Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown. A few days later, as she was driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a herd of goats pass.Admiring the cute creatures, she said to the goatherder, ”If I can guess how many goats you have, can I take one?”.The goatherder, always the gentleman replied, ”Of course.”The blonde thought for a moment and for no discernible reason said, ”352.”This being the correct number, the goatherder was, understandably totally amazed and exclaimed, ”You’re right! Okay, I’ll keep my end of the deal. Take your pick of my herd.”The blonde carefully considered the entire herd and finally picked one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others.When she was done, the goatherder turned to her and said, ”Okay, now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?”
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Halloween Costume
A black man and his wife were going to a Halloween party in a couple of days.
The husband tells his wife to go to the store and get costumes for them to wear.
When he comes home that night he goes to the bedroom where there laid out on
the bed was a Superman costume. The husband yells at his wife, “What are you
doing? Have you ever heard of a black Superman? Take this back and get me
something else I can wear.”
The next day the wife not too happy, returns the costume and gets a
replacement. The husband comes home from work once more and there laid out on
the bed was a Batman costume. He again yells at his wife, “What are you doing?
Have you ever heard of a black Batman? Take this back and get me something I can
wear to the costume party.”
By this time the wife is irate, so the next morning she goes shopping. When
the husband comes home again from work there laid out on the bed are three
items. In one neat pile is a set of three white buttons, another is a white
belt, and the third item is a 2 x 4 of wood. The husband yells at the wife,
“What the hell are these for?” The wife yells back, “You can take your clothes
off and take the three white buttons and put them on the front of you and go as
a domino, and if you don’t like that one, you can take the belt and put it on
and go as an Oreo cookie. And if you don’t like that one, you can stick the 2 x
4 up your ass and go as a fudge sickle.”
Building contractor
A women hired a contractor to repaint the interior of her house.
The women walked the man through the second floor of her home and told him what colors she wanted for each room.
As they walked through the ffirst room, the woman said, “I think I would like this room in a cream
color.”
The contractor wrote on his clipboard, walked to the window, opened it and yelled out the window, “Green side up!”
He then closed the window and continued following the woman to the next room.
The woman looked confused, but proceeded with her tour. “In this room, I was thinking of an off blue.”
Again, the contractor wrote this down, went to the window, opened it and yelled out, “Green side up!”
This baffled the woman, but she was hesitant to say anything. In the next room, the woman said she would like it painted in a light rosecolor.
And once more, the contractor opened the window and yelled,”Green side up!”
Struck with curiosity, the woman mustered up the nerve to ask, “Why do you keep yelling ‘Green side up’ out my window every time I tell you the color I would like the room?”
The contractor replied, “Because I have a crew of blonde women laying sod across the street.”
Don’t mess with the judge
There were three men at a bar. One man got drunk and started a fight with the
other two men. The police came and took the drunk guy to jail. The next day the
man went before the judge. The judge asked the man, �Where do you work?�
The man said, �Here and there.�
The judge asked the man, �What do you do for a living?�
The man said, �This and that.�
The judge then said, �Take him away.�
The man said, �Wait, judge when will I get out?�
The judge said to the man, �Sooner or later.�
Man in Calif. Sues Tom Ridge
MAN IN CALIF. SUES TOM RIDGE OVER DUCT TAPE ADVICE
Corona, CA(Corona Times)
Tom Ridge’s advice to Americans to stock up on duct tape and plastic has sparked a lawsuit which has been filed against him, the Department of Homeland Security and President George W. Bush.
Steven J. Bosell, the owner of B & B Construction in Corona, California, has filed a lawsuit claiming emotional distress, personal injury and sexual disfunction after he wrapped his “privates” in duct tape to protect them from a biological attack.
“After watching Mr. Ridge on television advising us to stock up on duct tape and plastic, I went to the local Costco and bought $100 worth of duct tape to protect myself”, Bosell said. “When I got home, I taped up my windows and doors. After I did that I realized survivors like myself are going to reproduce and populate the Earth after a biological attack, we have to protect our privates as well.”
Bosell claimed in his lawsuit he wrapped his “privates” in duct tape as test of “Homeland Security”. When he tried to remove the tape, Bosell injured himself when the tape began peeling off skin and body hair. After calling an ambulance, Bosell was taken to the hospital where the doctors and nurses laughed at him.
“I told the doctors and nurses at the hospital if they laughed, I would file a lawsuit against them and the hospital. They laughed anyways and I now have another lawsuit pending” Bosell said with tears streaming down his face. “They went out their way to make me look like a fool. Once I saw the doctors scalpel go toward my privates, I totally lost it and blacked out”.
Also named in the lawsuit is the President of the United States, George W. Bush. “President Bush is just as liable for injury to my reproductive future because he hired Mr. Ridge to run the Department of Homeland Security and Mr. Ridge gave the nation bad advice. They also made me look like a fool.” Bosell sobbed.
The Department of Homeland Security and the Bush Administration have no comment on Mr. Bosell’s lawsuit.
Only in California…
Wedding Reception
A bride and groom had just gotten married and they were at their wedding reception. In the brides culture, it was required for the bride to dance with the best man. Well after 4-5 dances, the groom got jealous and kicked the bride in-between her legs. She went to the hospital and the doctor asked ,”What happened?” The best man said,” I was dancing with the bride, and the groom got jealous and kicked her between the legs.” “God, that must of hurt,” replied the doctor. The best man said,”Tell me about it, he broke three of my fingers!”
Obituary
It is with the saddest heart that we must pass on the following news.
Please join us in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.
The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly.
He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.
Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Buttersworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.
The gravesite was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.
Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers.
He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes.
Despite being a little flaky at times he still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough; two children, John Dough and Jane Dough; plus they had one in the oven.
He is also survived by his elderly dad, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
The race
One day, good news circulated around the testicle. Apparently,
the host and his wife had been talking about having kids. Well,
one young sperm decided that he would be the first one to the
egg, so he immediately began a rigorous exercise program to get
in prime condition for the upcoming race. He practiced for hours
a day, and soon had broken the record for laps around the
seminal vesicle.
Then, one day it was time to line up for the big race to the
egg. All the sperm lined up in the vas deferens, and the eager
sperm forced his way to the front of the pack. The go ahead was
given to start the race, and the marathon sperm shot far ahead
of all the rest. The others had just lost sight of him when he
suddenly turned around and started swimming upstream as fast as
he could.
As the others passed him they shouted “What’s wrong?”
“BLOW JOB!!!!”
Indian Birth Names
This Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face. “Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named “Mighty Storm”? “Because he was conceived during a mighty storm.” “Why is my sister named “Cornflower”? “Well, your father and I were in a cornfield, when we made her.” “And why is my other sister called “Moonchild”? “We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived.” “Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?”
What do you call a safe paki
what do you call a safe paki?
Asif
Yo mamas like a
your mamas like a vaccum cleaner she sucks she blows and she gets laid in the closet!!LOL!!
Love Stinks
What happened to the blind skunk? He fell in love with a fart.