Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail she was hammering?The noise gave her a headache.
Author: admin
Who is the Father??
A man lies on his deathbed surrounded by his family: a weeping wife and four children. Three of the children are tall, good-looking, and athletic; but the fourth and the youngest is an ugly runt.”Darling wife,” The husband whispers, “assure me that the youngest child really is mine. I want to know the truth before I die, I will forgive you if…”The wife gently interrupts him. “Yes, my dearest, absolutely, no question, I swear on my mother’s grave that you are his father.”The man dies, happy.The wife mutters under her breath: “Thank God he didn’t ask me about the other three!”
Who’s backward?
What happens when you play Country music records backwards?
You Sober up, your wife comes home and your dog returns to life!
Bumper Sticker #110
I don’t care who you are, what you are driving, or where you would rather be.
Dentist to Patient
Dentist to Patient: “Would you help me out? I’d like you to give a few of your
loudest screams.” Patient: “Why, Doc? I didn’t feel a thing!” Dentist: “I know,
but there are so many people in the waiting room right now and I don’t want to
miss the five o’clock football game.”
Try to get some rest
A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to, and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of the city’s major jogging routes. No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window. He looked out and saw a jogger running in place. “Yes?” “Excuse me, sir,” the jogger said, “do you have the time?” The man looked at the car clock and answered, “8:15”. The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again, and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window and another jogger. “Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?” “8:25!” The jogger said thanks and left. Now the man could see other joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time before another one disturbed him. To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a sign in his window saying, “I do not know the time!” Once again he settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window. “Sir, sir? It’s 8:45!.”
The Top 13 Oscar Acceptance Speeches We’d Like to Hear
13> “I can really feel the love tonight — apart from the venomous glares of the losers, that is.”
12> “I’d like to thank my parents, for the deep psychological scars they inflicted which led me to seek out a career where I can get the empty, whore-like attention I so crave.”
11> “Dude, was I in that movie? Man, maybe I really should be in rehab.”
10> “And I’d like to thank the Church of Scientology, without whom I would have enough money that I wouldn’t have had to make this movie in the first place.”
9> “I’d like to thank Palm Beach County for designing this year’s ballot…”
8> “I’d like to thank the Academy for this award — but since I had to sleep with the guy from Price-Waterhouse…”
7> “I’m sure I’ll appreciate the irony of this achievement three years from now, when I’m stuck doing ‘Hollywood Squares’ to pay the rent.”
6> “And in closing, I’d like to invite Roger Ebert to bite me…”
5> “…and to my wife who stuck by me all these years: Sorry, Babe, but Oscar means a supermodel upgrade.”
4> “Achieving this kind of success as an actor is a struggle. That’s why I’d like you all to consider how much extra money you could be making as an Amway distributor…”
3> “…and most of all, this means no more blowing directors to get the good roles.”
2> “I’d like to thank my boyfriend, Benjamin Brat for all his support, the director, Steven Soderbergh, for including me in this great project, and of course, Mephistopheles, Lord of the Hoary Netherworld, for my entire career.”
1> “I accept this award not just for me, but for *all* the dudes out there who occasionally lose their cars.”
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]Bob lived in an apartment
Bob lived in an apartment building and had to walk down the hall every morning
to get his mail. One morning while getting his mail, his new (drop dead
gorgeous) neighbor slinked out of her apartment towards him and as she leaned
over to get her mail her robe opened a bit. Bob could hardly beleive it, she
wasn’t wearing a thing under her robe. The woman leaned closer to Bob and
said good morning. This time her robe opened up completely. She purred to
Bob that she hadn’t had a man in years. He could hardly keep eye contact when
she said she heard someone coming and that they should go back to her
apartment. They went inside and she let the robe fall to the floor. What do
you think my best feature is? Bob stuttered and drueled a bit and finally
said “Your ears.”
“What do you mean my ears, look at me. I have round perfect breasts, a nice
tight ass and legs to die for what on earth made you say EARS!!!
“Well,” said Bob “In the hall you said you heard someone coming, that was
me!!!
Dos amigos estaban escalando una
Dos amigos estaban escalando una monta�a cuando de repente uno de ellos dio un paso en falso y cay� de la cima, desapareciendo de la vista del otro.
Como ven�an equipados con equipos de radio, el otro trat� de contactarlo de inmediato con el suyo:
“�Bueno, bueno…! �est�s bien?”
“�S�, estoy bien!”
El amigo suspir� aliviado, y sigui� preguntando:
“�Tienes alguna fractura?”
“No, ninguna.”
“Entonces vuelve a subir y aqu� te espero.”
“�No puedo, todav�a estoy cayendoooooooo!”
NO EXCUSE SUNDAY
To make it possible for everyone to attend church on Sunday, we are proposing
to have a special ‘No Excuse Sunday.’
1. Cots will be placed in the foyer for those who say, “Sunday is my only day
to sleep in.”
2. They will have steel helmets for those who say, “The roof will cave in if I
ever came to church.”
3. Blankets will be furnished for those who say it is too cold and fans for
those who say it is too hot.
4. There will be hearing aids for those who say, “The pastor speaks too
softly,” and cotton for those who say, “He preaches too loudly.”
5 Scorecards will be available for those who wish to list the hypocrites
present.
6. Some relatives will be in attendance for those who like to go
visiting on Sunday.
7. There will be TV dinners for those who can’t go to church and cook dinner
too.
8. Golf clubs will be available for practice swings for those who like to
golf on Sunday.
The best way to lie
The best way to lie is to tell the truth, carefully edited truth.
My Wife is Drowning!
Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw his wife flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man started to scream for help. A trout fisherman ran up.The man said, “My wife is drowning and I can’t swim. Please save her. I”ll give you a hundred dollars.”The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, “Okay, where’s my hundred?” The man said, “Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But it’s actually my mother-in-law.”The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, “Just my luck. How much do I owe you?