Q: How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a light bulb?A: 7. Scotty will report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in the Engineering Section is burnt out, to which Kirk will send Bones to pronounce the bulb dead. Scotty, after checking around, notices that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains that he can’t see in the dark to tend to his engines. Kirk must make an emergency stop at the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb from the natives. Kirk, Spock, Bones, Sulu, and 3 red shirt security officers beam down. The 3 security officers are promptly killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured. Meanwhile, back in orbit, Scotty notices a Klingon ship approaching and must warp out of orbit to escape detection. Bones cures the native king who is suffering from the flu, and as a reward the landing party is set free and given all of the light bulbs they can carry. Scotty cripples the Klingon ship and warps back to the planet just in time to beam up Kirk et. al. The new bulb is inserted, and the Enterprise continues with its five year mission.
Author: admin
Un turista se encuentra paseando
Un turista se encuentra paseando por Londonderry, Irlanda del Norte, en una de las temporadas con m�s terrorismo en esa zona. Total, que va paseando tranquilamente de noche cuando, repentinamente, nota que alguien le agarra por detr�s y le aprieta con algo fr�o y met�lico en la nuca y le pregunta:
“�Eres protestante o cat�lico?”
Asustado, el pobre turista trata de pensar r�pidamente en una respuesta aceptando que si fuese un nativo de la zona tal podr�a adivinar la respuesta correcta por el acento de su agresor, pero su dominio del idioma no llega tan lejos. Desesperado, piensa que tambi�n podr�a ayudarle saber c�mo va vestido, pero lo �nico que puede ver de su atacante es la manga alrededor de su cuello. Tambi�n, si conociese mejor la ciudad, sabiendo en que barrio est�, podr�a tener alguna pista. As� que sin tener ni idea de que religi�n debe decir, el viajero opta por eludir la cuesti�n y responde:
“�No, soy jud�o!”
“�Alabado sea Al�, soy el �rabe m�s afortunado del Ulster!”
Eel in his pants
One day, little jonny asked his mom what sex was.
“Tonight, go into your sister’s room, hide behind the curtain, and watch what she and her boyfriend do.
The following morning, jonny’s mom asked what happened.
Little jonny explained “well at first, they were just kinda talking and laughing, but after a while they started kissing and hugging, sister got a fever, cuz she said she was feeling hot.
So sister’s boyfriend put his hand under her shirt to find her heart, just like the doctor would.
Except he’s not so smart because both of them got sick and they started panting and getting all out of breath.
His other hand must have been cold because he put it under her skirt.
About this time sis got worse and began to moan and sigh, and squirm around and slide to the end of her bed. then i finally found out what was making them sick – a big eel had gotten inside her boyfriend’s pants somehow.
It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long! anyways he grapped it in one hand to keep it from getting away.
When sis saw it, she got really scared – her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling to God and stuff like that.
She said it was the biggest one she had ever seen, I should tell her about the ones by the lake, anyway sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off.
All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and tried to keep it from biting again.
Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it, and the boyfriend helped by lying on top of the eel.
The eel put on a heck of a fight. Sis started moaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squishing it between them.
After a while, they both stopped moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough they had killed the eel!
I knew because it just hung there and also because some of its insides were dripping out.
Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to the bed anyway!
He started hugging and kissing her again! by golly, the eel wasn’t dead!It jumped straight up and started to fight again.
I guess eels are like cats-they have nine lives or something like that. this time, sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it.
After a 35 minute struggle they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead because I saw sis boyfriend peel it’s skin off and flush it down the toilet!”
Little jonny’s mom fainted
Pearly Gates
A man dies and goes to heaven.
As he’s standing in line, the pearly gates slam open and a man charges out.
He’s dressed in a scrub suit and a white lab-coat, with a stethoscope around
his neck. He knocks over most of the people standing in line in his rush to move
through the crowd. The man asked St. Peter, “Who was that?”
St. Peter answered “That’s just God. Sometimes he likes to play doctor.”
68 because at 69 you have to turn around.
Q. What’s the speed limit of sex?
A. 68 because at 69 you have to turn around.
Lawyer vs goose
Q: What can a goose do, that a duck can’t do and a lawyer should do?
A: Stick his bill up his ass.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Una vez cuando un padre
Una vez cuando un padre estaba comenzando la misa empez� un terremoto y la gente en la iglesia comenzaron a gritar y el padre les dice:
“Hijos m�os, recen un Padre nuestro.”
Y empezaron: “Padre nuestro…”
Pero luego la intensidad del terremoto fue mayor y el padre dice:
“Hijos m�os, recen un Ave Mar�a.”
Y empezaron: “Dios te salve…”
Pero por desgracia el terremoto fue a�n mayor y comenzaron a caerse las tablas del techo. Y el padre grita:
“�Hijos m�os, las tablas!”
Y la gente comenz�:
“1X1=1, 1X2=2…”
“Very Offensive” Space Shuttle Jokes.
Q: What were Christa McAuliffe’s last words to her husband?
A: “You feed the kids – I’ll feed the fish.”
Q: What does NASA stand for?
A1: Need Another Seven Astronauts
A2: Need Another Shuttle Also
Q: Did you know why there was only one black crew member on Challenger?
A: They didn’t know it was going to blow up.
Q: Did you know that NASA has a new space drink?
A: Ocean Spray – It was their second choice because they couldn’t get 7-UP.
Q: On future shuttle missions, why will one of the astronauts have to be a naval officer?
A: So when they decide to use it as an experimental submarine, they’ll have a rated officer onboard.
Q: How many people will fit in a Florida Volkswagen?
A: Four in the seats and seven in the ashtray.
Javier y Pablo eran dos
Javier y Pablo eran dos hermanos ricos y malvados que asist�an a la misma iglesia. Cuando Pablo muri�, Javier le entreg� al pastor un cuantioso cheque para que mandara construir un nuevo templo a todo lujo.
“S�lo le pongo una condici�n: que en el oficio f�nebre diga que mi hermano era un santo”, le aclar� en tono desp�tico.
El pastor accedi� y deposit� el cheque en el banco. En la ceremonia f�nebre, subi� al p�lpito y declar�:
“Pablo era un hombre malvado que enga�aba a su mujer y traicionaba a sus amigos pero, comparado con Javier, era un santo.
Odds For Meeting A Female
The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and receptive young female increases by exponential progression when he is already in the company of:
(1) a date
(2) his wife
(3) a better looking and richer male friend.
The Top 15 Porn Goddess Pet Peeves
15. Recent flood of scripts with scenes involving cigars.
14. Your SAG card isn’t as impressive as it could be because it bears the name “BUSTY CHIXX.”
13. Video sales dropped 20% after Starr Report posted on the Web.
12. Wow! I can’t believe that a gorgeous adult video queen is *actually* reading one of my submissions!! I’m sorry — what was the question?
11. Inconsiderate jerk co-stars who grab the refried bean lunch special at the studio commissary.
10. Auto mechanic always over-stressing the words pump, hose, fill and lube when he works on your car.
9. Can’t enjoy a simple hot dog without thinking about work.
8. Friggin’ plumber always seems to break more than he fixes, conveniently guaranteeing himself weekly visits to the house.
7. Chauffeurs who keep asking if you want your top down.
6. Mail keeps getting misdelivered ever since you named yourself after a continent.
5. Directors who think that putting a girl on her knees on a rock-hard pool table under burning hot set lights for 5 hours straight with the ugliest partner known to man
4. Those embarrassing “Bring Your Daughter To Work Day” moments.
3. Trying to remove that piece of glued-on, strategically placed black paper after the magazine photo shoot.
2. All that pesky dialogue — was my line “yes, yes, oh baby!”, or “oh baby, yes, yes!”?
1. IRS auditors who keep demanding tangible evidence for “proof of employment.”
[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ] [ The Top 5 List [email protected] http://www.topfive.com ]Monster Valentine
Boy Monster: Did you get the big red heart I sent you for Valentine’s?
Girl Monster: Yes, I did. Thank you.
Boy Monster: Is it still beating?