I love those ads that say: 50,000 satisfied customers can’t be wrong.
Maybe, but they sure can be stupid.
Author: admin
Resignation From Phone Committee
OPERATOR, WE’VE BEEN DISCONNECTED: Florida State Senator John McKay has resigned from the Senate Regulated Industries Committee, which oversees such monopolies as the phone company, after his wife charged in a divorce proceeding that McKay had been having an affair with the lobbyist for the Sprint telephone company. (AP) John, that’s not what Ma Bell meant by “Reach Out and Touch Someone”.
Convertable
Two blondes had just bought a brand new convertable. They decided to take a cruise. They went to the bar. They decided to leave after being there for about an hour. They notice they left to car keys in the car. They tried for about 2 hours trying to get the keys. A lady was standing outside of the bar and told the two women they better hurry up because a really bad storm was coming and they left the top DOWN on the car!!
Write anything
A fifth grader class was on an educational trip. As they rode along in the
school bus, the teacher noticed that one boy was lying facedown in the aisle of
the bus with his hands over his eyes. �Why are you lying in the aisle like
that.�
�Well,� said the boy, �if you don�t see anything, you don�t have to
write anything.�
Job Hunting Dog
A sign was hung in an office window. It read:Help wanted.Must type 70 words a minute.Must be computer literate.Must be bilingual.An equal opportunity employer.A dog was ambling down the street and saw the sign. Helooked at it for a moment, pulled it down with his mouth,and walked into the manager’srs office, making it clear hewished to apply for the job.The office manager laughed and said, “I can’t hire a dogfor this job.”The dog pointed to the line: “An equal opportunityemployer.”So the manager said, “OK, take this letter and type it.”The dog went off to the word processor and returned aminute later with the finished letter, perfectlyformatted.The manager said, “Alright, here’s a problem. Write acomputer program for it and run it.”Fifteen minutes later, the dog came back with the correctanswer.The manager still wasn’t convinced. “I still can’t hireyou for this position. You’ve got to be bilingual.”The dog looked up at the manager and said, “Meow.”
Children’s Games
A little boy runs into his house and asks, “Mom, can little
girls have babies?”
The mom answers, “No, of course not.” The little boy runs
outside, yelling, “It’s ok, we can play the game again!”
Ooh… saw that one coming.
What’s the difference between a dead dog in the middle of the road and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Yo mama so pretty
Yo mama so pretty i failed to notice she was your father.
I Hate My Job!
Next time you have an “I hate my job” day, try this:
On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer
section. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by “Johnson and
Johnson.” Be very sure you get this brand.
When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone
so you will not be disturbed during your therapy.
Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your
bed.
Open the package and remove the thermometer. Carefully place it on the bedside
table so that it will not become chipped or broken.
Take out the material that comes with the thermometer and read it.
You will notice that in small print there is a statement: “Every rectal
thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson is personally tested.”
Now close your eyes and repeat out loud five times: “I am so glad I do not
work for quality control at the Johnson and Johnson Company.”
Have a great week, and remember, there is always someone who has a worse job
than you have!
Einstein’s Chauffeur
When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker’s circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.
“I have an idea, boss,” his chauffeur said. “I’ve heard you give this speech so many times. I’ll bet I could give it for you.” Einstein laughed loudly and said, “Why not? Let’s do it!” When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur’s cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein’s speech and even answered a few questions expertly.
Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody’s fool. Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, “Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me.”
~~
Editor’s note: No, it’s not true, so don’t go forwarding it to your boss at the car park.
RIDING BIKES
It was the first day of the school year, and an elementary teacher was trying
to get to know her students.
“What did you do this summer?” the teacher asked Suzie.
“I and my family went to the beach a lot,” Suzie answered.
“That sounds like fun,” said the teacher. “How about you, Emma? What did you
do this summer?”
“I and my family rode our bikes together.”
“That sounds lovely,” said the teacher. She continued with all her pupils
until she got to shy Mike in the corner of the room.
“What did you do this summer, Mike?”
“Nothing,” the boy responded timidly.
“Did you do anything with your family?” the teacher asked, trying to draw Mike
out.
“Yes.”
“Did you go to the beach?”
“No.”
“Did you ride bikes?”
“No, never!” the boy burst out. “We can never ride bikes together!”
“Why not?” said the shocked teacher.
“I don’t know,” explained Mike, “but dad always said, when then mom and sis
start ‘cycling together’, it’s time to get the hell out of town.”
Software development cycle
1. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.2. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found. 3. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren’t really bugs.4. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn’t work and discovers 15 new bugs.5. Repeat three times steps 3 and 4.6. Due to marketing pressure and an extremely premature product announcement based on overly-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.7. Users find 137 new bugs.8. Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.9. Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.10. Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits.11. Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.12. New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires a programmer to redo program from scratch.13. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.