Why does someone who runs marathons make a good student?Because education pays off in the long run! What is a runner’s favourite subject in school?Jog-raphy! What does Paul Inces mum make for Christmas?Ince pies!
Author: admin
Why don’t Puerto Ricans like
Why don’t Puerto Ricans like blow jobs?
They are afraid it will interfere with their unemployment benefits.
“Oye mam�, �por qu� mi
“Oye mam�, �por qu� mi pap� tiene tan poco pelo?”
“Es que tu pap� es muy inteligente y siempre est� pensando.”
“Y entonces, �por qu� t� tienes tanto pelo?”
“�C�llate y c�mete la sopa!”
You Might Be In The Medical Field if:
1. Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you
2. Your idea of a good time is a full code at shift change.
3. You find humor in other peoples stupidity.
4. You believe in aerial spraying of Pbozac
5. Your idea of comforting a child is to place him in a papoose restraint.
6. You believe that “shallow gene pool” should be a diagnosis.
7. You believe the government should require a permit to reproduce.
8. You believe Chocolate is a food group.
9. You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says,”Boy, it sure is quiet around here.
10. When you’re out in public and you compliment a stranger on their great veins.
11. You have ever referred to someone’s death as a transfer to the eternal care center. 12. You hate working nights with a full moon.
13. You don’t think a referral to Dr. Kevorkian is appropriate for this patient.
14. You have wanted to give a seminar on “SUICIDE” Doing it right the first time.
15. You have had to leave a pt’s room before you laugh uncontrollably.
16. You think coffee should be available in IV form.
17. You have ever restrained someone and it was NOT a sexual experience.
18. You believe that “too stupid to live” should be a diagnosis.
19. If you have ever referred to a Paramedic as a “Shit magnate”.
20. You believe that the waiting room should have Valium Salt Licks.
21. You have ever wanted a terrorist to deliver a Ryder truck to the lab.
22. When ordering labs the Doctor wants to order a “dumb shit” lab.
23. When you mention vegetable you aren’t talking about the food group.
24. You are totally astounded when someone from the lab speaks English.
25. You have been exposed to so many x-rays that you say, “No, I don’t have to be worried about birth control… I’ve been irradiated.”
26. Your patient states, “I have no idea how that got stuck up there.”
27. You have your weekends all marked and planned for the year.
28. You encourage an obnoxious person to sign an AMA just so you don’t have to deal with them anymore.
29. You use your status to get out of a speeding ticket.
30. You use the word GOMER in a sentence more than once a shift.
31. You have ever bet on someone’s blood alcohol level.
32. You threaten to use “the hose” if your patient won’t give a urine sample.
33. After someone tells you how many drinks they’ve had, you ask: “How big were those drinks.”
The condom joke
why do they make glow in the dark condoms?
so gay guys can play star wars at night.
Men And Lino
Here’s one for you…what do men and linoleum have in common?
If you lay them right the first time, you can walk all over them the rest of your life!
Loan care
what do you get when u mix a billygoat and a negro together……
a weed eater that doesnt work
The Legacy Of Michael Jordan
Michael Jordan used to make over $300,000 a game: $10,000 a
minute assuming he averaged about 30 minutes a game.
Assuming $40 million in endorsements next year, he was making
$178,100 a day, working or not.
Assuming he slept 7 hours per night, he made $52,000 every night
while visions of sugarplums danced in his head.
If he went to a movie, it cost him $9.00 (with a small pop), but
he made $18,550 while he was there.
If he decided to have a 5 minute egg, he made $618.00 while it
was boiling.
He made $7,415.00 per hour more than the minimum wage.
He made $3,710.00 while watching an episode of “The Jeffersons.”
If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000), it would
take him a whole 12 hours.
If someone had to hand him his salary and endorsement money,
they would have to hand him $2.00 every second.
He probably paid around $200.00 for a nice round of golf but he
was reimbursed $33,390.00 for that round.
If you were given a tenth of a penny for every dollar he made,
you’d be living comfortably at $65,000.00 per year.
Last year, he made twice as much as all of our past presidents
for all their terms combined.
Amazing isn’t it?
But: Michael will have to save 100% of all of his income coming
in for 270 years to have a net worth equivalent to that of Bill
Gates.
In lame man’s terms, or the translation is: I guess you can say
that Nerds Rule! LOL 🙂 HA HA
Animals in the Fridg
1) How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator? You open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door. 2) How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator? You open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. 3) The Lion King is hosting an animal conference, all the animals attend, except one. Which animal does not attend? The elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. 4) There is a river you must cross. But it is filled with crocodiles. How do you manage it? You swim across — all the crocodiles are attending the animal conference.
Honey I�m late
A woman sends her husband out to buy some escargot
for a dinner party that night. Instead of going
straight to the store, the husband decides to stop
at a local bar. He has a few beers, and then some
more, and pretty soon he looks at his watch and finds
he’s over an hour late for the dinner party. He
dashes to the store, picks up the escargot, and
frantically drives home. When he walks in the door
he can hear his wife coming from the kitchen. So he
takes the bag of snails and quickly throws them
all over the floor. When his wife walks into the room,
he says, “Come on guys, we’re almost there!”
Sherlock the Abuser
Doctor Watson was told by Sherlock Holmes’ gardener that there was a doubtful looking schoolgirl in Holmes’ bedroom. Watson heard strange muffled sounds coming from the bedroom and, fearing that Holmes was danger, broke down the door to find Holmes and the girl indulging in a 69.”Good God Holmes!” said Watson, “What kind of a schoolgirl is this?””Elementary, my dear Watson, Elementary.”
Important Things Learned About Life From Action Adventure Films
1. No matter what my problem is, it’s the fault of someone other than myself, and the appropriate response is to find that person and kill him with my bare hands.
2. To be truly attractive, a woman must wear high heels and an outfit so tight you can tell whether she’s cold or not from across the room.
3. There are two kinds of women in the world: One type want to go to bed with you, and the other type want to kill you. Both types are physically attractive and under 25 years old.
4. If I rudely argue with my boss in front of my coworkers, not only won’t he fire me, but he will gain a profound respect for me.
5. If I can find an important enough mission, it will supersede my obligations to perform household chores, bathe, and call the next day.
6. If I go without bathing, swear a lot, and treat women badly, they will adore me.
7. If a woman tries to clean a bullet wound and I curse in pain, she will fall in love with me.
9. If I have a prolonged fist-fight with another guy and neither of us dies, we will become best friends.
10. My archenemy will bear an uncanny resemblance in age and bearing to my father, and he will make it clear that he has gained a deep respect for me before I kill him with my bare hands.
11. When I shoot people, they will die quickly and cleanly, and I will never be arrested or troubled by their widowed wife and children. When people shoot me, however, I will at most receive a ‘flesh wound,’ which will be tended to by a beautiful woman (see #7, above).
12. I will befriend at least one black guy, if white, or one white guy, if black. If I am Latino the monster/villain will kill me halfway through the film, urging the hero to even greater levels of violence.
13. If an aged scientist is involved in any way, he will have a beautiful daughter who will gaze at me adoringly.
14. If royalty is involved, it will include a beautiful princess who will gaze at me adoringly.
15. If I have a kid partner, he will be tightly-muscled, clean-cut, and gaze at me adoringly.
16. If I am asked to compete against a world champion at any sport or game of any type, I will win. This will infuriate my opponent, who will then try to kill me.
17. If my opponent has a sidekick or henchman, he will never have a sensible name like ‘Rick,’ or ‘Steve.’
18. Beautiful women will frequently furrow their brows with concern and ask, “When’s the last time you got any sleep?” They will never ask when I last bathed or used the toilet, although I apparently never do those things either.