Q: How is lightning like a violist’s fingers?A: Neither one strikes in the same place twice.
Author: admin
The town was so small
The town was so small the only way to get there was on a Lionel Train.
The patient was being preped for the operation….
The patient was being preped for the operation. Suddenly there was a high
pitched scream.
The doctor looked over and barked, “Nurse, it was his spectacles I
asked you to remove!”
You might be a redneck if… women
You honest-to-God think women are turned on by animal noises and seductive
tongue gestures.
Gettng There
How do you get Pikachu onto a bus?
Pokemon (poke-him-on)
Biggest she’s seen
A man and his wife both come home looking glum..
“What’s up with you” he says…
“Never mind me, what’s up with you?” she replies
“Well …I’ve been made redundant”.
“Oh my god!….. so have I” she says. “What WILL we do?.. we’ve just taken on this HUGE mortgage!”
“Well…there’s only one thing for it… you’ll have to go on the streets until we get work” says he.
“But I’ve never been a prostitute…how will I know what to do?” she moans.
“Don’t worry” he says, “I’ll be your pimp…..get your kit on and let’s go up to Soho”.
“Now you stand on this street corner and I’ll hide in this doorway…if you need help just come and ask”.
“OK.” she says (nervous as hell but slightly excited)
A Jaguar draws up and down slides the window….”How much for full sex love?”
“Hold a minute” she says…. She hobbles round the corner in her red stilettos, basque and handbag.
“This man wants full sex” she whispers to her husband…”how much?”
“Tell him �70.” replies hubby. She hobbles back to the car….”�70 for full sex Mister.”
“Good god I can’t afford that!.. I’ve only got �30 on me and I don’t get paid ’til Friday….what will I get for �30?”
“Hang on a mo.” she says and hobbles back round the corner.
“He’s only got �30.. what can I do for that?”
“Oh…a blow job only then” says hubby “and make it quick.”
She totters back…”a blow job only.”
“Jeez” says Jaguar man…”still I’m desperate…let’s get in the back seat”
They get in the back and she undoes his fly…….out pops the BIGGEST one she’s ever seen…it’s huge!
“Oooooh!” she exclaims….”hold on a minute” she says and gets out of the car…
She hobbles round the corner and says to her husband…”Couldn’t you lend this man �40 until Friday?”
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by curtis
Drinking on the job!
Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Bud said, “Man, I wish we had something to drink!”
Jim says, “Me too. Y’know, I’ve heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?”
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed.
The next morning, Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact, he feels GREAT! No hangover! NO bad side effects, Nothing!
Then the phone rings…It’s Jim.
Jim says, “Hey, how do you feel this morning?”
Bud says, “I feel great. How about you?”
Jim says, “I feel great, too. You don’t have a hangover?”
Bud says, “No, that jet fuel is great stuff – no hangover – nothing.”
“We ought to do this more often.”
“Yeah, well, there’s just one thing….”
“What’s that?”
“Have you farted yet?”
“No…..”
“Well, DON’T – ’cause I’m in Phoenix!!!”
Ah� tienen un tipo muy
Ah� tienen un tipo muy exitoso que vio como todo lo que hab�a logrado en la vida comenzaba a desbaratarse debido a unos fuertes dolores de cabeza que le atormentaban frecuentemente. Tan grande era el dolor que decidi� buscar ayuda profesional.
Despu�s de ir de especialista en especialista encontr� un m�dico que le dijo que pod�a resolver su problema:
“La buena noticia es que le puedo curar sus dolores de cabeza. La mala es que para lograrlo debo castrarlo. No se asuste, los estudios indican que tiene una rara condici�n que provoca que sus test�culos hagan presi�n en la base de su columna y esta presi�n provoca que tenga fuertes dolores de cabeza”.
La castraci�n fue un �xito. El hombre sali� del hospital y se dio cuenta que era una persona diferente y que podr�a empezar de nuevo a vivir. Feliz de la vida, al pasar por una tienda de trajes decide comprarse uno.
Al entrar el vendedor despu�s de verlo, le dice:
“44 de largo”.
“�C�mo lo supo?”, pregunta sorprendido el eunuco.
“Ese es mi trabajo”, responde con arrogancia el vendedor.
El tipo se mide el traje y le queda a la medida.
“�Qu� tal una camisa nueva?”, sugiere el vendedor.
“Me parece bien”.
El vendedor lo observa y afirma:
“Manga 34, cuello 16”.
“Pero, �c�mo lo supo?”
“Es mi trabajo”.
Y, por supuesto, que la prenda le qued� a la perfecci�n.
“�Qu� tal un juego de ropa interior?”
El capado acepta.
“Muy bien, veamos, es usted talla 36…”
“Se equivoca, caballero, he usado talla 34 desde que ten�a 18 a�os…”
“�Usted no puede usar talla 34, porque eso provocar�a que sus test�culos hicieran presi�n en su columna, caus�ndole tremendos dolores de cabeza!”
My wife is beating me
David: My wife beats me, doctor.Doctor: Oh dear. How often?David: Every time we play Scrabble!
The names
A girl walks into the kitchen and asks her mom, mommy, why is my name Voilet?
the mom answers: because the first thing that fell on your head when you were born was a violot.
then the other girl walks into the kitchen and asks: mommy, why is my name Rose?
the mom answers and said, because the first thing that fell on your head when you were born was a Rose.
then the mom heard moaning in the other room, and she said: SHUT UP FRIDGE!
What do you call a man who died from a Viagra…
What do you call a man who died from a Viagra overdose?
A dead stiff.
Cyclones!
Why do they name cyclones after women?
Because they start off as little blow jobs and end up taking the whole house!