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Un nuevo empleado se presenta a trabajar a la oficina y, como todo empleado nuevo, se sent�a un poco inc�modo. En el transcurso de la ma�ana, observ� que cada vez que algunos compa�eros dec�an un n�mero todos se pon�an a re�r. Curioso les pregunta:

“�Por qu� cada vez que dicen un n�mero se ponen a re�r?”

“Es que aqu� est� prohibido que contemos chistes, as� que los tenemos enumerados y cuando alguien dice un n�mero ya sabemos a que chiste se refiere y nos ponemos a re�r”.

Al d�a siguiente, sinti�ndose m�s en confianza, el nuevo empleado suelta:

“El cinco”.

Todos sus compa�eros se quedan callados; inquieto el nuevo cuestiona:

“�Por qu� no se r�en?”

“Es que vos no ten�s gracia para contar chistes”.

From an actual newspaper contest where entrants age 4 to 15 were
asked to imitate “Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey.”

“My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him
we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I
guess I should have told him the truth–that most of us go to
Hell and burn eternally–but I didn’t want to upset him.” Age 10

“When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he
better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell.” Age 5

“I once heard the voice of God. It said “Vrrrrmmmmm.” Unless it
was just a lawn mower.” Age 11

“I don’t know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I
imagine that the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the
only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the
lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and
sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and
everyone died.” Age 13

“I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I’ve found
my dog. Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already
gave away all of his stuff. Dog people sure don’t have a sense
of humor.” Age 14

“I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which
is why I don’t have any clean laundry because, come on, who
wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?” Age 15

“Whenever I start getting sad about where I am in my life, I
think about the last words of my favorite uncle: ‘A truck!'” Age
15

“It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president’s
birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would
have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or
December 26, just for the long weekends.” Age 8

“Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about
letting just any old yokel vote.” Age 10

“Home is where the house is.” Age 6

“Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my
teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number.”
Age 15

“It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an
accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed
it, the blood would be right there.” Age 5

“Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to
accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.” Age 13

“For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green
cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big
hard rock. That’s what happens to cheese when you leave it out.”
Age 6

“The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except
maybe “Don’t you think it is about time you audited my return?”
or “Isn’t it morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I
was speeding?”” Age 15

“Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had
no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it’s not like he really
needed them, right?” Age 15

“I often wonder how come John Tesh isn’t as popular a singer as
some people think he should be. Then, I remember it’s because he
sucks.” Age 15

“If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize
world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would
be…until the looting started.” Age 15

El ministro de una peque�a congregaci�n iba a comenzar el serm�n cuando not� una joven en la fila de enfrente que llevaba un vestido muy pegado y con los senos casi sali�ndosele. El hombre no se pudo concentrar en el mensaje para su reba�o, as� que dej� pasar el servicio y pidi� hablar con la mujer despu�s que los feligreses dejaron la iglesia. Ya solos, el reverendo pregunta en voz de serm�n:

“�Por qu� vienes a la iglesia vestida as�?”

“�Por qu�, reverendo? Todos mis novios me dicen que oyen �ngeles cantar cuando ponen sus cabezas sobre mis senos”.

“Humm. Bueno, d�jame revisar”, dice el reverendo mientras pone la cabeza entre los senos de la chica.

Despu�s de algunos minutos, levanta la cabeza y afirma:

“No oigo ning�n �ngel cantar”.

“Por supuesto que no, reverendo: necesita conectarse”.

En la clase, la profesora comienza a dar una clase de vocabulario:

“A ver, Pepita, decime una palabra que comience con C”.

Y antes de que aquella pudiera responder, Jaimito la interrumpe y grita:

“�Culo! �Concha!”

La maestra, conteniendo su furia contin�a:

“A ver, Raulito, una palabra con T”.

Pero antes de que aquel pudiera hablar, Jaimito interrumpi�:

“�Teta!”

La profesora, que ard�a en rabia, suspir� un momento y pens�:

“Ahora le cago a este infeliz”.

“A ver, Jaimito, decime una palabra con E”.

Y Jaimito pensaba y pensaba:

“�La puta! Una groser�a con E… Una groser�a con E…”

Finalmente responde:

“�Ah, ya s�, profe: enano!”

“�Muy bien, Jaimito!”

“�Pero con una pija as� de grande!”

There once was a man from Bandoo
Who fell asleep in a canoe
He dreamed of Venus
And played with his penis
And woke up with a hand full of goo

AP and UPI reported today that the French Government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “run” to “hide.”

The only two higher levels in France are “surrender” and “collaborate.”

The heightened alert status was precipitated by the recent fire which
destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively disabling its military.