Calculus and automobiles don’t mix — never drink and derive
Author: admin
You are so poor…
You are so poor, I saw you kicking a Big Mac Box and I asked what are you doing?, You said I am Moving.
Seeing-Eye Dog
A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing-eye dog one day. They come to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick of traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket, which he offers to the dog. A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can’t control his amazement and says to the blind man, “Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!”The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies,”To find out where his head is, so I can kick his ass.”
Women Rock
What do women and rocks have in common?
You skip the flat ones
People who live in grass
People who live in grass houses shouldn’t be stoned.
Entra un tipo muy bragado
Entra un tipo muy bragado a una cantina, se acerca a la barra y le dice al cantinero:
“Escuche bien lo que le voy a decir: s�rvame siete copas de tequila, ni una m�s, porque tengo un grave defecto: cuando tomo m�s de siete copas empiezo a repartir las nalgas”.
El cantinero, al escuchar eso, piensa que se va a divertir a lo grande.
Despu�s de una hora, el individuo se termina la s�ptima copa, y el cantinero le insiste: “t�mese la otra, yo la invito”.
El fulano se niega una y otra vez argumentando su defecto. Pero ante tanta insistencia, acepta la copa y, en cuanto se la toma, le empieza a cambiar el rostro y al momento, saca una enorme pistola, apuntando a todos los que estaban en la cantina ordenando:
“T� le das las nalgas a �l, t� a este otro…”
A GREAT STORY
there was once 10 girls,a brunette and 9 blondes,who had to be rescued by a rope hanging from a helicopter.they all got on but it was too heavy that one girl had to jump off.all the blondes asked the brunette to jump off and she said before i jump i have a little speech to say.after she was done the blondes thought that it was so good that they just had to clap.
Shared Decision Making
My wife and I have an agreement that works… She is responsible for the small decisions, and I am responsible for the big ones.
This means that she decides things like where to take our next vacation, the color of our next car, and the construction budget for adding on the new family room.
I decide whether or not the President should extend most favored nation trading status to China, how high the Federal Reserve should go with short term interest rates, and the timetable for the elimination of CFCs from automobile air conditioners.
Talking muffin
Their were two muffins in an oven.One muffin says, Boy its getting hot in here. The other muffin says AAAAAAGH A TALKING MUFFIN!!!
Truck Driver Snow
The truck driver stopped to picked up the girl hitchhiker in short shorts.
“Say, what’s your name, mister?” she inquired, after she climbed up in the truck.
“It’s Snow, Roy Snow,” he answered, “and what’s yours?”
“I’m June, June Hansen,” she said. “Hey, why do you keep sizing me up with those sidelong glances?” she challenged the trucker some miles down the road.
“Can you imagine what it might be like,” he countered with a question of his own, “having eight inches of Snow in June?”
Because I’m a guy, I must hold the television…
Because I’m a guy, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while
I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I’ll miss a whole show looking
for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.
Because I’m a guy, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire
clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until
long after hypothermia has set in. Oh, and when the car isn’t running very
well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I’m
looking at. If another guy shows up, one of us will say to the other, “I used
to be able to fix these things, but now with
all these computers and everything, I wouldn’t know where to start.” We will
then drink beer.
Because I’m a guy, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and
take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do,
so for you this isn’t an issue.
Because I’m a guy, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the
store, like milk, or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like
“Cumin” or “Tofu.” For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under
any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which “feminine hygiene
product” is a euphemism.
Because I’m a guy, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on
taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much
once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
Because I’m a guy, I don’t think we’re all that lost, and no, I don’t think
we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger-
how the heck could HE know where we’re going?
Because I’m a guy, there is no need to ask me what I’m thinking about. The
answer is always either sex or football, though I have to make up something
else when you ask, so don’t.
Because I’m a guy, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother
come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than
I have to. Whatever you got her for mother’s day is ok, I don’t need to see
it. Did you remember to pick up something for my mom, too?
Because I’m a guy, I am capable of announcing, “one more beer and I really
have to go,” and mean it every single time I say it, even when it gets to the
point that the one bar closes and my buddies and I have to go hunt down
another. I will find it increasingly hilarious to have my pals call you to
tell you I’ll be home soon, and no, I don’t understand why you threw all my
clothes into the front yard. What’s the
connection?
Because I’m a guy, you don’t have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances
are, if you’re crying at the end of it, I didn’t.
Because I’m a guy, I think what you’re wearing is fine. I thought what you
were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine.
With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine.
Can we just go now?
Because I’m a guy and this is, after all, the 90’s, I will share equally in
the housework. You do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, and the dishes.
I’ll do the rest.
Because I’m A Guy
Because I’m a guy, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I’ll miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.
Because I’m a guy, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in. Oh, and when the car isn’t running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I’m looking at. If another guy shows up, one of us will say to the other, “I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn’t know where to start.” We will then drink beer.
Because I’m a guy, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn’t an issue.
Because I’m a guy, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk, or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like “Cumin” or “Tofu.” For all I know these are the same thing. And never, underany circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which “feminine hygiene product” is a euphemism.
Because I’m a guy, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
Because I’m a guy, I don’t think we’re all that lost, and no, I don’t think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger — how the heck could HE know where we’re going?
Because I’m a guy, there is no need to ask me what I’m thinking about. The answer is always either women or football, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so don’t.
Because I’m a guy, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for mother’s day is ok, I don’t need to see it. Did you remember to pick up something for my mom, too?
Because I’m a guy, I am capable of announcing, “one more beer and I really have to go,” and mean it every single time I say it, even when it gets to the point that the one bar closes and my buddies and I have to go hunt down another. I will find it increasingly hilariousto have my pals call you to tell you I’ll be home soon, and no, I don’t understand why you threw all my clothes into the front yard. What’s the connection?
Because I’m a guy, you don’t have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you’re crying at the end of it, I didn’t.
Because I’m a guy, yes, I have to turn up the radio when Bruce Springsteen or The Doors comes on, and then, yes, I have to tell you every single time about how Bruce had his picture on the cover of Time and Newsweek the same day, or how Jim Morrison is buried in Paris and everyone visits his grave. Please do not behave as if you do not find this fascinating.
Because I’m a guy, I think what you’re wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
Because I’m a guy and this is, after all, the 90’s, I will share equally in the housework. You do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, and the dishes. I’ll do the rest.