Yours Fun Portal !
She’s sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton!
Submitted by Curtis
1. Put miniature marshmallows in your ears, hum off-key loudly
2. Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa and vice-versa.
3. When someone says “have a nice day”, tell them you have other plans.
4. Make a list of things to do that you have already done.
5. Fill out your tax form using Roman Numerals.
6. Tape pictures of your boss on watermelons and launch them from high places.
7. Leaf through “National Geographic” and draw underwear on the natives.
8. Stick a post-it that says, “Out to Lunch” on your forehead.
9. Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day
10. Buy a subscription to “Sleazoid Weekly” and send it to your boss’s wife.
11. Pay your electric bill in pennies.
12. Drive to work in reverse.
13. Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.
14. Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you.
15. Braid the hairs in each nostril.
16. Write a short story using alphabet soup.
17. Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they’re in jail.
18. Make up a language and ask people for directions in it.
19. Bill your doctor for time spent in his waiting room.
20. Call up everyone in your rolodex; when they answer, say, “I must have the wrong number!”
What’s the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons.
Civil engineers build targets.
You such a reject that when you go to the ocean the Titanic came up and said GET AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Knock KnockWho’s there?Lime!Lime who?Lime bean!
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
A cowboy rides his horse to a saloon and kisses his horse on the butt before coming in and asking for a drink. The bartender serves him and asks him why he did that.”I have chapped lips.””Does manure help them heal?””No, but it keeps me from licking them.”
There were three golfers.One golfer hit the ball and it went in the water. He walked over to the edge and stuck his golf club into the water. The water parted and the golfer hit his ball onto the green.The second golfer hit his ball. It also splashed into the water. The golfer walked onto the water, found his the ball, placed it next to the water hazard and hit it onto the green.As you may have guessed, the first golfer was Moses, and the second golfer was Jesus.The third teed off. The ball soared through the air and it too was headed for the water. However, just before the ball went in the water, a fish jumped up and grabbed the ball in its mouth. As the fish was about to go back into the water, a eagle grabbed the fish and started to fly away. Then, as the eagle flew over the green a big flash of lightning hit the eagle. Well, the eagle dropped the fish and as the fish fell on the green, the ball rolled out of his mouth and into the hole.Then Jesus shouted, “Dad! If you do that again,I’m going to stop inviting you to play golf with us!”
The Times newspaper (UK) recently carried a story about a taxi driver from
Brighton who has spent the last 6 years of his leisure time writing out the
numbers from one to a million by hand in order to get into the Guinness Book Of
Records. When the compiler came round to check,
he informed the man that he will need to do it again, as “they have to be
written in words, not digits.”
Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, “What was the problem?” “The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine,” explained the Flight Attendant, “and it took us a while to find a new pilot.”
Knock KnockWho’s there?Candice!Candice who?Candice get any better!
20> Failure is not an option. For you, it’s inevitable.
19> Seek and you shall find. Find and it’s your problem, so better think twice about that seeking stuff.
18> Your most inspired work will never be as frequently seen as a fake nude of Britney.
17> Just say “can’t.”
16> Plagiarism: Anyone can be daring and original, but it requires big brass balls to take credit without expending any effort. YOU HEAR THAT, YOU “WACKY” RADIO MORNING SHOW LOSERS?!?
15> There isn’t that much difference between a “winner” and a “whiner.” Or a “wiener,” too, for that matter.
14> Don’t forget: It’s never too late to run away screaming.
13> Unless you’re the lead dog, the view never changes. But hey, snickering at the lead dogs as they walk into all the cobwebs and step in all the poop ain’t such a bad life.
12> Death: Remember, its cold, bony hand can be a comfort.
11> Determination: Keep your eyes on the prize or you may end up spending 20 years designing motivational posters. Please, somebody shoot me!
10> When the load gets tough, the tough get loaded.
9> There’s no “I” in “TEAM.” And while you were busy spell-checking, your co-worker took all the credit for that project you were working on.
8> Life is a marathon, not a sprint. So think twice before super-sizing that next order of fries, tubby.
7> Just shut up and drink the Kool-Aid.
6> Marketing: “Efforting to shift the organizational paradigm through dynamic manipulation of throughput structures” will get you promoted, but “wanking in the executive washroom” will get you fired.
5> Be honest with your neighbors. It’s not just a good idea, it’s Megan’s law.
4> Integrity: That and a buck will buy you some coffee while everyone else is sleeping their way toward raises and bigger offices.
3> Anything in the world worth doing is– HEY! FREE BAGELS IN THE CONFERENCE ROOM!
2> A morning without smiles is like a workday.
1> Moving ahead of your co-workers can be easy, provided you’re willing to risk several consecutive life sentences.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]