Q: What does a red neck call the phone company?
A: Taco Bell!
Author: admin
Timmy and Bo
There once was a boy named Timmy who had a dog named Bo. Timmy always took Bo with him every where he went and they always played together. One day, Mother called for Timmy but he did not answer. She went outside to find him and discovered that he and Bo were really outside playing together.
Morale of the story: Watch your kids and their dead beat fathers!!
This is one smart dog
A butcher is leaning on the counter toward the close of day when a dog with a basket in its jaws comes pushing through the door.”An’ wot’s this then?” he asked. The dog knocks the basket sharply into the butcher’s shins. “You dumb dog.” As he reaches down to smack the dog, he notices a note and a ten dollar bill in the basket.The scribble on the note asks for three pounds of his best mince [ground beef]. The butcher figures this is too easy. He goes to the window and reaches for the dried up stuff that’s been sitting out all day.The dog growls at him. The butcher turns around and, glaring at the pup, gets the best mince from the fridge. Weighing out about 2 1/2 pounds, he drops in on the scale with his thumb.”Hmmmmm, a bit shy. Who’ll know?”Again, the dog growls menacingly. “Alright, alright,” as he throws on a generous half pound. He wraps it out, drops it in the basket, and drops in change from a five. The dog threatens to chew him off at the ankles. Another five goes in the basket.The butcher is quite impressed and decides to follow the piddy pup home. The dog quickly enters a high-rise buildings, pushes the lift button, enters the lift, and then pushes the button for the 12th floor. The dog walks down the corridor and smartly bangs the basket on the door. The door opens, and the dog’s owner screams at the dog.”Hey, what are you doing? That’s a really smart dog you’ve got there,” comments the butcher.”He’s a stupid dog–that’s the third time this week he’s forgotten his key.
Getting The Ticket
Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. “How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asks an accountant.
“Watch and you’ll see,” answers an engineer.
They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, “Ticket, please.” The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don’t buy a ticket at all.
“How are you going to travel without a ticket?” says one perplexed accountant. “Watch and you’ll see,” answers an engineer.
When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.
Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, “Ticket, please.”
You might be a redneck if…sideburns
You grow your sideburns longer and fuller because it looks so good on your
sister.
Are These My Brains?
A three year old little boy was examining his testicles while taking a
bath.
“Mama,” he asked, “Are these my brains?”
Mama answered, “Not yet……..”
Managed Friendship Plan
Managed Friendship Plan
Welcome to Managed Friendship, a whole new way of thinking about
friends and relationships. The Managed Friendship Plan (MFP) combines
all the advantages of a traditional friendship network with important
cost-saving features.
How Does It Work?
Under the Plan, you choose your friends from a network of pre-screened
accredited Friendship Providers (FPs). All your friendship needs are
met by members of your Managed Friendship Staff.
What’s Wrong with my Current Friends?
If you’re like most people, you are receiving friendship services from
a network of providers haphazardly patched together from your old
neighborhoods, jobs, and schools. The result is often costly
duplication, inefficiency, and conflict. Many of your current friends
may not meet national standards, responding to your needs with
inappropriate, outmoded,or even experimental acts of friendship.
Under Managed Friendship, your friendship needs are coordinated by
your designated Best Friend, who will ensure the quality and goodness
of fit of all your friendly relationships.
How Do I Know That the Plan’s Panel of Friends Is Not Made Up of a Bunch
of Losers Who Can’t Make Friends on Their Own?
Many of today’s most dedicated and highly trained Friendship Providers
are as concerned as we are about delivering Quality Friendship in a
cost-effective manner. They have joined our network because they want
to focus on acting like a friend rather than doing the paperwork and
paying the high bad-friendship premiums that have caused the cost of
traditional friendship to skyrocket. Our Friendship Providers have
met our rigorous standards of companionship and loyalty.
What If I Need a Special Friend, Say, for Poker or Fishing?
Special Friends are responsible for most of the unnecessary and
expensive activities that burden already costly relationships. Under
the Managed Friendship Plan, your Best Friend is qualified to
pre-approve your referral to a Special Friend within the Managed
Friendship Network should your needs fall outside of the scope of
his/her friendship.
Suppose I Want to See Friends Outside the Managed Friendship Network?
You may make friends outside of the Managed Friendship Network only in
the event of a Friendship Emergency.
What is a Friendship Emergency?
The Managed Friendship Plan covers your friendship needs 24 hours a
day, 365 days a year, even if you need a friend out of town, after
regular business hours, or when your Best Friend is with someone else.
You might be on a business trip, for instance, and suddenly find that
you feel lonely. In such cases, you may make a New Friend, and all
approved friendly activities will be covered under the Plan, provided
you notify the Managed Friendship Office (or 24-hour Friendship
Hotline) within two business days.
What Friendly Activities Are Covered Under the Plan?
Friendly Activities that are typically covered include:
* Agreeing with you
* Appearing sympathetic
* Chewing the fat
* Dropping by
* Feeling your pain
* Gossiping
* Hanging out
* Holding your hand (up to 5 minutes per activity)*
* Joshing
* Kidding around
* Listening to you whine
* Partying
* Passing the time
* Patting your back
* Ribbing
* Sharing a meal
* Shooting the breeze
* Slinging the bull
* Teasing (up to 15 minutes under the Premium Gold Friendship Plan)
What Friendly Activities Are Not Covered Under the Plan?
Activities that would not be pre-approved include (but are not limited to):
* Bar hopping
* Bending over backwards
* Drinking to excess
* Giving a hoot
* Going the extra mile
* Lending money
* Real empathy
* Truly caring
* Using illicit drugs
How Can I Find Out More About the Managed Friendship Plan?
A simple call is all it takes. If you need a friend, just call our
toll-free number. Or visit our web site. Sign up for the Managed
Friendship Plan and rest easier that all of your appropriate
friendship needs will be met.
Who Decides What’s Appropriate for Me?
We do. Isn’t that what friends are for?
Blond math
Q. How do you teach a blond math?
A. Subtract her clothes, divide her legs, and square root her.
10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten
husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband,
“Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.”
“What?” said the puzzled groom. “How can that be if you’ve been
married ten times?”
“Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me
how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure
how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it
and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked
out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the
order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but
wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new
state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he
knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he
was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about
it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was… God! I
miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!”
“Good,” said the new husband, “but, why?”
“You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!”
“taxi, taxi”
your mammas so fat,that when she puts on a yellow rain coat people yell taxi taxi!
Show respect for age. Drink good Scotch for…
Show respect for age. Drink good Scotch for a change.
Yard Sale
A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice neighborhood. Suddenly he realized there was a couple making love out on the lawn. Then he noticed another couple over behind a tree. Then another couple behind some bushes by the house. He walked up to the door of the house, and knocked.
A well-dressed woman answered the door, and the man asked what kind of a place this was. “This is a brothel” replied the madam.
“Well, what’s all this out on the lawn?” queried the man.
“Oh, we’re having a yard sale today.”