Author: admin

Excuses, Excuses…

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A vacationing golfer was out playing on a course that he had never played before. He hired a caddie from the pro shop to show him the layout of the course, and help him decide what shots to play.

On the first tee, the golfer missed his shot, and it dribbled forward about 15 yards. He was slightly embarrassed, but determined to play a better second shot. He hit his second shot into the bordering fairway, and his third shot into a sand trap. By the time he holed out on this Par 4, he was 6 over par.

The man turned to his caddie and said, “Well, I have never played this badly before!”

To which the caddie replied, “I didn’t realize you had played before, sir.”

Trying to get Pregnant…

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The young blonde bride made her first appointment with a gynecologist and told him that she and her husband wished to start a family. “We’ve been trying for months now, Doctor, and I don’t seem to be able to get pregnant,” she confessed miserably.

“I’m sure we’ll solve your problem,” the doctor reassured her. “If you’ll just take off your underpants and get up on the examining table…”

“Well, all right, Doctor,” agreed the young woman, blushing, “but I’d rather have my husband’s baby.”

Adminstratium

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Investigators at a major research institution have discovered the heaviest element known to science. This startling new discovery has been tentatively named Administratium. This new element has no protons or electrons, thus having an atomic number of 0. It does, however, have 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons and 111 assistant vice neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally take less than a second. Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years; it does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. In fact, an Administratium sample’s mass will actually increase over time, since with each reorganization some of the morons inevitably become neutrons, forming new isotopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Administratium is spontaneously formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as the “Critical Morass.” You will know it when you see it.

Honeymoon

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This old man and old lady met, fell in love, and got married.

On their honeymoon they went to a fancy hotel to do honeymoon stuff.

After smooching in their room, the old gentleman said he was going to the bathroom, to get ready for sex.

When he came out, he saw the old girl standing on her head, naked, against the wall.

“What the heck are you doing?” he said.

She said, “I thought that at your age, you probably couldn’t get it up! So I figured you could just drop it in!”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Disney turns Homosexual?

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Despite protests, boycotts and whatnot, “gay friendly” Disney chairman Michael “I’m Not Gay But I Love That Way” Eisner announced that the entertainment goliath would proceed with it’s complete overhaul of all Disney products, especially it’s film division, in it’s plans to “completely fagify” before the year 2000.

Undeterred by his $90 million dollar palimony settlement with power player Michael Ovitz from whom he recently separated, Eisner wants to keep momentum of the homosexualization of Disney at full throttle. Here are a few of their upcoming projects:

The long-awaited re-release of PINNOCHIO.

BEAUTY AND THE BEAST, with new voices provided by Rob Jackson-Parish (as Beauty), Harvey Fierstein (as the Beast), and Sir Ian McKellan (as Mr. Tea Room).

THE LITTLE SPERM-AID (for male audiences), starring Greg Louganis.

THE LITTLE HER-MAID (for lesbian audiences into cute little french uniforms), starring the voice of Jody Foster.

A-LAD-IN, with lead voice by Chad Allen (of Dr. Quinn fame) and Harvey Fierstein (as the Genie) (featuring the song “A Whole New Girl” by RuPaul).

THE LYIN’ KING — with a new story focusing on Himba, a cute little tyke who calls himself Same Gender Loving but sleeps around with the rest of the lions for nothing more than sex. Featuring the songs “Jerk Circle of Life” and “Hakuna, No Caca, I Ain’t Into That Shit”.

THE CURVED-BACK OF WHATTA DAME — Cruella de Ville and Jessica Rabbitt set their eyes on the bodacious curvavious Esmerelda.

THE APPLE DUMPLING GANG-BANG — starring Kevin Spacey, James Black, Tyson Beckford and DB Woodside

SNOW QUEEN AND THE SEVEN EUROPEAN DWARFS — featuring the song “Colors in the End” by Jay Davidson.

And, of course:

101 DENTAL DAM-NATIONS

AROUND THE BATHOUSE IN 80 MINUTES

BEDPOSTS AND BIG STICKS

DOOFY DOES DALLAS

DOWN AND OUT IN BEVERLY SILLS

DOWN AND OUT IN CLINTON HILL

DOWN AND OUT ON BALDWIN HILLS

ESCAPE TO CLIT MOUTNAIN

FAGTASIA

HERBIE RIDES AGAIN… AND AGAIN… AND AGAIN

HIMBERELLA

HUNG OF THE SOUTH

LOOK WHO’S WALKING FUNNY

MARY POPS IN, starring Queen Latifah and Kathy Najimy

NAMBY

PETE’S VERY LONG DRAGON

POKE-A-HUNTER

SLEEPING BOOTY

SMELLIN’

SMIRKULES, about a bunch of catty cats

SWEET DICK WILLIE

SWISS ROD IN SOME FAMILY

THE ADVENTURES OF UNCLE TOM SAWYER AND FUCKLEBERRY FINN

THE JUNGLE FEVER BOOK

WHO TURNED OUT ROGER’S RABBIT?