A man walks into a bar and he sees a guy with a foot long liter. he asks “the man where did he get it?” the guy “replies there is a lamp by the lake rub it and the genie in it will grant you one wish.” So the man runs to the lake finds the lamp rubs it and asks for a million bucks when he gets home there is a million ducks. He goes back to the bar and told the guy what happened. The guy replies” You think I asked for a footlong bic?”
Author: admin
Business Classified Definitions
ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION:
You’ll be making under $7 an hour.
ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY:
You’ll be making under $7 an hour; we’ll be bankrupt in a year.
PROFIT-SHARING PLAN:
Once it’s shared between the higher-ups, there won’t be a profit.
COMPETITIVE SALARY:
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:
We have no time to train you; you’ll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers.
NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER:
Inc. Magazine wrote us up a few years ago, but we haven’t done anything innovative since.
IMMEDIATE OPENING:
The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We’re just now running the ad.
CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:
We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress up; although a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT:
We have a lot of turnover.
MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:
You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:
Some time each night and some time each weekend.
FLEXIBLE HOURS:
Work 40 hours; get paid for 25.
MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL
We have no quality control.
COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED:
Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like philosophy, English or religion.
CAREER-MINDED:
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
APPLY IN PERSON:
If you’re old, fat or ugly you’ll be told the position has been filled.
NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:
We’ve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:
You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:
You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD:
You whine, you’re fired.
I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS:
I’m usually on Prozac. When I’m not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.
I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION &
ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS:”
I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.
I’M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:
I’ve used Microsoft Office.
I’M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE:”
I pilfer office supplies.
MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:
I hope you don’t ask me about all the McJobs I’ve had.
I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:
I blame others for my mistakes.
I’M PERSONABLE:
I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
I’M WILLING TO RELOCATE:
As I leave San Quentin, anywhere’s better.
I’M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:
I carry a Day-Timer.
MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS:
You’re probably looking for someone more experienced.
I AM ADAPTABLE:
I’ve changed jobs a lot.
I’M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED:
The minute I find a better job. I’m outta there.
I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING:
I’m a college drop-out.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION:
Wait! Don’t throw me away!
I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON:
Like, I’m gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career.
Wage rate
Q: How many neo-classical economists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It depends on the wage rate.
Ant Eater
What’s another name for a ant eater?
An uncle.
Potato garden
An old man lived alone in Ireland. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work.
His only son, who would have helped him, was in Long Kesh Prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament.
Shortly, he received this reply, “For HEAVEN’S SAKE Dad, don’t dig up that garden, that’s where I buried the GUNS!”
At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, without finding any guns.
Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asking him what to do next.
His son’s reply was: “Now plant your potatoes, Dad; It’s the best I
could do from here.”
Est�n dos locos en un
Est�n dos locos en un manicomio.
“Cuando salgas de aqu� �qu� es lo primero que har�s?”
“Me comprar� un auto �y t�?”
“Una vaca”.
“�Ja, qu� bonito te vas a ver circulando en las calles con una vaca!”
“�Y t� te vas a ver mejor orde�ando un carro?”
Things We can Learn from a Dog
- Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joy ride.
- Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
- When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
- When it’s in your best interest, practice obedience.
- Let others know when they’ve invaded your territory.
- Take naps and stretch before rising.
- Run, romp, and play daily.
- Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.
- Be loyal.
- Never pretend to be something you’re not.
- If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
- When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by, and nuzzle them gently.
- Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
- Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
- On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
- When you’re happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
- No matter how often you’re scolded, don’t buy into the guilt thing and pout …. run right back and make friends.
- Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
Corn Hole
A truck driver had a 2 day lay-over during the St. Patrick’s Day holiday. He
was getting bored with just sitting at the truck stop cafe, so he decided to go
for a few beers. After about the 4th one, he had to use the bathroom badly. He
went into the bathroom, and he was peeing, lhe ooked into the next stall and
noticed a leprechaun whose penis was HUGE!
“Let me ask you something…how come short guys have bigger peckers than tall
guys?”
In his heavy Irish accent, the leprechaun looked up and said, “I don’t know
laddy, i’m a leprechaun”.
With that, the trucker reached out and grabbed him and said, “Well guess what?
I caught ya!”
“Aye lad, that ya did, but your wishes won’t come true until tomorrow
morning”.
The trucker was confused by this, “Why not? You’re a leprechaun, I caught ya,
so you are supposed to grant me 3 wishes.”
“Well”, began the leprechaun, “you don’t know anything about us leprechauns.
We get a day of the year off and it happens to be St. Patrick’s Day.” Well, the
trucker understanding this made his 3 wishes. He wanted to own his trucking
company, he wanted every woman he saw to desire his body and he wanted 10
million dollars in the bank, tax free. The leprechaun said it would be done in
the morning. On his way out of the restroom, the leprechaun says, “Lad, would
you like to have your wishes come true tonight?”
“Well yeah, but what’s the catch?”, came the reply. “Well, you gotta let a
leprechaun corn-hole ya.” The trucker, at first protested, but then the
leprechaun reminded him of all that he would be gaining in few precious moments.
Thinking about the money, the company becoming his and ALL those women, he
agreed but told the leprechaun not to tell anyone. When it was all over, the
leprechaun was getting ready to leave, turned to the trucker and said, “Laddy,
can I ask ya a question?”
“Sure”, says the trucker.
“How old are ya now?”
“I’m 40 years old” says the trucker.
With that, the leprechaun says, “You mean to tell me that you’re 40 years old
and still believe in leprechauns?”
Happy ever after
A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks.
The husband, although very much in love, couldn’t wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.
So, he said to his new wife, “Honey, I’ll be right back.”
“Where are you going, coochy cooh?” asked the wife.
“I’m going to the bar, pretty face. I’m going to have a beer.”
The wife said, “You want a beer, my love?” She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.
The husband didn’t know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, “Yes, lolly pop…but at the bar…you know…they have frozen glasses…”
He didn’t get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, “You want a frozen glass, puppy face?”
She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, “Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d’oeuvres that are really delicious… I won’t be long, I’ll be right back. I promise. OK?”
“You want hors d’oeuvres, poochi pooh?” She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d’oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
“But my sweet honey… at the bar… you know… there’s swearing, dirty words and all that…”
“You want dirty words, cutie pie?… “LISTEN UP, DICKHEAD! DRINK YOUR FUCKIN BEER IN YOUR DAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR MOTHERFUCKIN SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU ARE MARRIED NOW, YOU AREN’T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT, ASSHOLE?” …..
and, they lived happily ever after!
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Q: How many Torontonians
Q: How many Torontonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: Fifty-one to do it and the other forty-nine to proclaim it’s the greatest event in the history of creation, a truly world-class bulb screwing.
Blonde and 747 Difference
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a 747?
A: Not everyone has been in a
747.
“Doctor, f�jese que no puedo
“Doctor, f�jese que no puedo controlar el hacerme pip� en la cama. ya que todas las noches sue�o con un duende que viene a mi cama y me pregunta �ya hiciste pip�? y yo le respondo �no! y me dice, pues �HAZ�”
Y el Doctor le dice:
“En la noche que sue�e con el duende y le pregunte que si ya hizo pip� le dice que s�.”
A otro d�a el doctor le dice:
“�C�mo le fue con el duende?”
Y contesta:
“Muy mal, por que cuando el duende vino a mis sue�os y me pregunt� �ya hiciste pip�? le dije �s�! y me pregunt� �y popo? y le dije �No!, entonces me dijo Pues �HAZ!”