Three Envelopes

A bright young executive had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech firm. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and handed him three numbered envelopes.

“Open these if you run up against a problem you don’t think you can handle,” he said.

Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a nosedive and he was really catching a lot of heat from the board. At wit’s end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and tookout the first envelope. The message read, “Blame your predecessor.”

The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the board, the press, and Wall Street responded positively, sales picked up, stockprices rose and the problem was soon behind him.

About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip insales, combined with serious problems getting new product to market. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO wasted no time inopening the second envelope. The message read, “Reorganize.” This he did, and again the company quickly rebounded. After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The simple message said, “Prepare three envelopes…”

Scotch

A man walks into a bar and orders a 12-year-old scotch. The bartender, believing that the customer will not be able to tell the difference, pours him a shot of the cheap 3-year-old house scotch that has been poured into an empty bottle of the good stuff.The man takes a sip and spits the scotch out on the bar and reams the bartender. ‘This is the cheapest 3-year-old scotch you can buy. I’m not paying for it. Now, give me a good 12-year-old scotch.’The bartender, now feeling a bit of a challenge, pours him a scotch of much better quality, 6-year-old scotch.The man takes a sip and spits it out on the bar. ‘This is only 6-year- old scotch. I won’t pay for this, and I insist on a good, 12-year-old scotch.The bartender finally relents and serves the man his best quality, 12-year-old scotch.The man sips the drink and says, ‘Now that’s more like it.’An old drunk from the end of the bar, who has witnessed the entire episode, walks down to the finicky scotch drinker and sets a glass down in front of him and asks, ‘what do you think of this?’The scotch expert takes a sip, and in disgust, violently spits out the liquid yelling ‘WHY, THIS TASTES LIKE PISS,’ to which the old drunk replies, ‘That right, now guess how old I am.’

Convertable

Two blondes had just bought a brand new convertable. They decided to take a cruise. They went to the bar. They decided to leave after being there for about an hour. They notice they left to car keys in the car. They tried for about 2 hours trying to get the keys. A lady was standing outside of the bar and told the two women they better hurry up because a really bad storm was coming and they left the top DOWN on the car!!

A limited arousal

A man is having problems with his penis, which certainly had seen better times. He consults a doctor who, after a couple of tests, says, ”Sorry, but you’ve overdone it the last 30 years. Your penis is burned out. You only have 30 erections left in your penis.”The man walks home, deeply depressed. His wife is waiting for him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said concerning his problem. He tells her what the doctor told him. She says, ”Oh no, only 30 times! We shouldn’t waste that. We should make a list!” He replies, ”Yes, I already made a list on the way home. Sorry, your name isn’t on it.”

Software development cycle

1. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.2. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found. 3. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren’t really bugs.4. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn’t work and discovers 15 new bugs.5. Repeat three times steps 3 and 4.6. Due to marketing pressure and an extremely premature product announcement based on overly-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.7. Users find 137 new bugs.8. Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.9. Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.10. Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits.11. Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.12. New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires a programmer to redo program from scratch.13. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.