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Knee Pains

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A woman goes to the doctor complaining of bad knee pains. After the
diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor questions her, “There must be something you’re doing that you haven’t told me. Can you think of anything that might be doing this to your knees?”

“Well,” she said a little sheepishly, “my husband and I have sex doggy-style on the floor every night.”

“That’s got to be it,” said the doctor. “There are plenty of other positions and ways to have sex, you know.”

“Not if you’re going to watch T.V. there ain’t,” she replied.

Have you ever wondered why?

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-Men who have never been west of Kentucky can tell you about the mentality of the Japanese?

-Men who can’t pay their credit card bills have a plan for dealing with the national debt?

-Men who aren’t on speaking terms with their families know how to achieve peace in the Middle East?

-Men who flunked high school physics can explain what went wrong at NASA?

-Men who haven’t had a date in six months know what women really want?

Been Out Of College Too Long When…

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You know you’ve been out of college too long when…

– Your potted plants stay alive.

– Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.

– You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

– 6:00 a.m. is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.

– You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.

– You carry an umbrella.

– You watch the Weather Channel.

– Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook-up and break-up.

– You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.

– Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as “dressed up.”

– You’re the one calling the police because those damn kids next
door don’t know how to turn down the stereo.

– Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

– You don’t know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

– Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

– You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds.

– Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.

– You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.

– Dinner and a movie – The whole date instead of the beginning
of one.

– MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.

– You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not
condoms and pregnancy test kits.

– A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer “pretty good stuff.”

– You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.

– Grocery lists are longer than macaroni and cheese, Diet Pepsi
and Ho-ho’s.

– “I just can’t drink the way I used to,” replaces, “I’m never
going to drink that much again.”

– Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for
real work.

– You don’t get liquored up at home, to save money, before going
to a bar.

– It takes you all night to do what you used to do all night.

Ladies Toilet

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A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately.When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard, which is full and bushy.’Are you the manager?’ she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.’Actually, no,’ he replies.’Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,’ she says, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair. ‘I’m afraid I can’t,’ breathes the barman, clearly aroused. ‘Is there anything I can do?’ �Yes there is. I need you to give him a message,’ she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them. ‘Tell him,’ she says, ‘that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies’ toilet.’

A real Quaker

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There was a clerk in a small town general store in the South. One day, a tall man entered the store and began filling a shopping cart with items.This man was so distinctive in that he could have been the official spokesperson for Quaker Oats. He was dressed in black, very tall and had that hat just like the Quaker Oats guy wears.Well, the clerk had never seen a Quaker before, let alone talked to one. When the man reached the counter with his selections the clerk could hardly contain himself. “Are you a Quaker”? he asked as he was trying to ring up the merchandise.”Yes,” the tall man said with a little edge in his voice.”No joke?” asked the clerk, “You’re really a real Quaker?”The man, looking a little more perturbed, said, “Yes, I am a real Quaker.””Wow!” the young clerk said, “I never seen a real Quaker before. Would you say something in Quaker talk for me?” asked the clerk.The tall man ignored this request and waited for his merchandise to be tallied up.As clerk finished ringing up the sale he said, “Please mister, say something in Quaker talk?”The man finally leaned over the counter in a gesture of secrecy. The clerk leaned forward in order to hear the quiet reply.The man said, “Screw Thee.”

COMMITMENT

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The Marine 3-star general in charge of the joint office called his entire staff in for an indoctrination meeting. When they were all inside, the general had his aide close the door and said, “If you’re going to work in this office, you need to have COMMITMENT, each and every one of you. Nothing is more important.”He then said to his aide, “Let him go.” The aide opened up the door to a side office, and in ran a 7-foot long alligator, snarling and snapping.The general looked straight at his new people and said “You’re each going to have to demonstrate COMMITMENT.”He then undid his belt and dropped his trousers around his knees. Immediately the alligator ran up and sunk his teeth right into the general’s family jewels and held on tight. The general winced, but instantly composed himself and shouted, “This is COMMITMENT!”He waited several seconds more, then took two of his fingers and jabbed the alligator in both eyes. The gator flipped over on his back, jumped up, and ran into the corner of the office, glaring angrily at the general.”That, my friends, is COMMITMENT. Which one of you is ready to demonstrate his COMMITMENT?”There was much shuffling of feet and murmuring. Finally an AF fighter pilot stepped forward and said, “I will sir, if you promise not to poke me in the eyes.”

St. Peter

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A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. But, to his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly.

Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.

The lawyer said, “I don’t mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?”

St. Peter replied, “Well, I’ve added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!”

Gun Barrel

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A man joins the crew of a ship. After a few days he gets restless and asks “What does one do about sex around here?”

The others direct him to a large gun barrel with a hole in it. At first he does not like the idea much but, when he tries it, he finds it surprisingly enjoyable. He has another go the next day, and again the day after.

Then he asks, “Can I do this every day?”.
“Yes, every day, except Wednesdays”.
“Why not on Wednesdays?”
“Wednesdays is YOUR turn inside the barrel!”

51 Days

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a group of blonds came to a bar and chanted “51 days! 51 days!” They ordered a bottle of champagne and sat at a big table. Soon more blonds came in and they chanted “51 days! 51 days!” The bartender asked: “Why are you chanting?” and they said, “Well, the ten of us got together to put together this puzzle. The box says 2-4 years, but we managed to do it in 51 days!”