A man’s daughter had asked

A man’s daughter had asked the local minister to come and pray with her father. When the minister arrived, he found the man lying in bed with his head proppped up on two pillows. An empty chair sat beside his bed. The minister assumed that the old fellow had been informed of his visit.

”I guess you were expecting me,” he said. ”No, who are you?” said the father. the minister told him his name and then remarked, ”I see the empty chair; I figured you knew i was going to show up.” ”Oh yea, the chair,” said the bed ridden man. ”Would you mind closing the door?” Puzzled, the minister shut the door.

”I have never told anyone this not even my daughter,” said the man, ”but all of my life i have never known how to pray. At church I used to hear the pastor talk about prayer, but it went right over my head.” ”I abandoned any attempt at prayer,” the old man continuted, ”until one day about four years ago my best friend said to me ‘Johnny, prayer is just a simple matter of having a conversation with Jesus. Here is what I suggest.”

”Sit down in a chair; place an empty chair in front of you, and in faith see Jesus on the chair. It’s not spooky, because he promised, ”I’ll be with you always.” Then just speak to him in the same way you’re doing with me. right now.” ”So, I tried it and I’ve liked it so much that I do it a couple of hours every day. I’m careful though, if my daughter saw me talking to an empty chair, she’d either have a nervous breakdown or send me off to the funny farm.”

The minister was deeply moved by the story and encouraged the old man to continue on the journey. Then he prayed with him, anointed him with oil, and returned to the church. Two nights later the daughter called to tell the minister that her Daddy had died that afternoon. ”Did he die in peace?” he asked.

”Yes, and when i left the house about two o’clock, he called me over to his bedside and told me he loved me and kissed me on the cheek. When i got back from the store an hour later, I found him dead. But there was something strange about his death.” ”Apparently just before daddy died he leaned over and rested his head on the chair beside the bed. What do you make of that?”

The minister wiped a tear from his eye and said, ”I wish we could all go like that.”

Wedding Night

Maria had just gotten married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin.

On her wedding night, staying at her mother’s house, she was nervous.

But her mother reassured her. “Don’t worry, Maria. Tony’s a good man. Go upstairs and he’ll take care of you.”

So up she went.

When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and said, “Mama, Mama, Tony’s got a big hairy chest.”

“Don’t worry, Maria,” said her mother,” all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He’ll take good care of you.”

Up she went again.

When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs.

Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother, “Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he’s got hairy legs!”

“Don’t worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony’s a good man. Go up stairs and he’ll take good care of you.”

Up she went again.

When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs.

“Mama, Mama, Tony’s got a foot and a half!”

“Stay here and stir the pasta,” said her mother.

“This is a job for Mama.”

Computer gender war!

A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. Things like ‘chalk’ or ‘pencil,’ she described, would have a gender association although in English, these words were of neutral gender.

Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, “What gender is a computer?”

The teacher wasn’t certain which it was, and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was composed of the women in the class, and the other of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Watcha Gonna Be Son?

An old man is sitting at a table with his son and his new grandson.

The old man looks at his son and asks…
“Son, have you found out what that boy of yers is gonna be yet when he grows
up?”

The man curls his eyebrows and asks “huh?”
The old man gets up and says “wait right here.”

About five minutes pass and the old man comes back with a bottle of beer, some
poker playing cards, and a bible.

The old man lines up the three items in front of the infant and looks at the
man and says:

” Ok, here’s how it works…
If the boy grabs the beer he’s gonna be a drunk.
If he grabs the cards he’s gonna be a gambler.
If he grabs the bible he’s gonna be a preacher.”

The baby stares at the items for a moment.
He then reaches out and grabs all three items.

The old man shouts…
“HOT DANG SON – HE’S A DEMOCRAT!”

Empieza a oler feo y

Empieza a oler feo y una petulante mujer exclama con tono afectado:

“�Un pun, un pun! �Qu� feo!”

Llega un qu�mico e informa:

“No, no es pun: es un aire gaseoso que se eleva a la estratosfera”.

Cuando llega un sacerdote, molesto, dice:

“No es un pun, ni un aire gaseoso: es un frijolito que acaba de morir y su alma est� subiendo al cielo”.

Entonces un poeta declara en un tono eleg�aco:

“No es pun, ni un aire gaseoso, ni un frijolito que acaba de morir: es el suspiro de una nalga enamorada”.

Un borracho pasa por ah�, y con voz tartajosa anuncia:

“No es un pun, ni un aire gaseoso, ni un frijolito que acaba de morir, ni el suspiro de una nalga enamorada: es una caca que est� pidiendo a gritos libertad”.

Brunette on the traintracks

A brunette was on some train tracks jumping up and down saying,”14, 14, 14…”

A blonde walked up and asked, “What are you doing?”

“Jumping up and down on the train tracks.”

“Can I join you?”

“Sure.” so the brunette resumed her jumping up and down with the blonde. Soon a train approached. The two continued jumping, but at the last minute, the brunette jumped out of the path of the train. The blonde was squashed.

After the train had passed, the brunette got back on the train tracks, jumping up and down saying, “15, 15, 15…”

A Yiddish Business

Mr. Finklestein makes Jesus a beautiful shroud. People see Jesus walking around in his shroud and ask where he got it. Jesus says he got it from Finklestein who made it for him. Jesus shows off his shroud to the 12 apostles and they want their own, so Finklestein makes 12 shrouds for them.

Jesus tells Finklestein they should go into business together because Finklestein is good at making shrouds and Jesus is excellent at promotion. Finkelstein agrees and says “Yes, we’ll call our business Finklestein & Jesus”.

Jesus replied “How about Jesus and Finklestein?”.

After a couple of hours of negotiating on the name of their new business, they compromised: LORD & TAYLOR

Top 10 Signs You’re Burned Out

1.You’re so tired you now answer the phone “hell”
2.Your best friend calls to ask how you’ve been and you immediately scream
“Get off by back, WITCH!”
3.Your garbage can is your “IN” box
4.You wake up to discover that your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep
because you just don’t care
5.You have so much on your mind that you’ve forgotten how to pee
6.Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday
7.You sleep more at work than you do at home
8.You leave for a party and instinctively bring your briefcase
9.Your day-timer exploded a week ago
10.You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now