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There were three prostitutes living together, a mother, daughter and grandmother.
One night the daughter came home looking very down. “How did you do tonight?” asked her mother.
“Not too good,” replied the daughter. “I only got $20 for a blow job.”
“Wow!” said the mother, “In my day we gave a blow job for 50 cents!”
“Good God!” said the grandmother. “In my day we were just glad to get something warm in our stomachs!”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
ok once there was a kid in my 3rd grade class his name was donald! i said donald, do u have a crush on any body? he said huh? i said do u like our teacher? he said i dont like her as a teacher i love her as my girl friend!!!!! i said OH MY GOD! it was pathetic! omg ewwww! ewwww! ewwwww!
Q: What’s the difference between a condom and a coffin?
A: They both hold stiffs, but one’s coming and one’s going!
A man moves from Ireland to New York City, leaving two of his best friends
behind to make it in America. To keep there tradition of nightly drinks alive,
every night he goes into an Irish-style pub and orders three pints. The
bartender, after a month of this, becomes curious, and asks the man what he’s
doing. Touched by the story, the bartender has the 3 pints ready for the man
every time he comes in. One day, the man tells the bartender to only give him 2
pints.
“My condolences,” says the bartender, thinking that one of the man’s friends
has died.
“No, no�, says the man, “they’re both still alive. I’ve just quit drinking.”
Q: Why did Bill Clinton cross the road?
A: Because Hillary pulled him by his balls.
Yo momma so dumb she thought a quarterback was a refund
There was 4 people on a plane. the pope a kid and the smartest man in the world, the pilot says the planes gonna crash and there are only 3 parachutes the pilot says im not gonna die and takes a parachute and jumps out of the plane and the smartest guy in the world says im too smart to die and takes a parachute and jumps out of the plane. the pope says im saved you can take the last parachute and the kid says its OK the smartest guy in the world just took my BACKPACK
A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade
class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing
high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one
of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, “What’s
so funny, Pat?” “I just saw one of your garters!”
“Get out of my classroom,” she yells, “I don’t want to see you
for three days!”
The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had
forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top
of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from
another male student. She quickly turns and asks, “What’s so
funny, Billy?”
“I just saw both of your garters!”
Again, she yells, “Get out of my classroom! This time the
punishment is more severe, I don’t want to see you for three
weeks!”
Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns
around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there
is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly
turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.
“Where do you think you’re going?” she asks.
“From what I just saw, my school days are over!”
A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there
was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the
races. However at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that
he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might
as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in
third! The next day the local paper carried this headline: �PREACHER’S ASS
SHOWS�
The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race
again, and this time it won. The paper read: �PREACHER’S ASS OUT IN FRONT� the
Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not
to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read: �BISHOP SCRATCHES
PREACHER’S ASS�
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the
donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper
headline the next day read: �NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN� the Bishop fainted. He
informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to
a farmer for $10.00. Next day the headline read: �NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00�
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the
donkey, lead it to the plains where it could run wild and free. Next day, the
headline in the paper read: �NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE�. The Bishop
was buried the next day.
Medical bloopers on patients charts
1. “Bleeding began in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.”
2. “Patient came in today complaining of chronic vaginal affection.”
3. “Since she can’t conceive I’ve sent her to a futility expert.”
4. “Surgery will be performed under General Anastasia.”
5. “I saw your patient yesterday, who’s still under our car for physical therapy.”
6. “I’ve asked him to call and let me know who he’s feeling this week.”
7. “There was some concern about financial matters, but the patient was told she could apply for pubic assistance.”
8. “After her last child she had her tubs tied.”
9. “Infection resulted after she pimped a few popples.”
10. “Rectal exam reveals normal-size thyroid.”
11. “Social history reveals this 1 year old patient does not smoke or drink and is presently unemployed.”
12. “Patient called and left word that he had expired last week.”
13. “When she fainted her eyes rolled around the room.”
14. “While she was in the emergency room, she was examined, x-rated, and sent home.”
15. “Prior to surgery she was prepped and raped in the usual fashion.”
16. “He’s rather sedentary and drives a bust all day.”
17. “This chubby youngster needs a slim adult to look up to as a role model.”
18. “Both her old and new noses have been placed in our album.”
19. “I keep reassuring her that her memory will improve, but again today she forgot to pay her bill.”
20. “Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus-sized.”
21. “I told her that for the time being she’ll have to bare with me.”
22. “His prognosis was poor, having a massive cerebral hemorrhoid.”
23. “He’s a ten month old male who called on the day of admission to complain that his asthma was worse and he still has left otitis media.”
24. “Patient is to remain plastered for the next 6 to 8 weeks.”
25. “She got my instructions messed up and cut out all exercise and increased her sweets.”
26. “Following the exam of her breasts we discussed the impending nasal surgery.”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
The middle-aged spinster, well known for all her charity work and support for
good causes (because she was a somewhat tedious self-publicist), was complaining
to the Doctor of a persistent headache.
“What’s it like?” asked the Doctor.
“Like a tight band around my head,” replied the spinster.
Mindful that this type of headache is most often due to an unhealthy or
stressed lifestyle, the Doctor asked if she smoked a lot.
“Certainly not, Doctor. Never have smoked, never will,” was the emphatic
reply.
“Do you drink a lot of alcohol?”
“Doctor! I am strictly teetotal.”
“How often do you have sex?”
“That is an impertinent question; I am as chaste as the driven snow.”
“Perhaps you’re spending too much time going to church?”
“Impossible, Doctor. As I keep telling the Mothers Union, I go twice every
Sunday and every Festival Day because it is our clear duty to do so.”
“Are you working too hard at your charity activities?”
“Well,” simpered the spinster, “I always believe that you can never do too
much for your fellow man, even to the detriment of your own health.”
“Just as I thought,” said the Doctor, “It is clear that the headaches are due
to your halo being too tight.”