Q: How many “Changing lightbulbs”-joke writers does it take to change a lightbulb?A: Two hundred, and don’t ask why because they haven’t–figured that out yet.
Author: admin
What a boob
And God created woman and she had three breasts. He then asked the woman, ‘Is there anything you’d like to have changed?’She replied, ‘Yes, you could get rid of this middle breast?’ And so it was done, and it was good. Then the woman exclaimed as she was holding that third breast in her hand, ‘What can be done with this useless boob?’And God created man.
Degrees of the law
Q: What do you call a lawyer who doesn’t know the law?
A: A judge.
Snake lights and bushes
once there was a boy who wanted to take a shower wit his dad so he asks the dad and the dad said ok as long as u dont look down so the boy agree’s and they get in the shower and the boy looks down and says dady dady whats that the dad says that is his snake so the boy gets out and see’s his mom about to get in so he ask’s her if he could go in the shower wit her and she says ok as long as you dont look up or down so the boy says ok and him and his mom go in the shower and he looks up and says momy momy wat are those she says those are my head-lights so the boy says ok and looks down and says momy momy what is that she said that is her bush so the boy says ok. Later that night the boy see’s his mom and dad about to go in bed and the boy says can i come in to they said yes as long as you dont look under the covers so the boy says yes i wont but of corse he does and the boy says “MOMY MOMY TURN ON YOUR HEAD-LIGHTS DADY’S SNAKE IS GOING FOR YOUR BUSH!
“
How old is this drink?
An old guy walks into a bar and asks for a bottle of forty-year old Scotch.
The bartender, not wanting to give up the good liquor, pours a shot of ten-year
Scotch and figures that the guy won’t be able to tell the difference. The guy
downs the Scotch and says: “This Scotch is only ten years old! I specifically
asked for forty-year old Scotch.”
Amazed, the bartender reaches into a locked cabinet underneath the bar, pulls
out a bottle of twenty-year old Scotch, and pours the man a shot. The guy drinks
it down and says, “That was twenty-year old Scotch. I asked for forty-year old
Scotch.”
So the bartender goes into the back room, brings out a bottle of thirty-year
old Scotch, and pours the guy a drink. By now a small crowd has gathered around
the man and is watching anxiously as he downs the latest drink. Once again the
guy states the true age of the Scotch and repeats his original request for
forty-year old Scotch.
The bartender can hold off no longer and disappears into the cellar to get a
bottle of prime forty-year old Scotch. Soon, the bartender returns with the
bottle and pours a shot. The guy downs the Scotch and says; “Now this is
forty-year old Scotch!” The crowd applauds his discriminating palate.
An old drunk, who had been watching the proceedings with interest, raises a
full shot glass of his own and says, “Here, take a swig of this�.
The guy takes the glass and downs the drink in one swallow. Immediately, he
chokes and spits out the liquid on the barroom floor. “My God! That tastes like
piss,” he yells.
“Great guess,” says the drunk. “Now, how old am I?”
"True" Stories of Stupid People
It seems a man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America,
walked into the branch and wrote, “This iz a stikkup. Put all
your muny in this bag.” While standing in line, waiting to give
his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen
him write the note and might call the police before he reached
the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed
the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line,
he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and,
surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest
light in the harbour, told him that she could not accept his
stick up note because it was written on a Bank of America
deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells
Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking
somewhat defeated, the man said “OK” and left. The Wells Fargo
teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes
later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
45-year-old Amy Brasher was arrested in San Antonio, Texas after
a mechanic reported to police that 18 packages of marijuana were
packed in the engine compartment of the car which she had
brought to the mechanic for an oil change. According to police,
Brasher later said that she didn’t realize that the mechanic
would have to raise the hood to change the oil.
David Posman, 33, was arrested recently in Providence, R.I.,
after allegedly knocking out an armored car driver and stealing
the closest four bags of money. It turned out they contained
$800 in PENNIES, weighed 30 pounds each, and slowed him to a
stagger during his getaway so that police officers easily jumped
him from behind.
Drug possession defendant Christopher Jansen, on trial in March
in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a
warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn’t need a warrant
because a “bulge” in Christopher’s jacket could have been a gun.
Nonsense, said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same
jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could
see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket
and laughed so hard he required a five- minute recess to compose
himself.
Clever drug traffickers used a propane tanker truck entering El
Paso from Mexico. They rigged it so propane gas would be
released from all of its valves while the truck concealed 6,240
pounds of marijuana. They were clever, but not bright. They
misspelled the name of the gas company on the side of the truck.
Oklahoma City: Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery
of a convenience store in a district court this week when he
fired his lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said
Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the
store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton
jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, “I should
of blown your fucking head off.” The defendant paused, then
quickly added, ” – if I’d been the one that was there.” The jury
took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommended a 30 year
sentence.
R.C. Gaitlin, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were
showing their squad car computer equipment to children in a
Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the
officer’s asked him for a piece of identification. Gaitlin gave
them his driver’s license, they entered it into the computer,
and moments later they arrested Gaitlin because information on
the screen showed Gaitlin was wanted for a two-year-old armed
robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.
New York: As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man
grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and
the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the
snatcher. Within minutes, the police had apprehended the
snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store.
The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there
for a positive ID. To which he replied, “Yes Officer..that’s
her. That’s the lady I stole the purse from.”
1st Person: “Do you know anything about this fax-machine?” 2nd
Person: “A little. What’s wrong?” 1st Person: “Well, I sent a
fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a
cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same
thing happened.” 2nd Person: “How did you load the sheet?” 1st
Person: “It’s a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn’t want anyone
else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the
recipient would open it and read it.”
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.
“Do you need some help?” I asked. She replied, “I knew I should
have replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker. Now I
can’t get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant
convenience store) would have a battery for this?” “Hmmm, I
dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?” I asked. “No, just this
remote ‘thingy,'” she answered, handing it and the car keys to
me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied,
“Why don’t you drive over there and check about the
batteries…it’s a long walk.”
My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to
change his address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the
call asked where Vermont was. As he tried to explain, she
interrupted and said, “Look, I’m not stupid or anything, but
what state is it in?”
I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large motor home
was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire
need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an
extra in “Twister.” I asked the manager what had happened. He
told me that the driver had set the cruise control, then went in
back to make a sandwich.
Revocation of Independence
To the citizens of the United States of America:
In light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Rt. Hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up “aluminium” . Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.
Look up “vocabulary”. Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up “interspersed”.
2. There is no such thing as “US English”. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn’t that hard.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen, but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American football. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American football is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays American” football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. Merde is French for “shit”
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called Indecisive Day.
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us crazy.
Thank you for your cooperation.
Two Sea Monsters
Two sea monsters were swimming around in the ocean, looking for something to do.
They came up underneath a ship that was hauling potatoes.
Bob, the first sea monster, swam underneath the ship, tipped it over and ate everything on the ship.
A little while later, they came up to another ship, again hauling potatoes.
Bob again capsizes the ship and eats everything onboard.
The third ship they found was also hauling potatoes and Bob once again capsized it and ate everything.
Finally his buddy Bill asked him, “Why do you keep tipping over those ships full of potatoes and eating everything on board?”
Bob replied, “I wish I hadn’t, but I just can’t help myself once I start. Everyone knows you can’t eat just one potato ship.”
Submitted by Muffin_007
Edited by Curtis
25 THINGS YOU WILL LEARN IN 50 YEARS OF LIVING
1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of
helicopters in it.
2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason
why we observe “Daylight Saving Time.”
3. People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of
humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor.
4. The most valuable function performed by the federal government are
entertainment.
5. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely
suggests you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging
from her at that moment.
6. A penny saved is worthless.
7. They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be peace
in the Middle East. Billions of years from now, when Earth is hurtling toward
the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet except a few
microorganisms, the microorganisms living in the Middle East will be bitter
enemies.
8. The most powerful force in the universe is: gossip.
9. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender,
religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we
all believe that we are above-average drivers.
10. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a
big deal about your birthday. That time is: age 11.
11. There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”
12. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want
you to share yours with them.
13. There apparently exists, somewhere in Los Angeles, a computer that
generates concepts for television sitcoms. When TV executives need a new
concept, they turn on this computer; after sorting through millions of possible
plot premises, it spits out, “THREE QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN
AN APARTMENT,” and the executives turn this concept into a show. The next time
they need an idea, the computer spits out, “SIX QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG
PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT.” Then the next time, it spits out, “FOUR QUIRKY
BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT.” And so on. We need to
locate this computer and destroy it with hammers.
14. Nobody is normal.
15. At least once per year, some group of scientists will become very excited
and announce that:
– The universe is even bigger than they thought!
– There are even more subatomic particles than they thought!
– Whatever they announced last year about global warming is wrong.
16. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not
achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be:
“meetings.”
17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is
to annoy people who are not in them.
18. The value of advertising is that it tells you the exact opposite of what
the advertiser actually thinks. For example:
– If the advertisement says “This is not your father’s Oldsmobile,” the
advertiser is desperately concerned that this Oldsmobile, like all other
Oldsmobile�s, appeals primarily to your father.
– If Coke and Pepsi spend billions of dollars to convince you that there are
significant differences between these two products, both companies realize that
Pepsi and Coke are virtually identical.
– If an advertisement shows a group of cool, attractive youngsters getting
excited and high-fiving each other because the refrigerator contains Sunny
Delight, the advertiser knows that any real youngster who reacted in this way to
this beverage would be considered by his peers to be the world’s biggest dip.
– And so on those rare occasions when advertising dares to poke fun at the
product – as in the classic Volkswagen Beetle campaign – it’s because the
advertiser actually thinks the product is pretty good. If a politician ever ran
for president under a slogan such as “Harlan Frubert: Basically, He Wants
Attention,” I would quit my job to work for his campaign.
19. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its
glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use, as
His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
20. You should not confuse your career with your life.
21. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice
person.
22. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too
seriously.
23. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one
individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often,
that individual is crazy.
24. Your friends love you anyway.
25. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.
Work in the dark
A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a
patient’s room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a
piece of wood in half. Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.
The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied,
“Can’t you see I’m sawing this piece of wood in half?”
The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1
replied, “Oh. He’s my friend, but he’s a little crazy. He thinks he’s a light
bulb.” The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2’s face is going all red.
The doctor asks Patient #1, “If he’s your friend, you should get him down from
there before he hurts himself?”
Patient #1 replies, “What? And work in the dark?”
It saw the salad dressing!
Q. Why did the tomato turn red?
A. It saw the salad dressing!
�Es usted bien paraguayo?
�Es usted bien paraguayo?
Ud. es un paraguayo ‘Taky’ (purete) si:
� Cree que el paraguayo por lo general es tavy.
� Cree que la corrupci�n es algo folcl�rico.
� Tiene negocios turbios m�nimo con el se�or obispo.
� Tiene en su �mnibus la imagen de la virgen de Caacup� de un lado y del otro el p�ster desplegable de una modelo en poca o ninguna ropa.
� Cuando se r�e siempre termina con un “iiuuu” final.
� Su sueldo es obviamente mucho menos de lo que gasta mensualmente.
� Calcula un caj�n de cerveza por invitado.
� Calcula 1 kilo de carne por invitado si NO hay chorizos antes.
� Igual nom�s calcula 1 kilo de carne por invitado si hay chorizos antes.
� Cree que chupar es la actividad recreativa por excelencia.
� Dice que falto trago cuando pudieron salir caminando de la fiesta.
Tambi�n Ud. podr� acreditar ser un paraguayo ‘Taky’ si es que:
� Tiene la esperanza de que el fin del mundo va a solucionar los problemas del pa�s.
� Cree que los corruptos sobrevivir�n al fin del mundo.
� Con el tema del fin del mundo encontr� ya otra vez una raz�n para chupar hasta la muerte.
� Para prepararse para la cat�strofe del planeta no acopia alimentos sino grandes cantidades de cerveza.
� Cree que los pol�ticos pueden evitar el fin del mundo.
� Cree que el verdadero y terror�fico fin del mundo ser� cuando se acaben las bebidas.
� Cree que ning�n terremoto puede empeorar m�s de lo que ya est�n nuestras calles.
Finalmente, si quiere ser un paraguayo ‘Taky’ todav�a tiene la opci�n si es que:
� Cree que todo se festeja con asado y chupi.
� Cree que ‘celebraci�n espont�nea’ significa ‘chupi’ solo.
� Con tal de chupar celebra hasta el aniversario de su operaci�n de apendicitis.
� Tiene un ‘socio’ que le consiga acelerar algo en cualquier dependencia p�blica.
� No puede ver un partido de f�tbol por TV si no es acompa�ado de chupi, asado y toda la perrada.
� Vive en Asunci�n, pero tiene chapa de Ypehu y registro de conducir de Carapegua.
� Cree que la ca�a con ruda es remedio, y si no hay ruda, la ca�a igual cura la mitad.
� Cuando se habla de escuchar algo folcl�rico paraguayo llama por celular a los mariachis.
� Cree que ‘ambientar’ una fiesta es poner cuatro globos en la puerta y tener treinta cajones de cerveza enfriando.
� Cuando le rechazan un trago le pregunta a la otra persona: ‘�qu� le duele?’
� Cuando come cualquier cosa con pan y si es posible ‘en medio’ como s�ndwich (ejemplo: empanadas con pan).
� Nunca va solo al ba�o
� Deja la puerta abierta cuando est� en el ba�o ‘cambiando el agua al canario’.
�PIIIIIIIIPUUUUU, AS� SOMOS LOS PARAGUAYOS, CARAJO! �Y A MUCHA HONRA! �VERDAD?