Author: admin

Top 10: the Redneck and the Computer

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Ten ways to tell if a redneck has been working on a computer

10. Your monitor is found up on blocks.
9. Outgoing faxes have tabacco stains on them.
8. The six front keys have rotted out.
7. The extra RAM slots have dodge truck parts stored in them.
6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
5. The password is “Bubba”.
4. There’s a gun rack mounted on the CPU.
3. There is a spit cup in the CD-ROM.
2. The keyboard is camouflaged.

AND, the number 1 way to tell if a redneck has been working on a
computer is …

1. The mouse is referred to as “Critter”.

Student’s Real Day

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8:45 Wake up to find you did indeed pull the pig last night that all your friends told you not to

9:00 tell her to go home

9:01 zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

9:50 Oh shit you missed your first lecture again!

10:00 Grab last nights pizza on you way to the next lecture

10:15 In lecture. Well done you made it. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

12:00 Bar is open

3:01 flirt with the nice gril sitting near you

3:10 Drink lots and lots of beer.

6:05 you don’t want to miss out on beer by having dinner

10:30 Pull the girl you have been flirting with.

10:31 Your friends tell you not to take her home and sleep with her

10:45 You shag her

Camel Trouble

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A man in Egypt needs to cross the Sahara Desert. He goes to a
camel owner and asks to buy one of his camels. The owner says,
“Here’s one fine camel, very fast and 3 drinks across desert,
$200.” The man says, “No, that’s out of my budget. do you have
any others?”

The owner goes through a few other camels, the man refusing each
one of them, until they come across one. The owner says, “Very
old and slow camel, no drink across desert, $20, but sometimes
he will need a little jerking off.” The man buys the camel.

They are half way across the desert when the camel stops. The
man asks the camel, “Are you hungry?” The camel shakes its head.
“Thirsty?” The camel shakes it head. “Tired?” The camel shakes
its head. “All right then,” and the man jacks off the camel.
This happens a few times, until they are almost across the
desert, and the camel stops.

“Are you hungry?” the man asks again. The camel shakes its head.
“Thirsty?” The camel shakes its head. “Tired?” The camel shakes
its head. “All right then,” and the man jacks off the camel, but
nothing happens. “What do you want?!” The man asks annoyed. The
camel opened its mouth.

Flat chested no longer!

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A flat-chested woman was delighted when her fairy-god mother said her breasts would increase in size each time a man says, “Pardon” to her.She walked down the sidewalk, accidentally bumped into a man and he said, “Pardon me.” Her breasts instantly grew an inch and she was ecstatic. The next day, she bumped into a man in the grocery store, he begged her pardon and another inch was added to her breasts. She was in seventh heaven!She walked into a Chinese restaurant, collided with a waiter who bowed and said, “A tousund pardons fo my crumsy behavre.”The next day, the headline in the local newspaper says, “Chinese Waiter Crushed to Death!”

Formal Inquiry

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The husband finally wised up to the fact that his wife was less than faithful. He hired a private investigator to follow her and in less than a week, had all the information that he needed on the’ other man’.

The husband convinced himself that his would still be a loving and trustworthy marriage had not this S.O.B. come onto the scene. Being a man of the 90’s and all, he decided to handle the matter in what he judged to be sophisticated and business-like manner.

He sent the following e-mail to his wife’s lover:

Sir, It has been brought to my attention that for some time now you have been carrying on an affair with my wife. So that we may settle this matter in an intelligent fashion, please be at my office at 3 PM on Friday next.

The ‘other man’ was highly amused by the husband’s formal manner and sent the following reply:

Dear Sir, I have received a copy of the your mass mailing this morning. You may be advised that I will attend the scheduled conference in your office’s auditorium.

“Doctor, doctor, que tengo un

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“Doctor, doctor, que tengo un problema, no se si soy homosexual, y quer�a saber si me puede hacer usted un test.”

“Bueno, vamos a ver…”

El m�dico le agarra un test�culo y le dice:

“Diga noventa y nueve.”

“Noventa y nueve.”

El medico le agarra el pene.

“Diga noventa y nueve.”

“Noventa y nueve.”

El m�dico le mete el dedo por atr�s.

“Diga noventa y nueve.”

“Uno… dos… tres…”

Seattle Humor

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A curious fellow died one day and found himself in limbo waiting in a long, long line for judgment. As he stood there, he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the gates of heaven. Others were led over to Satan, who threw them into a lake of fire. Every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss him or her to one side. After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow’s curiosity got the better of him. He strolled over and tapped Satan on the shoulder. ‘Excuse me, there, Your Darkness,’ he said. ‘I’m waiting in line for judgment, and I couldn’t help wondering why you are tossing some people aside instead of flinging them into the fires of hell with the others?’ ‘Ah,’ Satan said with a grin. ‘Those are Seattle-ites. I’m letting them dry out so they’ll burn.’

Translating Menspeak

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When He Says – He Really Means
———— – —————-
Do you have the time? – to go to bed

Hello – Let’s cut the talk and go have sex.

How are you? – in bed, I mean.

I’d like a discreet relationship. – I want sex, but I’m married.

I’ll be out of town for a few days. – I’ll be spending time with with the wife.

I’m a novelist. – I have 10 unpublished books.

I’m coming off a long relationship. – My wife is divorcing me.

I’m consulting. – I’m looking for a job.

I’m divorced. – I just slipped off my wedding ring.

I’m in television. – I fix them.

I’m involved in banking. – I’m a bank guard.

I’m self-employed. – I just got fired.

I’m sorry I flirted with your sister. – I’m sorry I got caught.

I’m thinking of relocating. – I can’t find a job locally in this town.

I can’t leave my wife just yet..soon. – Be patient forever.

I enjoy reading. – Playboy and Penthouse.

I have the Midas touch. – I install mufflers.

I like a woman who is intelligent. – As long as she acts like I’m smarter.

I love opera. – I want sex, but I’ve seen an opera once.

I play the market. – Safeway

I work high up in an executive office. – I’m a window washer.

I work with computers. – I’m a cashier at a gas station.

Looking for a satisfying relationship. – I want sex.

My business is really hot right now! – I hand out towels in a steam room.

My job keeps me running. – I’m a messenger.

My wife and I are separated. – She’s at home and I’m here at the bar.