What did the executioner say to his wife?
Only thirty chopping days to Christmas.
Author: admin
Death Wishes
Three friends die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the Gates of Heaven. Before entering, they are each asked a question by St. Peter himself”When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?” asks St. Peter.The first guy says, “I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor and a great family man.”The second guy says, “I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children.”The last guy replies. “I would like to hear them say…. LOOK!!! HE’S MOVING!!!!!”
Un joven, al estar con
Un joven, al estar con su novia en un parque, dentro de un auto, le ruega, lloriquea y pide por lo que m�s quiera que se deje montar, pero la chica no accede. Finalmente el joven le dice: “�Anda mujer! �S�lo te voy a meter la mitad!” “Bueno, pero s�lo la mitad… No lo olvides.”
El joven se lanza sobre ella desesperado e introduce todo lo que tiene. La chica, al sentir la embestida, goza tremendamente y le dice a su novio: “�M�temela toda!
El novio, algo avergonzado, tratando de salvar su orgullo le dice:
“�No! Promesas son promesas.”
Tech Support (Classic)
“Hello. Tech Support; may I help you?”
“Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.”
“What sort of trouble?”
“Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.”
“Went away?”
“They disappeared.”
“Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?”
“Nothing.”
“Nothing?”
“It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.”
“Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?”
“How do I tell?”
“What’s a sea-prompt?” [Uh-huh, thought so. Let’s try a different tack.] “Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?”
“There isn’t any cursor: I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.” [Ah–at least s/he knows what a cursor is. Sounds like a hardware problem. I wonder if s/he’s kicked out his/her monitor’s power plug?]
“Does your monitor have a power indicator?”
“What’s a monitor?”
“It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on?”
“I don’t know.”
“Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?”
[sound of rustling and jostling] [muffled] “Yes, I think so.”
“Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall.”
[pause] “Yes, it is.”
“No.”
“Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.”
[muffled] “Okay, here it is.”
“Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer.”
[still muffled] “I can’t reach.”
“Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?”
[clear again] “No.”
“Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?”
“Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle–it’s because it’s dark.”
“Dark?”
“Yes–the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.”
“Well, turn on the office light then.”
“I can’t.”
“No? Why not?”
“Because there’s a power outage.”
“A power–!?!” …[AAAAAAARGH!]”A power outage? Aha! Okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?”
“Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.”
“Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.”
“Really? Is it that bad?”
“Yes, I’m afraid it is.”
“Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?”
“Tell them you’re TOO STUPID TO OWN A COMPUTER!”
Fruit Salad
Three guys who were lost at sea ended up landing on an unfamiliar island. After wandering around for a while, a group of natives picked them up and took them to their hut. The chief came up to them and said, “We will let you live, if you can go out into the jungle and bring me 10 pieces of fruit.” So the men agree and take off. The first guy brings back 10 apples and places them before the chief. “Now, you must stick the apples up your ass and not show a bit of emotion, or else we will kill you.” The guy got one, and on the second, he flinched and was killed. The second guy walks up and shows the chief 10 berries. He is given the same task and makes it up to 8 and then begins to laugh histerically. He is also killed. When the second guy gets to heaven and meets up with the first, the first asks him “You almost had it! Why did you laugh??” The second replies, “I couldnt help it. I got the 8th up there and saw the other guy walking up with pineapples.”
Cowboy Boots
An elderly couple is vacationing in the West.
Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots.
Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them back to the hotel, walking proudly.
He walks into their hotel room and says to his wife, “Notice anything different, Helen?”
Helen looks him over, “Nope.”
Sam says excitedly, “Come on, Helen, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?”
Helen looks again, “Nope.”
Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for his boots.
Again, he asks, a little louder this time, “Notice anything
DIFFERENT?”
Helen looks up and says, “Sam, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.”
Furious, Sam yells, “AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, HELEN? IT’S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!”
To which Helen replies, “Shoulda bought a hat, Sam, shoulda bought a hat.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tanatilazing
None
Attorney: So you were gone until you returned?
Attorney: She had three children, right?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: How many were boys?
Witness: None.
Attorney: Were there any girls?
Computer scientists do it asynchronously….
Computer scientists do it asynchronously.
Irish Queers
Q. What do you call two Irish Queers?
A. Michael “Fits” Patrick and Patrick “Fits” Michael.
Little Willie
A young man goes to a doctor for a physical examination. When he
gets into the room, the man strips for his exam. He has a dick
the size of a little kid’s little finger.
A nurse standing in the room sees his “Little Willie” and begins
to laugh hysterically.
The young man gives her a stern look and says, “You shouldn’t
laugh, it’s been swollen like that for two weeks now!”
Dave Barry’s version of the ’96 Olympics
Article by Dave Barry on Olympic Coverage
TRUMPETS: BOM! BOM! BOM-BOM BOM BOM BOM!
BOB COSTAS: Good evening, and as you can tell by the sound of the Olympic
Theme Song that we play almost as much as we show Kerri Strug’s historic
vault, it’s time for our broadcast of The Recently Videotaped Olympic
Games Featuring Americans. We’re going to start by taking you right to the
track-and-field stadium, where the men’s 100-meter dash is about to get
under way, despite the fact that it actually happened 4 hrs ago.
TRACK COMMENTATOR:Bob, this promises to be an exciting race, featuring
Americans.
COSTAS:And what are the obstacles that these Americans have overcome to
create a Human Interest Factor for our broadcast?
TRACK COMMENTATOR: Bob, from left to right, they have overcome psoriasis,
vertigo and a bad allergy to vinaigrette dressing.
COSTAS: We’ll come back to the men’s 100-meter final, but right now we’re
going to replay the video of Kerri Strug, an American,overcoming her ankle
injury to make her courageous vault. (Kerri Strug vaults.)
COSTAS: What a human moment! Time for a commercial.
ANNOUNCER: We’re IBM. We’re a giant corporation with vast computer
expertise That’s why we’re in charge of keeping track of all the
statistics for these, the Olympic Games of 1953. Thank you.
BOM! BOM! BOM-BOM BOM BOM BOM!
COSTAS: Now we’re going to take you to women’s beach volleyball, where the
sun is shining brightly despite the fact that it is now 10:37 p.m. on the
East Coast.
BEACH VOLLEYBALL COMMENTATOR: Thanks, Bob. This is Holly McPeak, an
American, and as you can see in this digitized, computer-enhanced,
ultra-slow-motion Beach Cam closeup shot, she has overcome cellulite.
COSTAS: I’ll say. When is she going to serve?
BEACH VOLLEYBALL COMMENTATOR: She’ll be serving in about 4 seconds, Bob.
COSTAS: I’m sorry, but we don’t have that kind of time, because we need to
show this Heartwarming Moment. (Kerri Strug vaults.)
COSTAS: Now let’s go out to the cycling competition, where I believe we
have a race involving an American.
CYCLING COMMENTATOR: That is correct, Bob. We have an American shown here
pedaling furiously in 637th place, with a solid chance to move up to 636th.
COSTAS: What obstacle has this American overcome?
CYCLING COMMENTATOR: Bob, he is overcoming one hellacious case of
hemorrhoids.
COSTAS: We’ll have more on that exciting cycling race, but right now we’re
going to return to the Olympic track stadium for an update on the men’s
100-meter dash.
TRACK COMMENTATOR: Bob, the race started about two seconds ago and should
be over in about eight more seconds. None of the Americans has fallen down.
COSTAS: We’re going to break away from the men’s 100-meter dash at this
point, but we will be covering it throughout the course of the evening.
Right now, however, we want you to see this moment, captured by our NBC
cameras. (Kerri Strug vaults.)
COSTAS: Now let’s head out to the pool to check on the progress of the
American swimmers, all of whom have overcome asthma.
SWIMMING COMMENTATOR: Bob, here we see an American swimmer winning a race.
This happened earlier.
COSTAS: How much earlier?
SWIMMING COMMENTATOR: Twenty-four years, Bob. This is Mark Spitz.
COSTAS: Time for this commercial.
ANNOUNCER: We’re the Nike Corporation. We pay famous athletes millions of
dollars to wear our shoes. Because of this, you, the public, pay absurdly
high prices for these shoes. Is that stupid, or what? Thank you.
BOM! BOM! BOM-BOM BOM BOM BOM! (Kerri Strug vaults.)
COSTAS: OK, right now there are exciting gold-medal competitions going on
in archery, shooting, rowing, kayaking, table tennis, softball,
volleyball, team handball and judo, so right now we’re going to take you
to beach volleyball.
BEACH VOLLEYBALL COMMENTATOR: Bob, as you can see, American Holly McPeak
is bending over.
COSTAS: I’ll say.
BOM! BOM! BOM-BOM BOM BOM BOM! (Kerri Strug vaults.)
New Rooster
An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years. And the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn’t hurt anything. So he buys a young cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard.
Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he gets a little worried. ‘So, they’re trying to replace me, thinks the old rooster. I’ve got to do something about this.’ He walks up to the new bird and says, “So you’re the new stud in town? I bet you really think you’re hot stuff, don’t you? Well, I’m not ready for the chopping block yet. I’ll bet I’m still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We’ll run around it ten times and whoever finish’s first gets to have all the hens for himself.”
Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. “You’re on,” said the young rooster. “And since I know I’m so great, I’ll even give you a head start of half a lap. I’ll still win easy,” said the young rooster.
So the two roosters go over to the hen house to start the race with all the hens gathering around to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the roosters on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy’s lead has slipped a little but he’s still hanging in there. Unfortunately the old rooster’s lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he’s just barely in front of the young rooster.
By now the farmer has heard all the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun, and runs out to the barnyard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the hen house, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away.
As he walks away slowly, he says to himself . . . “Damn, that’s the third gay rooster I’ve bought this month.”