Q: Which part of a vegetable can you not eat?
A: The Wheelchair!
Author: admin
Too good to be true
A Russian, an Italian and an Irishman got out of work and were deciding where to go for a drink. The Irishman said “Let’s all go to O’Learys. With every third round, the bartender will give each of us a free Guiness.”
The Italian said “That sounds good, but if we go to Baldini’s with every third round they bring a free bottle of wine to the table.”
The Russian said “That sounds fine but if we go to Gouvstof’s we drink for free all night and then go out into the parking lot and get laid.”
“That sounds to good to be true!” the Irishman exclaimed. “Have you actually been there?”
“No,” the Russian replied, “but my wife goes there all the time.”
South side blues
One sunny day “Chad” asked his girl “Jalysa”
When he could hit it she said o a bout thirteen years so “Chad” said “damn..hey baby are you a south sider”? “Jalisa said no baby why”? “Chad said o because youve been telling me thirteen year for thirteen years ever since ive known you and you must like my balls being blue.
Blonde and a brick
What is the difference between a blonde and a brick?
A brick does not follow you around 2 weeks after you lay it.
You Might Be a Redneck If…
You Might Be a Redneck If
You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree to relieve
yourselves.
You can’t take a nap without at least one hand tucked inside your pants.
You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
You’ve ever stolen toilet paper.
Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.
There’s an expired license plate hanging on your living room wall.
You’ve ever been pumping gas and another customer asks you to check his oil.
You think the Bud Bowl is real.
You think “six to ten pounds” on the side of the Pampers box means how much
the diaper will hold.
You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.
You have a black eye and a hickey at the same time.
Your kids have a three-day old Kool-Aid mustache
You offer to give somebody the shirt off your back and they don’t want it.
Your chili’s secret ingredient comes from the bait shop.
Turning on your lights involves pulling a string.
You have a refrigerator just for beer.
Your lawn furniture used to be your living room furniture.
You come back from the dump with more than you took.
The trunk of your car is tied down and you’re not hauling anything.
You refer to the fifth grade as “my senior year.”
You prefer to walk the excess length off your jeans rather than hem them.
Your mother does not remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the
state patrolman to kiss her ass.
You did not put the pink plastic flamingos in your front yard as a joke.
You have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window.
Your Fourth of July cookout has ever been ruined because someone got drunk
and burned the Spam.
Height of Laziness
What is the height of laziness?
Adoption.
Jesse’s Apology
Due to the great consternation caused by the revelation of my act of
procreation, I accept my obligation to give an explanation to the population for
my act of copulation.
I gave in to temptation, for the anticipation of sexual gratification, that I
could not obtain through masturbation, which resulted in my fornication. I
accepted her invitation, and provided her with excitation, stimulation,
penetration, replication, and liberation. She provided lubrication (to avoid
inflammation) and I wore condoms to avoid contamination. She cried for
duplication but I insisted upon termination, in spite of her fascination with
variation.
This has caused me great aggravation, and the agitation and provocation of the
media has resulted in my humiliation, denigration, and degradation. My wife is
considering castration, which would require my hospitalization.
Pray that this matter will find culmination in my sanctification and
rehabilitation so that my plans for nomination to my ultimate vocation will not
result in revocation and termination. I hope this proclamation has provided
illumination and verification and will prohibit further provocation.
Sincerely,
The Rev. Jesse Jackson.
Angry Woman
A woman strode angrily into the large drug-store-cum-general-store, slapped a package on the counter, and loudly expressed her dissatisfaction.
The clerk asked, “What’s the problem? Wouldn’t your cat eat them?”
The woman’s eyes got very large, and she whispered, “Do you mean to tell me that Pussy Treats are meant for ‘cats’?”
You know your old when
You know your old when your social security number is 000-00-0000.
Hit and run
What would be the difference between a dead rabbit on the side of the road and
Brittney Spears dead on the road?
There would be skid marks in front of the rabbit.
Two Italians and a Pollock go into a bar….
Two Italians and a Pollock go into a bar. The Pollock doesn’t have a
girlfriend and the Italians feel sorry for him. They explain to him
that if he studies their moves, he’ll be able to pick up women.
So the first Italian walks up to this blonde chick and goes,”Hey
baby, ya’ wanna’ leave here?”
She goes,”I’d love to-but we can’t go to my house. My parents will
kill me if they see me with you.”
He goes,”That’s okay. We’ll go to my house,” and they leave.
The second Italian says,”That’s nothing. Watch me in action and
learn!”
So he walks up to some blonde and says,”Hey baby, ya’ wanna’ leave
here?”
She replies,”I’d love to-but we can’t go to my house. My husband
will kill me if he sees me with you.”
He says,”That’s okay. We’ll go to my house,” and they leave.
Now the Pollock’s alone and he says to himself,”I think this looks
pretty easy. I think I’ll try it.”
So the Pollock walks up to this brunette and says,”Hey baby, how do
ya’ wanna’ leave here?”
She goes,”I’d love to-but I can’t. I’m on my menstrual cycle.”
He says, “That’s okay. We’ll go on my moped.”
Terminal Lawyer
A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, “You can’t take it with you.”After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money withhim when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave themdirectly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to Heaven.Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer’s wife, up in the attic cleaning came upon the two forgotten pillowcases stuffed with cash. “Oh, that old fool,” she exclaimed. “I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement.”