How do you play Iraqi bingo?
B-52…F-16…B-2.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing
Author: admin
A BBS Commandment
22. Thou shalt not ask stupid questions that are already fully explained in the BBS instructions.
Hey! Hay!
A clergyman walking down a country lane and sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off. ‘You look hot, my son,’ said the cleric. ‘why don’t you rest a moment, and I’ll give you a hand.’ ‘No thanks,’ said the young man. ‘My father wouldn’t like it.’ ‘Don’t be silly,’ the minister said. ‘Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water.’ Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, ‘Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I’ll give him a piece of my mind!’ ‘Well,’ replied the young farmer, ‘he’s under the load of hay.’
No Parking
This particular Wizard worked in a modern factory. Everything was satisfactory except that certain miscreants took advantage of his good nature, and would steal his parking spot.
This continued until he put up the following effective sign:
This parking space belongs to the Wizard….
Violators will be toad!
Hmmmm: Why Oh Why Ask Why?
How Specs Live ForeverThe US Standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That’s an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that’s the way they built them in England, and the US railroads were built by English expatriates. Why did the English people build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that’s the gauge they used. Why did ‘they’ use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing. Okay! Why did the wagons use that odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing the wagons would break on some of the old, long distance roads, because that’s the pacing of the old wheel ruts. So who built these old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in Europe were built by Imperial Rome for the benefit of their legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts? The initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagons, were first made by Roman war chariots. Since the chariots were made for or by Imperial Rome they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Thus, we have the answer to the original questions. The United State standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the original specification for an Imperial Roman army war chariot. Specs and Bureaucracies live forever. So, the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse’s ass came up with it, you may be exactly right. Because the Imperial Roman chariots were made to be just wide enough to accommodate the back-ends of two war horses.
Drink For The Women
One day this big, nasty, sweaty woman wearing a raggedy sleeveless sundress
walks into a bar.
She raises her right arm, revealing a big hairy armpit as she points to all
the people sitting at the bar and asks, ‘What man Out there will buy a lady a
drink?’
The whole bar goes dead silent as the patrons try to ignore her.
At the end of the bar, a skinny little piss head slams his hand on the bar and
says, ‘Barman, I want to buy that ballerina a Drink.’
The barman pours the drink and the woman chugs it down.
After she’s completed the drink, she turns again to the throng and points
around at all of them, again revealing the hairy Armpit, saying,
‘What man out there will buy a lady a drink?’
Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and slurs to the
barman, ‘Sir, I would like to buy the ballerina another drink.’
After serving the lady her second drink, the barman approaches the little
drunkard and says, ‘It’s your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but
why do you keep calling her a ballerina?’
To which, the drunken replies, ‘Sir, in my eyes, any woman who can lift her
leg up that high has got to be a ballerina.
Crazy Man
A man thinks he’s crazy so he decides to go to a psychiatrist.
Before the man goes he wraps himself completely in saran wrap.
After an hour of talking to the psychiatrist the man asks,
“Doctor, what’s wrong with me?”
The doctor replies, “I’m not sure but I can clearly see your
nuts.”
Golf explained – part 1
1. Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the
occasional miracle.
2. “I wish I could play my normal game…just once.”
3. “Golf is harder than baseball. In golf, you have to play your foul balls.”
4. If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow, even during
a hurricane, here’s a valuable tip: your life is in trouble.
5. Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot rarely
make a perfect shot.
6. The term “mulligan” is really a contraction of the phrase “maul it again.”
7. A “gimme” can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers…neither
of whom can putt very well.
8. An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play;it is
always possible to get worse.
9. Golf’s a hard game to figure. One day you’ll go out and slice it and shank
it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and for
no reason at all you really stink.
10.I play in the low 80s. If it’s any hotter than that, I won’t play.
Glossary by Design
What the Engineer says (What it really means)
A number of different approaches are being tried.
(We are still grasping at straws.)
We’re working on a fresh approach to the problem.
(We just hired three kids fresh out of college.)
Close project coordination.
(We know who to blame.)
Major technological break through.
(It works OK, but looks very hi-tech.)
Customer satisfaction upon delivery is assured.
(We are so far behind schedule the customer is
happy to get it delivered.)
Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive.
(The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.)
Test results were extremely gratifying.
(We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.)
The entire concept will have to be abandoned.
(The only person who understood the thing quit.)
It is in process.
(It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.)
We’ll look into it.
(Forget it! We have enough problems for now.)
Please read and initial.
(Let’s spread the responsibility for the mistake.)
Give us the benefit of your thoughts.
(We’ll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn’t interfere with what we’ve already done.)
Give us your interpretation.
(I can’t wait to hear this!)
See me, or Let’s Discuss.
(Come into my office, I’m lonely.)
All new!
(Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.)
Rugged
(Too heavy to lift!)
Lightweight
(Lighter than rugged.)
Years of development
(One finally worked.)
Energy saving
(Achieved when the power switch is off.)
Low maintenance
(Impossible to fix if broken.)
Study in TIME
I was reading through a TIME magazine recently and saw a study on the amount of estrogen levels in beer.
They gave a whole bunch of beer to a whole bunch of guys and after these guys had consumed all this beer they found that all of them gained womanly quailities.
They all gained weight, couldn’t drive, and talked incessantly without making any sense!
Virus Warnings
BOBBIT VIRUS: Removes a vital part of your hard disk, then reattaches it. Unfortunately, the area is permanently disabled.
OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80 MB,and then slowly expands back to 200 MB.
AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you are paying too much for the AT&T Virus.
PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack — once if by LAN, twice if by C:>.
POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never calls itself a “virus,” but instead refers to itself as an “electronic microorganism.”
RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS: Won’t allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a consultant about possible alternatives.
ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole damn thing quits.
MARIO CUOMO VIRUS: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.
TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates your session and then disappears. It’ll be back.
DAN QUAYLE VIRUS: Prevents your system from spawning any child process without joining a binary network.
DAN QUAYLE VIRUS #2: Thers sumthin rong wit yur komputerw butt ewe jsut cant figyour it out!
GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.
FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time. (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error.)
TERRY RANDLE VIRUS: Prints “Oh no you don’t!” whenever you choose “Abort” from the “Abort, Retry, Fail” message.
TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it’s bigger than any other file.
ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
AIRLINE VIRUS: You’re in Dallas, but your data ends up in Singapore.
FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard.
PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes asking for more money.
ELVIS VIRUS: Makes your computer get fat and lazy, then self destructs; only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across America.
OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to suddenly become a paper shredder.
NIKE VIRUS: Just does it.
Bed
I got the bed , you bring the handcuffs