There was a blonde who was taking her kids to Disney Land. When they were about half way there, the blonde say a sign that said “Disney Land Left,” so the blonde turned back around and went home.
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Dos tontilandeses van a robar
Dos tontilandeses van a robar a la casa de un ricach�n. Al llegar, ven un cartel de ‘Cuidado con el perro’.
“V�monos, que aqu� hay perro”.
“Pero si eso lo ponen todos para asustar a los ladrones”.
Manolo, asustado, se va por los alrededores de la casa y ve una parab�lica. Regresa, a�n m�s asustado, con Venancio:
“�V�monos, v�monos!”
“�Has visto al perro?”
“No, pero s� el plato en el que come”.
The Top 13 Indications Harry Potter Is Going Through Puberty
13> His broomstick has more bristles.12> His voice cracks more than Richard Harris’ ever did.11> Seems to be conjuring a lot of Kleenex lately.10> Uses the Cloak of Invisibility to hang out in girl’s locker room. 9> Opened the Chamber of Victoria’s Secrets. 8> Asks Moaning Myrtle if she would consider haunting the boys’ shower room. 7> Made his lightning-shaped forehead scar into a Grateful Dead tattoo. 6> Turned his owl into a Hooters waitress. 5> His voice cracks while casting a spell, causing it to rain naked Tracey Ullmans. 4> All that awful, awful poetry. 3> Last spell learned? “The Incantation of the Unscrambled Spice Channel.” 2> No longer invited to sleepovers at Neverland Castle. 1> “Erectius concealioso!” [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
Nude beach
A young husband and wife were sunning on a nude beach when a wasp buzzed into the woman’s vagina.
The husband covered her with a coat, pulled on his shorts, carried her to the car and made a dash to the hospital.
After examining her, the doctor explained that the wasp was too far in to be reached with forceps.
He suggested the husband try to entice it out by putting honey on his penis, penetrating her and withdrawing as soon as he felt the wasp.
The man agreed to try, but because he was so nervous, he couldn’t rise to the occasion. “if neither of you objects,” the doctor said, “I could give it a try.”
Under the circumstances, both agreed. The doctor quickly undressed, slathered on some honey and mounted the woman.
The husband watched with increasing alarm as the doctor’s thrust continued for several long minutes. “Hey, What the hell is happening?”
“Change of plans,” The physician panted. ” I’m going to drown the little bastard!.”
Thrown out of the lab
Top ways to get thrown out of chemistry lab10. Pretend an electron got stuck in your ear, and insist on describing the sound to others.9. Give a cup of liquid nitrogen to a classmate and ask, “Does this taste funny to you?”8. Consistently write three atoms of potassium as “KKK.”
Because white ones get dirty too fast.
Why do elephants wear pink tennis shoes?
Because white ones get dirty too fast.
To attract maximum attention, it’s
To attract maximum attention, it’s hard to beat a good, big, dumb mistake.
Reason to stay at work all night
5. Draw stick people in all the landscape pictures on the walls, and in the morning, be the first to point out “what a terrible thing that someone did this to such beautiful works of art”.
Sensible changes
A programmer was walking along the beach when he found a lamp. Upon rubbing
the lamp a genie appeared who stated “I am the most powerful genie in the world.
I can grant you any wish you want, but only one wish.”
The programmer pulled out a map of the Mediterranean area and said “I’d like
there to be a just and last peace among the people in the middle east.”
Genie: “Gee, I don’t know. Those people have been fighting since the beginning
of time. I can do just about anything, but this is beyond my limits.”
Programmer: “Well, I am a programmer and my programs have a lot of users.
Please make all the users satisfied with my programs and let them ask sensible
changes.”
Rich or Poor?
Two poor kids were invited by a rich kid to a swimming party at his pool. When they were changing into their swim trunks, one turned to the other and said: “Did you notice the small dicks on the rich kids?” The other answered: “Yeah! It’s probably because they have toys to play with!”
Policeman
What to not say to the nice policeman.
I can’t reach my license unless you hold my beer.
Sorry, Officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in.
Aren’t you the guy from the Village People?
Hey, you must’ve been doing about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good Job!
I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police
officer.
I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school
instead.
Bad cop! No doughnut!
You’re not gonna check the trunk, are you?
Gee, that gut sure doesn’t inspire confidence.
Didn’t I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?
Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend’s nightstand.
Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at
McDonald’s?
I pay your salary!
So, uh, you on the take or what?
Gee, Officer! That’s terrific! The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car
around–that’s how far ahead of me they are.
What do you mean, “Have I been drinking?” You’re the trained specialist.
Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap
and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed
out of control.
Hey, is that a 9mm? That’s nothing compared to this .44 magnum!
Hey, can you give me another one of those full body cavity searches?
Eating Slugs
About 2 years ago, there was a big flap when a 6 year old boy and his 3 year old sister disappeared from their home. The police searched, the parents freaked, and the media-types looked solemn as they announced that there was still no trace of the children. The kids showed up a few days later. It seems that they had run away from home due to some dispute over second helpings of Ovaltine or some such. The funny part was when the media-type was interviewing the boy.
Interviewer: “Weren’t you cold at night?”
Boy: “Naw. We just slept under a porch.”
Interviewer: “Didn’t you get hungry? What did you eat?”
Boy: “Slugs.”
Interviewer: (Turning a delightful shade of green but still game.) “How did you eat them?”
Boy: “We boiled them in some aluminum foil we stole. They taste kind of like chicken …”
Interviewer: (Going a deeper green.) “Back to you, Cathy..”
Now there is a real survivalist. Having eaten escargot, (once), I’m of the opinion that snails are just slugs in dress clothes.