You can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, but you can never fool a Mom.
Author: admin
Q: What are three
Q: What are three words you dread the most while making love?
A: “Honey, I’m home.”
That’s me
Attorney: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?
Witness: That’s me.
Attorney: Were you present when that picture was taken?
A Fairy Tale
Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess
happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess, “I
was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me.
One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can
marry, move into the castle with my mom and you can prepare my
meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy
doing so.”
That night, while the princess dined on frog legs, she kept laughing and saying, “I don’t think so.”
Kids truths :)
~ ~ Great Truths About Life That Little Children Have Learned
* No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptize cats.
* When your Mom is mad at your dad, don’t let her brush your
hair.
* If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch
the second person.
* Never ask your 3-year-old brother to hold a tomato.
* You can’t trust dogs to watch your food.
* Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.
* Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
* Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.
* Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time.
* School lunches stick to the wall.
* You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
* Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts, no matter
how cute the underwear is.
Magic Puddle
One day, a policeman walked by and saw a drunk man sitting
in a puddle.
“Hey, are you drunk?” asked the policeman.
“No! I’m just resting!” said the drunk man in a lazy voice.
” ow is that so? Well, if your not drunk, what time is it?”
The drunk man raised his arm, as if to point at something,
and raised the other arm to cross the first arm over and
said, ” It’s 12:43!”
“Amazing!” said the policeman. It was indeed 12:43! “How
did you do that?”
“Hee, hee, hee, magic!” he said in a drunk voice. This
happened for 2 more times and the drunk man got it right
every time. The policeman puzzled that for a moment and
left only to come back to ask the drunk man how he did it.
“Oh ok! Don’t push me!” he said. ” I’ll tell you how I did
it only if you sit with me in this puddle.”
” What? No, I’m not sitting in that puddle.” said the
policeman.
” Ok, then you will not learn my secret.”
” Well,ok, but only if you promise to tell me your trick.”
“Ya, ya I will.”
So the policeman stepped in the puddle, and sat down near
the drunk man. ” Ok, I’m in the puddle, now what?”
“Well, turn to face that way, and look at that very large
building,” He pointed, ” Do you see it?”
“Ya I see it, so what?” Said the policeman.
“Well, then I bet that you see that the building is BIG BEN
the clock tower.”
Hangovers
* One Star Hangover
No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep last night was a mere disco nap which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you are able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 10 sodas and still feel this way. Even vegetarians are craving a huge steak and a side of gravy fries.
** Two Star Hangover No pain.
Something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee/coca-cola you chug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a Bacon & Egg McMuffin combo (with orange juice!!!).Last night has wreaked havoc on your bowels and even though you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is surfing the internet and writing junk e-mails.
*** Three Star Hangover Slight headache.
Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely a space cadet and so not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer 86’d you at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a meatball sub watching the E! fashion awards. You’ve had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 V’s and a litre of diet coke – yet you haven’t peed once!
**** Four Star Hangover Life sucks.
Your head is throbbing and you can’t speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can’t hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (girls, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars) your teeth have sweaters, your eyes look like one big vein and your hairstyle makes you look like a reject from the class picture of Revere High ’76.
***** Five Star Hangover AKA Dante’s 4th Circle of Hell.
You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cubical Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pour and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners on your mouth from brushing your teeth. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you. You’d cry but that would take the last of the moisture left in your body. Death seems pretty good right now. Your boss doesn’t even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog/cat has just died because you look so pathetic.
You should have called in sick because, let’s face it, all you can manage to do is bitch about your state -which is a mystery to you because you definitely don’t remember who you were with, where you were, or what you drank. The only thing you can do is pass out. It’s when you wake up a few hours later with a lesser star hangover that you eat a large pizza,an order of KFC, a ham and cheese toastie and a batch of rice krispie treats.
Stiff Substitute
These two guys had just gotten divorced and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again. They got up there and went into a trader’s store and told him, “Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year.”
The trader got the gear together and on top of each one’s supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole. The guys said “What’s that board for?”
The trader said, “Well, where you’re going there are no women and you might need this.”
They said “No way! We’ve sworn off women for life!”
The trader said,” Well take the boards with you, and if you don’t use them I’ll refund your money next year.
“Okay,” they said and left.
Next year this guy came into the trader’s store and said “Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year.”
The trader said “Weren’t you in here last year with a partner?”
“Yeah” said the guy.
“Where is he?” asked the trader.
“I shot him” said the guy.
“Why?”
“I caught him in bed with my board.”
The Ocotpus!
A man walks into a bar and he has a pet octopus. He sits down at the bar and says to the bartender “give us two beers over here!”
The bartender walks over and see’s the octopus and he says, “Didn’t you see the sign over there it says no pets allowed!”
The man say’s to the bartender, “oh but you don’t understand this is a special octopus and he can play any musical instrument that you have.”
The bartender replied back, “well I’ll tell you what, if he can play any instrument you can both drink for free all night!”
The bartender walks up to the band playing and grabs a guitar. He puts it down on the bar.
The octopus crawls up on the bar and feels around the guitar for a little while, then finally he picks it up and starts jamming. He’s so good he sounded like Jimi Hendricks!
The bartender was amazed and says, “alright lets try one more”.
This time he goes into the back room and brings out a dusty old set of bagpipes and promptly put them on the bar and says “lets see him play this!”
The octopus starts crawling all over the bagpipes. He continues this for quite awhile.
The bartender shouted out ” See I knew he couldn’t play all these instruments!”
And the man replies, “Just give him a few more minutes…
as soon as he figures out he can’t have sex with it, he’ll play it!”
I hear that the Democrats are considering…
I hear that the Democrats are considering changing their emblem
from a donkey to a condom because a condom stands for inflation,
halts production, discourages cooperation, protects a bunch of dicks,
and gives one a sense of security while screwing others.
Una vez, un estadounidense, un
Una vez, un estadounidense, un espa�ol y un ind�gena viajaban en un peque�o avi�n. De pronto, el piloto les se�ala la necesidad de arrojar algo para descargar peso, pues la nave ten�a problemas. Para estar parejos, los tres individuos decidieron arrojarse.
El gringo se tira diciendo:
“�Por mi patria!”
El espa�ol se lanza gritando:
“�Por mi bandera!”
Entonces, cuando el indio se iba a tirar se le resbala el guarache y se cae del avi�n vociferando:
“�Por mi guarache!”
Blonde Girl’s Blonde Husband…
Blonde Girl’s Blonde Husband
A blond guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises
coming from
the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the
bed, sweating
and panting. “What’s going on here?’ he says. “I’m having a
heart attack,”
cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but
just as he’s
dialing, his 4-year old son comes up and says, “Daddy! Daddy!,
Uncle Ted’s
hiding in your wardrobe closet and he’s got no clothes on!”
The guy slams
the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his
screaming wife,
and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his
brother, totally
naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor. “You IDIOT!!!,” says the
husband, “my
wife’s having a heart attack and you’re running around naked
and scaring the
kids.”