Q: What is the difference between TV characters Dan and Roseanne Conner and the Clintons?A: The Conners own their own home.
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Powerful liquid
A preacher was walking along a street when he noticed a small boy sitting on the curb.
The boy had a bottle of liquid and seemed fascinated with it.
The preacher was curious as to what was in the bottle, so he asked the boy what was in the bottle.
The little boy looked up to the preacher and says, “Preacher, what I have here is the most powerful liquid in the world. This is a bottle of turpentine!”
The preacher smiled and shook his head and said “No, no my child, you are wrong. The most powerful liquid in the world is Holy water, for if you would rub a little Holy water on a pregnant woman’s belly, she will pass a baby boy!”
The little boy just grinned and replied, “Damn preacher, that aint nothing. If you was to rub a little of this turpentine on a cat’s ass, it will PASS a motorcycle.”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Life Happens
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was
trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
“Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all
grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer; she’s a lawyer, or that’s
Michael; he’s a doctor.'”
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, “And there’s the
teacher; she’s dead.”
overweight plane
A plane has to many people in it and it is going to crash if
some people wont jump out. The thing is there are no
parachutes left. The captain says, “Hello passengers. I dont
know how to say this so i’ll just say it. We need
3 people to jump out of this plane.” The first person to
volunteer is an English man. He says, “Remember England
and the great Queen!” and jumps out of the plane. The next
person to volunteer is a Frenchman. He says,
“Remember France and the great Eiffel Tower!” and jumps out of
the plane. The last person to volenteer is an
American man. Before he jumps out of the plane he says,
“Remember the Alamo!” and throws a Mexican out of the
plane.
Seeing a child in need
One afternoon a little boy was playing outdoors. He used his mother’s broom as a horse and had a wonderful time until it was getting dark.He left the broom on the back porch. His mother was cleaning up the kitchen when she realized that her broom was missing. She asked the little boy about the broom and he told her where it was.She then asked him to please go get it. The little boy informed his mom that he was afraid of the dark and didn’t want to go out to get the broom.His mother smiled and said ‘The Lord is out there too, don’t be afraid’. The little boy opened the back door a little and said ‘Lord if you’re out there, hand me the broom’.
two men on a desert
two men were shipwrecked on a desert island inhabited by canibals, the cheif said that he was a fair man, and that he wouldnt eat the men if they went into the rainforest and brought out a wheelbarrow of his favourite fruit, the first man came out with grapes, and the cheif said sorry, but i will give you one more chance, if you can push all of those up your bum without laughing, i will let you go. the man gets to the last one and bursts out laughing, the cheif asks him why he started laughing, the man replied, “i just saw my mate and he has a barrow full of coconuts!”
Only when drunk
A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer. The following exchange takes place…
Man: ‘What’s the problem officer?’
Officer: ‘You were going at least 75 in a 50 zone.’
Man: ‘No sir. I was going 65. ‘
Wife: ‘Oh. Harry. You were going 80. ‘
The man gives the wife a dirty look.
Officer: ‘I’m also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light. ‘
Man: ‘Broken tail light? I didn’t know about a broken tail light!’
Wife: ‘Oh Harry, you’ve known about that tail light for weeks.’
Man gives his wife a dirty look.
Officer: ‘I’m also going to give you a ticket for not wearing your seat belt.’
Man: ‘Oh, I just look it off when you were walking up to the car’
Wife: ‘Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt.’
Man: ‘Shut your big bloody mouth, OK!’
Officer: ‘Ma’am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time.’
Wife: ‘No, only when he’s drunk.’
Reasons why Motorcycles are Better than Women
- Motorcycles only need their fluids changed every 2,000 miles.
- Motorcycles’ curves never sag.
- Motorcycles last longer.
- Motorcycles don’t get pregnant.
- You can ride a Motorcycle any time of the month.
- Motorcycles don’t have parents.
- Motorcycles don’t whine unless something is really wrong.
- You can kick your Motorcycle to wake it up.
- You can share your Motorcycle with your friends.
- If your Motorcycle makes too much noise, you can buy a muffler.
- You only need to get a new chain or belt for your Motorcycle when the old one is really worn.
- If your Motorcycle smokes, you can do something about it.
- Motorcycles don’t care about how many other Motorcycles you have ridden.
- When riding, you and your Motorcycle both arrive at the same time.
- Motorcycles don’t care about how many other Motorcycles you have.
- Motorcycles don’t mind if you look at other Motorcycles, or if you buy Motorcycle magazines.
- New Motorcycles must be asked for, and if you don’t want to pay for them, you don’t get them.
- If your Motorcycle goes flat, you can fix it.
- If your Motorcycle is too loose, you can tighten it.
- If your Motorcycle is too soft, you can get different shocks.
- If your Motorcycle is misaligned, you don’t have to discuss politics to correct it.
- You can have a beer while riding your Motorcycle.
- You can have a black Motorcycle and show it to your parents.
- You don’t have to be jealous of the guy that works on your Motorcycle.
- You don’t have to deal with priests or blood-tests to register your Motorcycle.
- You don’t have to convince your Motorcycle that you’re a motorcyclist and that you think that Motorcycles are equals.
- If you say bad things to your Motorcycles, you don’t have to apologize before you can ride it again.
- You can ride a Motorcycle as long as you want and it won’t get sore.
- Your parents don’t remain in touch with your old Motorcycle after you dump it.
- Motorcycles always feel like going for a ride.
- Motorcycles don’t insult you if you are a bad rider.
- Your Motorcycle never wants a night out alone with the other Motorcycles.
- Motorcycles don’t care if you are late.
- You don’t have to take a shower before riding your Motorcycle.
- It’s always ok to use tie downs on your Motorcycle.
- If your Motorcycle doesn’t look good, you can paint it or get better parts.
- You can’t get diseases from a Motorcycle you don’t know very well.
The blonde and the screen door
What does a blonde and a screen door have in common?
The more you bang em’ the looser they get.
Light and a Blonde
has does a blonde have safe sex? She locks the car door
Screw the Irish!
Story goes that one of the Clancy Brothers of folk music fame was walking through Chicago when he comes across an Irish bar. He poked his head in and, seeing a large crowd yells, “Screw the Irish!”
All heads turned, and you could have heard a pin drop. He looks at the crowd and says, “I’m Irish, I’m just looking!”
Installing Carpet
A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he’d lost his cigarettes.
In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump.
”No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes,” he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump.
As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. ”Here,” she said, handling him his pack of cigarettes. ”I found them in the hallway.”
”Now,” she said, ”if only I could find my parakeet.”