Author: admin

I was on my way to the post office to pick up my case of free M&M’s (sent to me because I forwarded an e-mail to five other people, celebrating the fact that the year 2000 is “MM” in Roman numerals), when I ran into a friend whose neighbor, a young man, was home recovering from having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken (which is predictable, since as everyone knows, there’s no actual chicken in Kentucky Fried Chicken, which is why the government made them change their name to KFC).

Anyway, one day this guy went to sleep and when he awoke he was in his bathtub and it was full of ice and he was sore all over and when he got out of the tub he realized that HIS KIDNEY HAD BEEN STOLEN. He saw a note on his mirror that said “Call 911!” but he was afraid to use his phone because it was connected to his computer, and there was a virus on his computer that would destroy his hard drive if he opened an email entitled “Join the crew!” He knew it wasn’t a hoax because he himself was a computer programmer who was working on software to prevent a global disaster in which all the computers get together and distribute the $250.00 Neiman-Marcus cookie recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates. (It’s true – I read it all last week in a mass e-mail from BILL GATES HIMSELF, who was also promising me a free Disney World vacation and $5,000 if I would forward the e-mail to everyone I know.)

The poor man then tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report his missing kidneys, but a voice on the line first asked him to press #90, which unwittingly gave the bandit full access to the phone line at the guy’s expense.

Then reaching into the coin-return slot he got jabbed with an HIV-infected needle around which was wrapped a note that said, “Welcome to the world of AIDS.” Luckily he was only a few blocks from the hospital – the one where that little boy who is dying of cancer is, the one whose last wish is for everyone in the world to send him an e-mail and the American Cancer Society has agreed to pay him a nickel for every e-mail he receives.

I sent him two e-mails and one of them was a bunch of x’s and o’s in the shape of an angel (if you get it and forward it to more than 10 people, you will have good luck but for 10 people only you will only have OK luck and if you send it to fewer than10 people you will have BAD LUCK FOR SEVEN YEARS).

So anyway the poor guy tried to drive himself to the hospital, but on the way he noticed another car driving without its lights on. To be helpful, he flashed his lights at him and was promptly shot as part of a gang initiation.

Send THIS to all the friends who send you their junk mail and you will receive 4 green M&Ms — if you don’t, the owner of Proctor and Gamble will report you to his Satanist friends and you will have more bad luck: you will get sick from the Sodium Laureth Sulfate in your shampoo, your spouse/mate will develop a skin rash from using the antiperspirant which clogs the pores under your arms, and the U.S. government will put a tax on your e-mails forever.

I know this is all true because I read it on the Internet!

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

El siguiente correo electr�nico lleg� a mi correo interno en la empresa donde trabajo, proveniente de una afiliada en Estados Unidos:

MESSAGE FROM CORPORATE (Any Corporate)
TO: ALL MEXICAN STAFF
FROM: HUMAN RESOURCES
RE: IMPROPER LANGUAGE USAGE
DATE: NOVEMBER 05, 2001

Several corporate officers have brought to our attention that Mexican staff commonly uses inappropriate language. Such behavior, in addition to violating Company Policy # 23.2, is regarded as highly unprofessional and offensive. Therefore, from this date forward, everyone concerned should immediately adhere to the following rules:

1. Words like ‘carajo’, ‘chingada’ and other such expressions will not be used for emphasis, no matter how heated the discussion might be.

2. You will not say ‘pendejo’ or ‘la cagas’, when somebody is being reprimanded, or ‘que pendejada’ or ‘que mamadas son estas’ when a major mistake or conflict has risen. All forms derived of the verbs, ‘pendejear’, ‘mamar’ or ‘cagar’ are unsuitable in our environment, for they lead to further confusion and potential disagreement.

3. No Manager, Director, or least Vice-President under any circumstances will be referred to as ‘hijo de su chingada madre’, ‘hijo de puta’, ‘cabr�n’ or ‘ojete’.

4. Lack of determination will not be referred to as ‘falta de huevos’, ‘pinche puto’ or ‘maric�n’, nor will persons with lack of initiative be referred as ‘culero’ or ‘pendejo’.

5. Unusual creative or original ideas should not be referred to as ‘pinches jaladas’.

6. Do not say ‘como chinga’ or ‘jode’ if a person is persistent, or ‘est� jodido’ if a colleague is going through a difficult situation, or his or her department’s position is untenable or ill-conceived. Furthermore, you must not say ‘que chinga’ when matters turn complicated.

7. When asking someone to leave you alone, you must not say ‘vete a la chingada’ or ‘vete al carajo’, do not ever substitute ‘May I help you’ with ‘�qu� chingados quieres?’. When things get-tough and unacceptable, and statement such as ‘We are going through a difficult time’ should be used rather than: ‘esto est� de la chingada’.

8.Performance Management sessions with staff should never be referred to as ‘esto ya mam�’.

9.If you make a mistake just say so, and not say ‘ya la cagu�’ or ‘ya me llev� la chingada’ when your Direct Reports get to know about your mistakes.

10.Under no circumstance should you call our staff members who are approaching retirement as ‘rucos ojetes’.

11.When in a hurry never use expressions such as ‘�ndale, cabr�n’ or ‘orale, pinches putos’.

12. The statement ‘te la pelas’ should not be used to discourage someone.

13. ‘Nos la pelaron los pinches gringos’ should not be used to convey the idea of victory in a negotiation.

14. Body language like the one used by Mexican Senator Roque Villanueva is prohibited.

15. When a problem is not your responsibility, you must not say ‘no es mi pedo’, for there is not an accurate translation of the statement in our language

Thanks and have a nice day.

A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting, he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry. He looks up from the page and says to her,”Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?”She looks at him wistfully, smiles, and replies, “Oh yeah? Why don’t you prove it.”He frowns for a moment, then says, “Okay.” He then gets up and walks out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.About a half an hour later, he returns all tired and sweaty and proclaims, “Well I’m sure the cow and sheep didn’t, but the way that pig’s always squealing, how can you tell?”

Q: What do you do to a black person that is choking?

A: Stop laughing and tighten the rope!