Author: admin

Superman: the gay experience

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So one day superman was flying over this skyscraper. He saw this hot girl, sunbathing nude. Then he goes, “What the hell, i want to screw her. I can do it and she won’t even notice.” So he goes down, screws her aand flies away.
The hot girl goes, “What the hell was that?”

The invisible man replies, “I don’t know, but my asshole really hurts now…”

Get it?

The Boy who loved to eat green jell-o

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The boy who liked Jell-O

There once was a boy named Joe who loved to eat green Jell-O. On his 18th birthday his cake was made totally out of green Jell-O. His friend Billy Bob told Joe that if he ate the whole cake he would become a super-hero. Joe did this in hopes he could be like the power-puff-girls. When the cake was all gone Joe didn�t feel to good. Billy Bob told him if he jumped off a cliff his stomach wouldn�t hurt and since he was now a super-hero he could just fly around for a while. Joe thought this was really a sensible idea and wondered why he hadn�t thought of it himself.
Joe found a cliff and jumped off. To his surprise he couldn�t fly, he flapped his arms and everything else he�d seen birds do, but nothing seemed to work. Now he was terrified and he put his hands into prayer position and began to pray, �Our father who does art in heaven, Howard be your name�.� And on it went like that until he came to a thump.
He had landed in a lake, and in the lake where flying fish. Now Joe had a great idea, he would put a flying fish in each hand and have them fly him to the top of the cliff. He grabbed two fish and yelled, �Up, up, and away.� The fish wouldn�t fly, puzzled why the fish were lying there, gasping for air; he put the fish back in the water. Now he had to find a new way to the top.
When he had walked for about an hour he met a man selling donkeys. �Donkeys for only 1699.00 pesos!� Yelled the man. Joe was depressed they were so much, but he needed to get to the top of the cliff. �I only have $4000.00 in American money is that enough?� asked Joe. The man leaped for joy, handed Joe the donkey and ran away singing.
Now Joe had a donkey he jumped on it and kicked it�s sides. The donkey jumped and started running up the cliff. Now Joe had made another mistake and jumped on the donkey backwards and couldn�t see a tree branch sticking out of the side of the cliff. He was hit by the branch and fell to the ground unconscious.
When he awoke he heard his name being screamed. He stood up and yelled back, �I�m alright!� A man came running towards him, it was Billy Bob. �Joe, Joe are you O.K? Why didn�t you come back up to your party?� asked Billy Bob. �Well,� answered Joe, �I was stuck down here and couldn�t get back up.� At this point Billy Bob was rolling on the ground, laughing so hard. �You only fell 5feet! You also got caught on a branch and we heard you praying! It�s a good thing you went to a catholic school for 13 years!� Billy Bob laughed.

Swat in the Head

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A friend sent me the following portion of a transcript, which was confirmed with one of the counsel involved (Ms. Olschner) and subsequently posted on Lexis Counsel Connect. The transcript is from Birmingham, Alabama, although the use of a deposition of a party opponent “for any purpose” is also in the federal rules. We have no word on what had happened immediately prior to this exchange:*The Court:* Next witness.*Ms. Olschner:* Your Honor, at this time I would like to swat Mr. Buck in the head with his client’s deposition.*The Court:* You mean read it?*Ms. Olschner:* No, sir. I mean to swat him [in] the head with it. Pursuant to Rule 32, I may use the deposition “for any purpose” and that is the purpose for which I want to use it.*The Court:* Well, it does say that.(Pause.)*The Court:* There being no objection, you may proceed.*Ms. Olschner:* Thank you, Judge Hanes.(Whereupon Ms. Olschner swatted Mr. Buck in the head with a deposition.)*Mr. Buck:* But Judge…*The Court:* Next witness.*Mr. Buck:* We object.*The Court:* Sustained. Next witness.End transcript.

Dating Terms

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LOVE AT 1st SIGHT – what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

DATING – the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don’t especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

BIRTH CONTROL – avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men or spending time around children.

EASY – a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.

EYE CONTACT – a method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many woman have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman’s eyes are not located in her chest.

FRIEND – a member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE – a woman’s feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as “playing hard to get.”

INTERESTING – a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.

IRRITATING HABIT – what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.

LAW OF RELATIVITY – how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportional to how unattractive your date is.

NYMPHOMANIAC – a man’s term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.
FRIGID – a man’s term for a woman who wants to have sex less often than he does, or who requires more foreplay than lifting her nightgown.

SOBER – condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

NAG – a man’s term for a woman who wants more to her life with him than just intercourse.

Military Intelligence

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Actual Air Force Maintenance Complaints

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.

Problem: “Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.”

Solution: “Almost replaced left inside main tire.”

Problem: “Test flight OK, except auto land very rough.”

Solution: “Auto land not installed on this aircraft.”

Problem #1: “#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid.”

Solution #1: “#2 Propeller seepage normal.”

Problem #2: “#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage.”

Problem: “The autopilot doesn’t.”

Signed off: “IT DOES NOW.”

Problem: “Something loose in cockpit.”

Solution: “Something tightened in cockpit.”

Problem: “Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear.”

Solution: “Evidence removed.”

Problem: “DME volume unbelievably loud.”

Solution: “Volume set to more believable level.”

Problem: “Dead bugs on windshield.”

Solution: “Live bugs on order.”

Problem: “Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm

descent.”

Solution: “Cannot reproduce problem on ground.”

Problem: “IFF inoperative.”

Solution: “IFF inoperative in OFF mode.”

Problem: “Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.”

Solution: “That’s what they’re there for.”

Problem: “Number three engine missing.”

Solution: “Engine found on right wing after brief search.”