Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries.Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere!
Author: admin
God & A Lawyer
Q: What is the difference between God and A lawyer?
A: God doesn’t think of himself as a lawyer.
Bass joke
Q: Why did the bass player get mad at the timpanist?A: He turned a peg and wouldn’t tell the bass player which one.
Bad Drivers
There’s a senior citizen driving on the highway. His wife calls him on his cell phone and in a worried voice says, ”Herman, be careful! I just heard on the radio that there was a madman driving the wrong way on Route 280!” Herman says, ”I know, but there isn’t just one, there are hundreds!”
The Blonde at School
Day1:
A blonde comes home from school and says to her mum,”We learned how to count up to 5 today mummy. I got up to 10. Is it because I’m blonde, mummy?”
Mum replies: “yes dear”
Day 2:
“We learned how to do the alphabet today mummy. The others only got up to E and I got up to S. Is it because I’m blonde, mummy?”
Mum replies: “yes dear”
Day 3:
“We learned about breasts today mummy. All the other girls are flat chested and I’m a 36DD. Is it because I’m blonde, mummy?”
Mum replies: “No dear, it’s because your 25.
Jesus and Satan were having
Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his
computer. They had been going at it for days and God was tired of hearing
all of the bickering.
Finally God said, “Cool it, I am going to set up a test that will run two
hours and I will judge who does the better job. So, down sat Satan and
Jesus at their keyboards and they began to type away.
They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent
faxes.They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They
downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did
every known job. But ten minutes before their time was up, lightening
suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of
course, the electricity went off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the
underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on,
and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching
frantically, screaming “It’s gone! It’s all gone! I lost everything when
the power went out!”
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the
past two hours. Satan observed this and became irate. “Wait! He cheated,
How did he do it?”
God shrugged and said, “Jesus saves.”
Those Crazy Vermont Folk
Why do people in vermont were kilts?
Sheep can hear zippers from a mile away.
Where Did I come From?
One day our Little niece Rita went up to her mother and asked, “Mom, where did I come from?”
My sister in law stammered a bit, but finally got her composure. She thought it was time her daughter knew the facts of life. So, she told Little Rita how the expression of love resulted in the beginning of life, how life developed in the womb and finally how a child was born. As my sister in law gave the whole story, Rita’s eyes got wider and wider.
When She was finished, Little Rita said “Wow, that’s really neat. That sure beats what Uncle Rusty told me. He said that he came from Pennsylvania.”
Do you like pussycats?
Goldie was sitting on a beach, attempting to strike up a conversation with the attractive gentleman reading on the blanket beside hers.
“Hello, sir,” she said, “Do you like movies?”
“Yes, I do,” he responded, then returned to his book.
Goldie persisted. “Do you like gardening?”
The man again looked up from his book. “Yes, I do,” he said politely before returning to his reading.
Undaunted, Goldie asked, Do you like pussycats?”
With that the man dropped his book and pounced on Goldie, ravaging her as she’d never been ravaged before.
As the cloud of sand began to settle, Goldie dragged herself to a sitting position and panted, “How did you know that was what I wanted?”
The man thought for a moment and replied, “How did you know that my name was Katz?”
Fat
your mama is so fat when she farted everyoen around the world thought it was thunder
Honk Honk
An old man that was married to a rather beautiful young girl was
so old that he could not maintain an erection. The girl,
demanding sex, suggested that he go to his doctor and see what
he could do.
The old man went to his doctor and sure enough the doctor had a
solution. He had a very expensive shot that could make him have
an erection. All he had to do was say “honk” to have an erection
and “honk honk” to make it go down. But he could only use it
three times both ways.
When the old man got back to his limo he was rather curious.
Knowing that he wouldn’t have to use it that much longer because
he was getting old enough and closer to his final resting place,
he said “honk” and it went up. He then said “honk honk” and it
went down.
Rather anxious to show his young beautiful wife he got out of
the car and proceeded to his mansion. Then suddenly a car honked
it’s horn and it went up, another car honked twice and it went
down.
Worried because he only had one more time to use it he tried run
to his mansion. He finally got to his room where she was
waiting. He tore off his clothes then hers and said honk.
Curious, his wife asked, “What’s with all this honk honk crap?”
That’s impossible!
An 80-year-old man is having his annual check-up. The doctor asks him how he’s feeling.
“I’ve never been better!” he replies. “I’ve got an 18-year-old bride who’s pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?”
The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, “Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who’s an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he’s in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun.
“So, he’s in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appears in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the bear, and squeezes he handle. The bear drops dead in front of him.”
“That’s impossible! Someone else must have shot that bear.”
“Exactly.”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Tantilazing and yisman