How do Chinese parents determine the name of thier children?
They throw a metal pan down the stairs.{dink, dank, kooong}
Author: admin
Having a baby at 80
An 80-year-old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he’s feeling. “I’ve never been better!” he replies. “I’ve got an 18-year-old bride who’s pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?”
The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, “Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who’s an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he’s in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun.
“So he’s in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appears in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the bear, and squeezes the handle. The bear drops dead in front of him, suffering from a bullet wound in his its chest.”
“That’s impossible! Someone else must have shot that bear,” the man said.
“Exactly,” replies the Doc.
Alein
Whats more fun than taping a dead alien baby to a tree?
Ripping it off!
librarian conspericy
What Reading Can Do
From Dilbert.
Reading is knowledge
Knowledge is power
Power corrupts
corrupton is a crime
crime doesn’t pay
if you keep reading you’ll go broke.
“It always seemed so harmless”
That’s what librarians want you to think.
Happy Happy
A young Japanese girl had been taught all of her life that when she married she was to please her husband and never upset him.
So the first morning of her honeymoon when the young Japanese bride crawled out of the bed after making love and she stooped down to pick up her husband’s clothes and she let a big fart.
She looked up and said: “Scuse prease, front hole so happy back hole whistle!”
Putdowns by Wrestler Bill “The Bard” Shakespeare
1> “Hie thee away, scoundrel, lest this metallic vessel be oped; its whoop-ass forthwith unleash’d.”
2> “Shall I compare thee to a summer’s eve? For verily, thou art a douche-bag!”
3> “Unbridled envy wouldst thine ample codpiece inspire, save that it concealeth naught but a minnow.”
4> “Get thee to a nunnery! For next to nun, methinks, is thy prospect of victory.”
5> “Faugh! Thy putrid exhale couldst topple the carrion fowl from off his perch, atop a cart with human refuse laden.”
6> “Thou mewling swag-bellied scullion! Thou wretched folly-fallen cutpurse! Most grievously doth thy visage offend the eye, thou droning flap-mouthed pignut!”
7> “Behind yon mask of red and gold, what coxcomb struts and frets in dainty tights, unswell’d by manly cord?”
8> “Of fruitless issue is thy ill-spoken slander! For elastic is my composition, whilst thine is adhesive.”
9> “As thy wife for me last e’en did bend, So shall thy legs before thee at match’s end!”
10> “But, soft! What stench through yonder buttocks breaks?”
11> “What warrior doth tread distant battlefields unshod, his footwear relinquish’d to her whose loins begat thee?”
12> “Fat-kidneyed rascal, thine canker’d countenance shall kiss the cold earth anon!”
‘Microsoft’
It was only after their marriage, that Bill Gates’ wife found out why the
company was called ‘Microsoft’.
your mommas so stuipd she put a penny in a…
your mommas so stuipd she put a penny in a gum ball machine and watied for change
Dying Wife
Becky was on her deathbed with her husband Jake at her side. He
held her cold hand and tears silently streamed down his face.
Her pale lips moved. “Jake…” she said. “Hush,” he quickly
interrupted, “don’t talk.” But she insisted. “Jake,” she said in
her tired voice, “I have to talk. I must confess….” “There is
nothing to confess…” said the weeping Jake. “It’s alright.
Everything’s alright” “No, no. I must die in peace. I must
confess, Jake, that I have been unfaithful to you.” Jake stroked
her hand. “Now, Becky, don’t be concerned. I know all about it,”
he sobbed, “Why else would I poison you?”
A Case For The FBI
The phone rings at FBI headquarters. “Hello?” “Hello, is this FBI?” “Yes. What do you want?” “I’m calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood.” “This will be noted.”
Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no marijuana, swear at Tom and leave.
The phone rings at Tom’s house. “Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come?” “Yeah!” “Did they chop your firewood?” “Yeah they did.” “Okay, now it’s your turn to call. I need my garden plowed.”
The man that fell in the river
a man was walking allong a river back and he sliped and he fell in so this guy called george pulled him to the edge of the river and ten muinets later the medics got him the started giving him mouth to mouth and george was still watching half an hour past and water was still coming out of tis guys mouth an hour later water was still coming out of this guys mouth so george says “try taking his arse out of the water”
Butcher’s
One day, a man comes home from work and greets his wife. Upon seeing him, she asks for $20 to buy meat for dinner.
He leads her to a mirror, holds up the $20 bill and says to her, “Honey, the $20 in the mirror is yours. The other belongs to me.”
Satisfied with his “ingenious” remark, he sits back and the incident is forgotten.
The next day, he comes home and greets his wife.
When he goes in the dining room, the table is laden with meats and delicious foods.
Shaken, he asks his wife where she got the money.
She leads him to the same mirror and lifts up her skirt. “See that pussy in the mirror? That one belongs to you. The other belongs to the butcher.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing