God!

One late evening while the family was at church, a man was breaking into
their home, he went into the bedroom stealing everything he could get his
hands on. As soon as he entered the living room he heard a voice “God is
going to get you!” “God is going to get you!” He pulled out his flashlight
and shined it on this big bird. Well the man did not pay any mind to the
bird and kept on loading up his bag.

He was loading that bag from left to right. Again he heard that voice “God
is going to get you!” “God is going to get you!” He walked over to the
cage and told the bird to shut up! As soon as he put his hand on the door
knob of the backdoor he heard a different noise. It was not the bird but a
growing sort of noise, He shined the flashlight up and saw this GREAT BIG
DOG! And the bird yelled “GET HIM GOD!”

Top 16 Passover Pickup Lines…

Top 16 Passover Pickup Lines
16. Let’s play ‘bury the shank bone’.
15. Gefilte fish jelly makes great lubrication.
14. I hear that horseradish is an aphrodisiac.
13. Have you ever done it on a seder plate?
12. Maybe when Elijah comes, we can make it a threesome.
11. Let’s make this night really different from all others nights.
10. Want to wander through my desert?
9. Nice Hagadah!!!
8. What’s a girl like you doing at a seder like this?
7. Rabeinu, Moshe Rabeinu. OO7!
6. Would you like to play with my matzah balls?
5. Can I part your Red Sea?
4. There’s no law against leavened _______!!!
3. I’ve got a Ramses in my pockets that wants to put you back into slavery!
2. May I climb your Mt. Sinai’s?
AND THE NUMBER ONE PASSOVER PICKUP LINE….
1. Wanna look for MY afeikomen?

Blonde visits shrink

A blonde is speaking to his psychiatrist.

Blonde, “I’m on the road a lot, and my
clients are complaining that they can
never reach me.”

Psychiatrist, “Don’t you have a phone in
your car?”

Blonde, “That was a little too expensive,
so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox
in my car.”

Psychiatrist, “Uh … How’s that working?”

Blonde, “Actually, I haven’t gotten any
letters yet.”

Psychiatrist, “And why do you think that is?”

Blonde, “I figured it’s because when I’m
driving around, my zip code keeps changing.”

Llega un hombre a un

Llega un hombre a un hotel de la ciudad y alquila una habitaci�n, al llegar a la misma lo �nico que hay para matar el aburrimiento es una Biblia, al abrirla le cambia la expresi�n del rostro y decide llamar a la telefonista del hotel y la que empieza a enamorar hasta que la muchacha sube a su habitaci�n y se acuesta con el hombre.

Despu�s que terminan le dice la telefonista.:

“�Qui�n lo iba a decir, yo acost�ndome con un hu�sped?”

El hombre le responde:

“La Biblia lo dice.”

“�S�? �en qu� vers�culo lo dice?”

El le responde:

“En la contraportada. Dice clarito: ‘La telefonista es una puta�”

Dirty Old Cartoons

In my life, when I read comics, I thought the “zzzz” in those little balloons indicated someone was sleeping! Boy, did I miss the boat, and it took me all these years to figure it out! All that wasted time!

With the help of Bill Gates (the man who avoided changing the light bulb by redefining darkness as the standard), I have, indeed, seen the light. Now,I finally know what all those “sleeping” people in those comics had on their minds!

If you want to see what I’m babbling about, start up Microsoft Word, type in “zzzz” (without the quotes, of course) and hit the spell check. Now you too can be enlightened!

REMEMBER it has to be 4 letters of z. Try using the thesaurus too..

If Woman Ruled the World…

– Men would sit around and wonder what WE are thinking.

– Women with cold hands would give men prostate exams.

– PMS would be a legitimate defense in court.

– Men would get reputations for sleeping around.

– Singles bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding
wedding rings in their pockets.

– A man would no longer be considered a “good catch” simply
because he is breathing.

– Fewer women would be dieting because their ideal weight
standard would increase by 40 pounds.

– Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity.

– “Ms.” Magazine would have an annual swimsuit issue featuring
scantily clad male models.

– Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two
hours of bedtime.

– Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as
hard for none of the credit.

– Little girls would read “Snow White and the Seven Hunks.”

– Men would bring drinks, chips and dip to women watching soap
operas.

– Men would HAVE to get Playboy for the articles, because there
would be no pictures.

– Men would learn phrases like: “I’m sorry,” ” I love you,”
“You’re beautiful,” “Of course you don’t look fat in that
outfit.”

– Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their
accomplishments.

– Men would pay as much attention to their woman as to their car.

– All toilet seats would be nailed down.

– Men would work on relationships as much as they work on their
careers.

– TV news segments on sports would never run longer than 1
minute.

– All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator.

– During mid-life crisis, men would get hot-flashes and women
would date 19-year-olds.

– Overweight men would have their weight brought to their
attention constantly.

– After a baby is born, men would take a six-week paternity
leave to wait on their wives hand and foot.

– For basic training, soldiers would have to take care of a
two-year old for six weeks.

Things learned from children…

Some things I’ve learned from my children:

Super glue “is” forever.

No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can’t walk on water. Pool filters “do not like Jell-O!”

A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.

Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of 20 by 20 foot room.

You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way. And the glass in windows (even double pane) doesn’t stop a
baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.

VCR’s do not eject peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, even though TV commercials show they do.

Always look in the oven before you turn it on. It’s been proven that plastic toys do not like ovens.
Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy. It will however make cats dizzy. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

Golf fool

A man was stranded on a desert island for 10 years. One day a beautiful girl
swims to shore in a wetsuit….
Man: “Hi! Am I ever happy to see you.”
Girl: “Hi! It seems like you’ve been here a long time. How long has it been
since you’ve had a cigarette?”

Man: “It’s been ten years!” With this information the girl unzips a slot on
the arm of her wet suit and gives the man cigarette.

Man: “Oh thank you so much!”

Girl: “So tell me how long its been since you had a drink?”

Man: “It’s been ten years” The girl unzips a little longer zipper on her wet
suit and comes out with a flask of whiskey and gives the man a drink.

Man: “Oh… thank you so much. You are like a miracle!”

Girl: [Starting to unzip the front of her wet suit.] “So tell me then, how
long has it been since you played around?”

Man: “Oh, my God, don’t tell me you’ve got a set of golf clubs in there too?!”

Don’t Work Because…

10. They can’t garnish what you don’t make.

9. Your life no longer compares to those annoying Dilbert cartoons.

8. Chance to meet exotic male dancers in unemployment line (and do the Full Monte)

7. Sleep all night . . . Sleep all day!

6. Much like a Carnival cruise, every day is a holiday!

5. If you push its buttons the wrong way, the remote won’t cry sexual harassment.

4. Underwear and a pair of Birkenstocks becomes your “Professional Attire”.

3. Re-runs of Chips only shown during regular working hours.

2. It really pisses off the in-laws.

1. The only glass ceiling she’ll be complaining about is the mirror over your bed!