Q: What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?A: A drummer.
Author: admin
Not a
Not a desk person: Did not go to college.Of great value to the organization: Turns in work on time.Use all available resources: Takes office supplies home for personal use.
QUICKFIRE LAWYER GAGS
1Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips move
2Q: What is the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in
the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
3Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50?
A: Your honor.
4Q: Why won’t sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
5Q: When lawyers die, why are they buried in a hole 24 feet deep?
A: Because deep down, they are all nice guys
6Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of crap?
A: a bucket
7Q: What is the difference between God and a lawyer?
A: God doesn’t think he’s a lawyer.
8Q: What does a lawyer and a sperm have in common?
A: Both have about a one in 3 million chance of becoming a human being.
9Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A: A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
10Q: What do lawyers use as contraceptives?
A: Their personalities.
Inventions by Idiots
1) Inflatable dart board.
2) Glow-in-the-dark sunglasses.
3) A book on how to read.
4) Solar-powered flashlight.
5) Screen door on a submarine.
Farmers in the Basement
Q: What do you call a basement full of farmers?
A: A whine-cellar
This joke is fairly long but a guarenteed…
This joke is fairly long but a guarenteed laugh!
There was a young farmer who was in need of a rooster. So he head down to the local shop to buy one.
He then says to the shopkeeper: “hello mister! I am in need of a rooster. Do you have one?” The shopkeeper replies:
“Why yes I do, but around these parts we don’t call them roosters. We call them coq’s.”
The man replies: “ok, ill take one coq”
So the man is off home with his coq.
The next day the farmer heads down to the shop again. This time to buy a goat. He says to the shopkeeper like yesterday…
“Hello again! I am in need of a goat. Do you have one?” The shopkeeper replies:
“Why yes I do, but we dont call them goat’s around here. We call them pullets” The farmer is confused of the shopkeepers habits, but decides to reply kindly: “Ok I’ll take one pullet.” So the farmer is on his way home with his coq and pullet.
The very next day he goes to the very same shop to find the very same shopkeeper and he asks: “Hello once again! I am in need of a donkey, do you have one?” The shopkeeper is about to reply before the farmer butts in and says: “Don’t tell me! You call it something else around these parts!” The shopkeeper pauses for a slight seconds then replies with:
“We do have a donkey, we nicknamed it ass because it’s useless and the only one left.”
The farmer replies with: “What’s wrong with it?”
The farmer says “It randomly stops while you ride it. The only way to make it move is to scracth it behind it’s ears.” The farmer isn’t too pleased with this but since he is desperate he buys the ass.
While on the ride home on his donkey, with his coq and pullet, the ass stops. Since the farmers hands are full he asks a nearby lady this… “Lady, Please will you hold my coq and pullet while I scratch my ass?”
An Act of Charity
A wife arrived home from a shopping trip and was shocked to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband called out “Perhaps you should hear how all this came about…””I was driving home on the highway when I saw this young woman looking tired and bedraggled. I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten about in the fridge.She was bare-footed so I gave her your good sandals which you had discarded because they had gone out of style.She was cold so I gave her the sweater which I bought for you for your birthday but you never wore because the colour didn’t suit you.Her pants were torn, so I gave her a pair of your jeans, which were perfectly good, but too small for you now.Then just as she was about to leave, she asked, ‘Is there anything else your wife doesn’t use anymore ?'”
Todos los locos del manicomio
Todos los locos del manicomio se encuentran reunidos, cuando llega el orate principal que s�lo utiliza la letra e como vocal para todas las palabras y les anuncia:
“Este neche nes vemes e squeper e nes vemes e desfrezer de queremelos; se ven e pener en des secceenes: ene de chequelete e le etre de mente”.
Cuando ya est�n en la fuga llega la polic�a y grita:
“�Ea, demente!”
El loco principal le responde:
“Ne, de chequelete”.
How To Destroy All Boy Bands
How do you destroy all boy bands in one fall swoop?
Give one of ’em AIDS.
a woman telephones 999 and asks the operator…
a woman telephones 999 and asks the operator for an ambulance,the operator asks what the problem is and the woman replies that she is nine months pregnant and her waters have just broken.the operator asks where are you ringing from, from the waist down answers the woman
Y2K
President Yeltsin, President Clinton and Bill Gates are invited to have
dinner with God. During dinner He tells them: “I needed three important
people to send my message out to all the people: Tomorrow I will destroy
the Earth.”
Yeltsin immediately calls together his cabinet and announces: “I have two
really bad news items. God really exists, and tomorrow he will destroy the
earth.”
Clinton calls an emergency meeting of congress and announces: “I have good
news and bad news. The good news is God really does exist; the bad news is
tomorrow he’s destroying the Earth.”
Gates goes back to Microsoft and tells his employees: “I have two pieces of
great news. First, I am one of the three most important people on earth,
and second, I think I’ve got the Y2K problem fixed.”
Yo momma is so fat…
yo momma is so fat that when she was swiming in the river spaniards came and clamed her the new world