Author: admin

�rase una vez en la

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�rase una vez en la selva, que los animales ten�an un serio problema de personalidad: ninguno de ellos sab�a quienes eran, a excepci�n de la jirafa que era sic�loga.

El primero en consultarla fue el pollito: “se�ora jirafa, tengo un gran problema: no s� quien soy”.

La jirafa le contesta: “mira, t� tienes plumas que son amarillas, haces p�o p�o: eres un pollito”.

“�Claro!, es cierto, �soy un pollito! Gracias”.

Se va el pollito y en el camino se encuentra con el le�n, que estaba muy triste.

“�Qu� le pasa se�or?”, le pregunta el pollito.

“Es que no s� qui�n soy”, responde el le�n.

“Ah, eso no es problema”, contesta el pollito, “usted tiene melena y ruge: usted es un le�n”.

“�S�, s�, soy un le�n! Muchas gracias”.

Un momento despu�s pasa un zorrillo, muy preocupado tambi�n. Por lo que el le�n le pregunta que era lo que le suced�a.

“Es que no s� qui�n soy”, le dice el zorrillo.

“Pero si es muy f�cil saberlo”, declara el le�n, “tienes pelo, el pelo es negro, tienes una raya en el medio y hueles a diablos: �eres un co�o!”

Harry’s Problem

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Harry had a bit of a drinking problem. Every night, after dinner, he took off for the local watering hole. He spent the whole evening there, and arrived home, well inebriated, around midnight each night. He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole, and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out, and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry continued his nightly routine.

One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband’s behavior, and was particularly distraught by it all. The friend listened to her, and then said, “Why don’t you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don’t you give him some loving words, and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways.”

The wife thought it was worth trying. That night, Harry took off again, after dinner. And, about midnight, he arrived home, in his usual condition. His wife heard him at the door, quickly went to it, opened the door, and let Harry in. This time, instead of berating him, as she had always done, she took his arm, and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him, and started to cuddle him a little.

After a while, she said to him, “It’s pretty late. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don’t you?”

At that, Harry replied, in his inebriated state, “I guess we might as well. I’ll get in trouble when I get home anyway!”

MURPHY’S LAWS FOR PARENTS

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1. The tennis shoes you must replace today will go on sale next week.
2. Leak proof thermoses will.
3. The chances of a piece of bread falling with the grape jelly side down are
directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
4. The garbage truck will be two doors past your house when the argument over
whose day it is to take out the trash ends.
5. The shirt your child must wear today will be the only one that needs to be
washed or mended.
6. Gym clothes left at school in lockers mildew at a faster rate than other
clothing.
7. The item your child lost, and must have for school within the next
ten seconds, will be found in the last place you look.
8. Sick children recover miraculously when the pediatrician enters the
treatment room.
9. Refrigerated items, used daily, will gravitate toward the back of the
refrigerator.
10. Your chances of being seen by someone you know dramatically
increase if you drive your child to school in your robe and curlers.

Black man, sex & chocolate biky’s

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This chick goes to a bar and picks up this guy and they get talkin and they end up going back to her place. about an hour later her husband walks in and see’s this guys underwear on the floor. he says “next time i see another guyz pants on the floor im gunna pull out everyone of ur pubic hairs”! the next night she goes to the bar again and says hi to this black dude. she said you wanna come back to my place? and he says only for a chocolate biky. so she gave him the biky and headed home. they got upstairs and she said you wanna get naked? and he said only for a chocolate biky. then she gave him the biky and got naked. then she said to him you wanna root me hard? and he said only for a chocolate biky. so she gave him the biky and they got right into it. about an hour later her husband was coming up the stairs. then she said quick get in the closet and he said only for a choclate biky. so she gave him the biky and he got in. the husband then saw the pants on the floor and said, alright get on the bed and give me the tweezers. then he started pulling them out. he was down to the last black curly son of a bitch and he yelled, “COME OUT YOU BLCK BASTARD” and the black dude in the closet goes only for a chocolate biky!

Transylvania vacation

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Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe, as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late, and raining very hard. Bob could barely see 20 feet in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree. Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to carry her to the nearest phone. Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from an old, large house. He approaches the door and knocks. A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, “Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We’ve been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone??” “I’m sorry,” replied the hunchback, “but we don’t have a phone. My master is a Doctor; come in and I will get him!” Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. “I’m afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory.” With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table. After a brief examination, Igor’s master looks worried. “Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion.” Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more. The Hills’ deaths upset Igor’s master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting, melody fills the house. Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty’s hand twitch. Stunned, he watches as Bob’s arm begins to rise! He is further amazed as Betty sits straight up! Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master: “Master, Master! … The Hills are alive with the sound of music!

Actual Signs (stupid though)

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Here are some real signs found across America.

At a Florida maternity ward:
No Children Allowed

At a Santa Fe gas station:
We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.

At a radiator-repair garage:
Best place to take a leak.

At a Maine shop:
Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices
and workmanship.

In a Pennsylvania cemetery:
Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their
own graves.

At many military bases:
Restricted to unauthorized personnel.

At a long-established New Mexico dry cleaner:
38 years on the same spot.

In the offices of a loan company:
Ask about our plans for owning your home.

On a New York convalescent home:
For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church.

In the window of a Kentucky appliance store:
Don’t kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work.

In a funeral parlor:
Ask about our layaway plan.

In a Maine restaurant:
Open 7 days a week and weekends.

In the vestry of a New England church:
Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual
light is extinguished.

At a Los Angeles dance hall:
Good clean dancing every night but Sunday.

On a shopping mall marquee:
Archery tournament—ears peirced.

In a clothing store:
Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.

On a roller-coaster:
Watch your head.

On a Tennesee highway:
When this sign is under water, this road is impassible.

Horoscopes by Adam Sandler

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Aquarius (Jan 23 – Feb 22) – You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.

Pisces (Feb 23 – Mar 22) – You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient, and full of advice. You do nothing but piss-off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.

Aries (Mar 23 – April 22) – You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dipshit.

Taurus (April 23 – May 22) – You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamned communist.

Gemini (May 23 – June 22) – You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.

Cancer (June 23 – July 22) – You are sympathetic and understanding of other people’s problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won’t be worth a shit. Everyone in prison is a Cancer.

Leo (July 23 – Aug 22) – You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving motherfuckers and enjoy masturbation more than sex.

Virgo (Aug 23 – Sept 22) – You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your shit-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while fucking. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.

Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 22) – You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with reality. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease.

Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 22) – You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are the perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered.

Sagittarius (Nov 23 – Dec 22) – You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on your luck since you have no talent. You are a worthless piece of shit.

Capricorn (Dec 23 – Jan 22) – You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance.