Two guys are in mental institution.
One guy says, �Hey, I know how we can break out of here!�
The second guy says, �Oh yeah, how?�
The first guy says, �I’ve been thinking about really hard ever since I saw
that big search light that goes around every night from the airport. Here is
what we do. First, we steal a flashlight.�
The second guy says, �Hey, we don’t have to do that, I’ve got one here that my
kids sent me!�
The first guy says, �Great, then meet me out in the courtyard, near the wall
tonight, after everyone goes to bed.�
So they meet out by the wall after dark. The guy with the light asks the first
guy. �Just how will this plan work?�
The first guy says, �It’s like this, you shine the light up on to the top of
the wall. I’ll climb up the beam of light to the top. You throw up the light and
I’ll shine the beam down for you to climb up. Okay?�
The second guy ponders the plan a second and then says, �Hey, just a minute. I
know what you would do. I’d get you up on top of the wall and throw you up the
light. Then, as I was half way up you’d turn off the light! Do you think I’m
crazy or something?�
Author: admin
The Top 15 Rejected State of the Union Speech Opening Lines
15. “I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. But first, a few words from my husband…”
14. “Okay, I shagged her. I shagged her rotten, baby!”
13. “Immediately after my speech, you are all cordially invited to come up here and kiss my pasty white ass.”
12. “Members of Congress, I feel you’re a pain.”
11. “Are you impeachin’ me? Are you impeachin’ me? You gotta be impeachin’ me cuz I’m the only President standin’ here.”
10. “I don’t think anyone can deny that this past year has made a vas deferens in the face of politics..”
9. “Any of y’all got that Gwyneth Paltrow gal’s phone number?”
8. “This meeting of The Duplicitous Serial Adulterers Group will now come to order. Ha, ha! Just kidding, people.”
7. “Look at it, people! Take a good look! You got a tool like this, you use it — know what I’m sayin’?”
6. “Acquit me, or the stock market gets it.”
5. “I have not had sexual relations with anyone in this chamber. But seriously, folks…”
4. “(Psssst! Al! Fourth row, third from the left — you can see right up her skirt!)”
3. “First, I’d like to introduce my new Attorney General, Alec Baldwin.”
2. “Whoa! I’ve been sleepwalking the last three years! I hope I didn’t do anything embarrassing!”
1. “I’m not under oath, am I?”
[ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ] [ The Top 5 List [email protected] ]Asian Blonde
once upun a time……
A nice little blonde asian girl, becaome FAT!
EMILY CHO
Trash can
what did the trash can say to the other trash can? can i take you out
Q: How many drummers
Q: How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb ?A: None. They have a machine that does that now.
A Day Off
Employee: Boss can I have the day off tommorow?
Boss: So you want a day off. Let’s take a look at what you are
asking for. There are 365 days per year available for work.
There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off
per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend
16 hours each day away fron work, you have used up 170 days,
leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on
coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68
days available. With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up
another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You
normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you
only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays
per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We
generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1
day available for work and I’ll be damned if you are going to
take that day off!
The water’s fine
Two bananas are lying on a river bank when a turd comes floating by.
The turd looks over and says, “Hey! Come on in! The water’s fine!”
One banana turns to the other banana and says, “Do you believe that shit?”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Knock KnockWho’s there?Cozy!Cozy who?Cozy who’s
Knock KnockWho’s there?Cozy!Cozy who?Cozy who’s knocking!
US Air Force Humor!
“Squawks” are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some squawks submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.
(P)=PROBLEM (S)=SOLUTION
(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire
(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough
(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft
(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid
(S) #2 Propeller seepage normal – #1 #3 and #4 propellers
lack normal seepage
(P) Something loose in cockpit
(S) Something tightened in cockpit
(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
(S) Evidence removed
(P) DME volume unbelievably loud
(S) Volume set to more believable level
(P) Dead bugs on windshield
(S) Live bugs on order
(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent
(S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground
(P) IFF inoperative
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode
(IFF-Identification Friend or Foe)
(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick
(S) That’s what they’re there for
(P) Number three engine missing
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search
(P) Aircraft handles funny
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, “fly right” and be serious!
(P) Target Radar hums
(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics
Obnoxious Drunk
An obnoxious drunk in a bar keeps hitting on an a lesbian waiting for her date. The drunk just won’t take no for an answer.
“Tell you what, I’ll sleep with you if you can name one thing a man can do for me that my vibrator can’t!” the lesbian smirks.
The obnoxious drunk thinks for a moment. “Okay, let’s see your vibrator buy the next round of drinks!”
Knock KnockWho’s there?Oldest Son!Oldest Son
Knock KnockWho’s there?Oldest Son!Oldest Son who?Oldest Son shines bright on my old Kentucky home…!
Tornadoes and Marriage
Q: How are tornadoes and marriage alike?
A: They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.