How is a blonde different than a 747?
Not everyone has been in a 747.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Author: admin
Government Policy: Snake Attack
The following is from the US Government Peace Corps Manual for its volunteers
who work in the Amazon Jungle. It tells what to do in case you are attacked by
an anaconda,the largest snake in the world. It is a relative of the boa
constrictor, it grows to thirty-five feet in length and weighs between three and
four hundred pounds at the maximum.
This is what the manual said:
1. If you are attacked by an anaconda, do not run. The snake is faster than
you are.
2. Lie flat on the ground. Put your arms tight against your sides, your legs
tight against one another
3. Tuck your chin in.
4. The snake will come and begin to nudge and climb over your body.
5. Do not panic
6. After the snake has examined you, it will begin to swallow you from the
feet and – always from the end. Permit the snake to swallow your feet and
ankles. Do not panic.
7. The snake will now begin to suck your legs into its body. You must lie
perfectly still. This will take a long time.
8. When the snake has reached your knees slowly and with as little movement as
possible, reach down, take your knife and very gently slide it into the side of
the snake’s mouth between the edge of its mouth and your leg, then suddenly rip
upwards, severing the snake’s head.
9. Be sure you have your knife.
10. Be sure your knife is sharp.
how are lawyers like sperm?…
how are lawyers like sperm?
One out of a million turns out to be a human being.
Do you keep Stationaries?
While vacationing in the hills of Arkansas, the big city man discovered he had no writing paper at all for his personal correspondence.He went into the small town near-by and found only an old-fashioned country store. Behind the counter was a really nice looking young lass, quite obviously a local farm girl.He asked, “Do you keep stationery?””Well,” she giggled, “I can…until I have an orgasm, then I just go plain wild and crazy!”
25 Useless things
25 useless things on a man :-
20 Nails you cannot hammer
02 Tits you cannot milk
02 Balls you cannot throw
01 Cock that cannot crow
but don’t laugh yet, for women have a pussy that cannot catch mice!
More leg-room!
Why did the blonde like the car with a sunroof?
More leg-room!
Blonde, Brunette, Redhead ordering drinks
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and ordered their drinks from the bartender.
Brunette: “I’ll have a B and C.”
Bartender:”What is a B and C?”.
Brunette: “Bourbon and Coke.”
Redhead: “And, I’ll have a G and T.”
Bartender: “What’s a G and T?”
Redhead: “Gin and tonic.”
Blonde: “I’ll have a 15.”
Bartender: “What’s a 15?”
Blonde: “7 and 7”
Drinking Signs
Signs That You’re A Heavy Drinker
1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
2. You have to hold on to the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
3. Your job starts to interfere with your drinking.
4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
5. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
6. You sincerely believe alcohol is the elusive 5th food group.
7. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Convenience, or Coincidence?
8. Two hands and just one mouth now THAT’S a drinking problem.
9. Every woman you see has an exact twin.
10. You fall off the floor.
11. Hey, 5 beers have just as many calories as a burger, so forget dinner!
12. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
13. I’m not drunk – you’re just sober!!
14. You don’t recognize your wife unless seen from the bottom of a glass.
15. You have a reserved parking space at the liquor store.
16. You’ve fallen and can’t get up!
Mexican basketball
Q. If one Mexican is playing basketball with another Mexican, what is it colled?
A. Juan on Juan
Yo Mamma is…..
Yo mamma is so fat, when school busses drive by, she yells “Twinkies”!
Yo mamma is so dumb, she wore a hard hat to Wal Mart because it said
“Watch out for falling prices!”
Yo Mamma is so poor, I saw her diggin throught TOYS R US dumpster I said
what are you doing..she said Christmas shopping.
Yo mamma is so fat, when she came out of the water..people
said..”Hey..Free Willy”
Yo mamma is so dumb, the supermarket’s sign said “Wet Floor”…so she did!
Other hand
The college professor had just finished explaining an important research
project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement
for passing his class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for
being late. Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the
student’s immediate family.
A smart-alec student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke
up. “But, what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?” As you would expect,
the class exploded in laughter. When the students had finally settled down, the
professor froze the young man with a glaring look.
“Well,” he responded, “I guess you’ll just have to learn to write with your
other hand.”
Dubya & Moses' F
George W. Bush was getting off of Airforce One in Israel, when he walked passed Moses, who didn’t seem to notice him. He turned to Moses and said, “I am George W. Bush, the President of the US of A, the most powerful nation on earth. Why didn’t you greet me?”Moses replied, “The last time I spoke to a bush, we starved for 40 days!”