Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn’t. The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, “Hurry up! It’s starting to rain and the top is down.”
Author: admin
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Yo momma is so ugly
your momma is so ugly, when she looks in the mirror her reflection ducks!
Good News From Doc
Carla, a 41 year old biologist, comes home from the doctor and runs into her bedroom. She rips her clothes off and starts jumping up and down of her bed.
Her husband Nathan walks into the room and watches Carla for a minute.
‘You look ridiculous,’ Nathan says. ‘What’s gotten into you?’
‘I just had my yearly check-up,’ Carla says. ‘The doctor said I have the breasts of an 18 year old!’
‘Yeah right, and what did he say about your 41 year old ass?’ Nathan asks.
‘Funny,’ she says. ‘Your name never came up.’
A certain guy had never had sex in his life,…
A certain guy had never had sex in his life, so his friend told him
that he’d take him to a girl that would teach him a few things. He
agrees.
Later that week, he’s in a room with the girl. She takes off her
clothes, and asks him, “Do you know what I want?” He says, quite honestly,
“No.”. She lies down on the bed, and asks him the same question again.
Again, he answers “No.”
Now, she’s not sure exactly what to do, so she spreads her legs all the
way;
we’re talking spread-eagle. She asks, “Now do you know what I want?”
He answers, “Yeah. You want the whole fuckin’ bed to yourself.”
Ass
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Adam and Eve
Why did god create Adam before he created eve? Because he didn’t want anyone telling him how to make Adam.
But I’m not a Giants Fan…
Two boys are playing football in Central Park when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dogs collar and twists, breaking the dogs neck.
A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.
“Young Giants Fan Saves Friend From Viciou Animal,” he starts writing in his notebook.
“But I’m not a Giants fan,” the little hero replied.
“Sorry, since we are in New York, I just assumed you were.” said the reporter and starts again.
“Little Jets Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack” he continued writing in his notebook.
“I’m not a Jets fan either,” the boy said.
“I assumed everyone in New York was either for the Giants or Jets.
“What team do you root for?” the reporter asked.
“I’m a Cowboys fan.” the child said.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes,
“Little Redneck Bastard Kills Beloved Family Pet!”
Interrogation.
Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal
colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. They
placed the message “HE’S LYING” in the copier, and pressed the copy button each
time they thought the suspect wasn’t telling the truth. Believing the “lie
detector” was working, the suspect confessed to the police.
You’re a redneck … you have spray painted
You’re a redneck if…. You have spray painted your girlfriend’s name on an
overpass.
Blonde & Brunette
A blonde and a brunette were watching the 11:00 pm news. The current
news story was about a man up on a ledge and threatening to jump, when the station cuts to a commercial.
Brunette: I bet you $20 he’s going to jump.
Blonde: OK.
(Back to newscast : He jumped!)
Blonde: OK. I lost. Here’s my $20 to you.
Brunette: No, that was too easy. I can’t take it.
Blonde: I insist. I lost.
Brunette: I have a confession to make. I saw the same thing on the
6:00pm news and I knew he jumped. So it wasn’t really a good bet.
Blonde: I know. I saw the same newscast at 6 too. But I didn’t think he would be stupid enough to jump TWICE!.
Dresses in winter
Why don’t women wear dresses in the winter?
They don’t want to get chapped lips.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci