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How to Tell if You’re a Woman

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1. You’re a Bitch.

2. When asked “Is something bothering you?” you reply “no,” then get pissed off when you are believed.

3. You become attracted to someone because he is outgoing and loves parties, start dating him, and immediately expect him to stop this behaviour.

4. You always take an hour longer than promised to prepare for the evening.

5. You always hide very important events in very unimportant terms so you can have something to be pissed about when your boyfriend declines because he has pressing business. For example, you say “It’s no big deal, but I was wondering if you would like to visit my parents with me if you are not busy this weekend,” when you mean “It means a great deal to me for you to see my family with me this weekend – whether it is possible or not!”

6. You whine.

7. If you are trying to sleep, it’s because you’re exhausted from your almost superhuman level of daily achievement; if he is trying to sleep it’s because he is lazy.

8. No matter what the activity, he doesn’t do it as well as a past boyfriend.

9. If he pays attention to you, he is smothering you.

10. If he gives you space, he is ignoring you.

11. You complain.

12. You hate any bar he likes.

13. You demand to be treated as an equal in everything – except when paying for meals, airplane tickets, concerts, beers, clothes, etc. – these are required gifts proving his love.

14. You declare PMS at any given time. If he is knowledgeable about your cycle, tell him you’re irregular from all the stress of your life.

15. Any woman who so much as stares at your boyfriend is labelled a WHORE, and your network of friends is informed immediately to spread this ‘fact’ as quickly as possible.

16. You make his life miserable by making him feel guilty about doing anything other than catering to your needs.

17. You break into tears for no apparent reason, then use number 2.

18. You ask for help in some endeavour then become livid when it is given.

19. You insinuate yourself into your boyfriend’s group of friends, break up with him, then make sure you are present at every gathering for the next month just to rub it in.

20. You must have two sets of clothes: your “Fat Clothes” and your “Clothes I’m Going to Fit In Someday, I Swear”. Still, you don’t like any of them.

21. (Corollary to #4) You have three closets (plus two dressers and six boxes) full of clothes, yet you stand in front of them for three hours before an important dinner declaring, “I have nothing to wear.”

22. You actually like the Lifetime cable channel.

23. Girls Night Out is a special treat. Boys Night Out is forbidden.

The National Poetry Contest

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The National Poetry Contest had come down to the last two, a Yale graduate and
a redneck from Texas. They were given a word, and then they were allowed two
minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The
word that they were given was “Timbuktu�.
First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone
and said:
Slowly across the desert sand trekked a lonely caravan; Men on camels, two by
two Destination Timbuktu.
The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The
redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:
Me and Tim a hunting’ went. Met three whores in a pop up tent. They was three,
and we was two, so I bucked one, and Timbuktu.
The redneck won hands down!

A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was…

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A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of
problems selling
it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it. One day, she told
her problem to
a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her,
“There is a
possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it’s not
legal.” “That
doesn’t matter,” replied the blonde,”if I only can sell the
car.” “Okay,”
said the brunette. “Here is the address of a friend of mine.
He owns a car
repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter
in your car
back to 50,000 miles. Then it shouldn’t be a problem to sell
your car
anymore.” The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to
the mechanic.
About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, “Did
you sell your
car?” “No,” replied the blonde, “why should I? It only has
50,000 miles on it.”

RIDING BIKES

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It was the first day of the school year, and an elementary teacher was trying
to get to know her students.
“What did you do this summer?” the teacher asked Suzie.
“I and my family went to the beach a lot,” Suzie answered.
“That sounds like fun,” said the teacher. “How about you, Emma? What did you
do this summer?”
“I and my family rode our bikes together.”
“That sounds lovely,” said the teacher. She continued with all her pupils
until she got to shy Mike in the corner of the room.
“What did you do this summer, Mike?”
“Nothing,” the boy responded timidly.
“Did you do anything with your family?” the teacher asked, trying to draw Mike
out.
“Yes.”
“Did you go to the beach?”
“No.”
“Did you ride bikes?”
“No, never!” the boy burst out. “We can never ride bikes together!”
“Why not?” said the shocked teacher.
“I don’t know,” explained Mike, “but dad always said, when then mom and sis
start ‘cycling together’, it’s time to get the hell out of town.”

Testing your Vocabulary

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Warning – Please DO NOT look at the bottom of the page before you answer
ALL the questions

1) What is a four-letter word that ends in k and means the same as
intercourse?

2) What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has only two of?

3) What can you find in a man’s pants that is about six inches long,
has a head on it, and that women love so much that they often blow it?

4) What word starts with f and ends with u-c-k?

5) What four letter word begins with f and ends with k, and if you can’t
get one you can use your hands?

6) What is hard, six inches long, has two nuts, and can make a girl fat?

7) What is it that all men have one of; it’s longer on some men than on
others; the pope doesn’t use his; and a man gives it to his wife after
they’re married?

PLEASE SEE THE ANSWER

ANSWERS:
1. (talk)
2. (legs)
3. (a twenty dollar bill)
4. (firetruck)
5. (fork)
6. (Almond Joy candy bar)
7. (last name)

Convertable

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Two blondes had just bought a brand new convertable. They decided to take a cruise. They went to the bar. They decided to leave after being there for about an hour. They notice they left to car keys in the car. They tried for about 2 hours trying to get the keys. A lady was standing outside of the bar and told the two women they better hurry up because a really bad storm was coming and they left the top DOWN on the car!!