Q. What has one hundred balls and screws old ladies?
A. Bingo.
Author: admin
Give up drugs
Monday, two boys were in court after doing their community service for vandalism charges, and the judge said to the first one, “How did you do over the weekend?””Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.””17 people? That’s wonderful. What did you tell them?””I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs.””That’s admirable,” said the judge. “And you, how did you do?” (to the 2nd boy)”Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever.””156 people! That’s amazing! How did you manage to do that!””Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles) I said (pointing to small circle) this is your asshole before prison….. and (pointing to the large circle) this is your asshole after prison.
Una ara�a estuvo toda la
Una ara�a estuvo toda la ma�ana ech�ndose perfume. Por la tarde segu�a ech�ndose perfume y toda la noche continu� igual. En eso se acerca otra ara�a y le pregunta intrigada:
“Eh, t�, �por qu� todo el d�a has estado unt�ndote loci�n?”
“Por si las moscas…”
Baptists and Beer
Q: Why should you never ask one Baptist over to watch football with you, but instead always invite two?
A: Invite one, he’ll drink all your beer.
Invite two and neither of them will drink a drop!
Mailman again
One night little Johnny got up to get a drink of water…. while walking past his parents he was forced to stop and scream daddy daddy what are you doing to mommy.
The dad simply replied mmmm� just making your brother Johnny �..go back to bed.
The next day when the dad got home from work he found Johnny crying on the stoop ….he asked Johnny what was wrong and Johnny replied oh daddy this morning I saw the mailman trying to eat my new brother
The Pleasure of Translation
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speeches to the
Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience. The
Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing
first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman
ask him what he was doing. “Well” he explained” By rubbing my chest I indicated
breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus
Gentlemen. So my speech started: Ladies and Gentlemen”.
On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I’ll go one better
than that English bastard and started his speech by making an antler symbol with
his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin. When he
finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. “Well” he explained” By
imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech
by saying Deer Ladies and Gentlemen”.
On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself I’ll go one
further than those mainland bastards and started his speech by making an antler
symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then
masturbating furiously. When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was
doing. “Well” he explained,” by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my
groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying Deer Ladies and
Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure…
Up in Heaven
A petty thief, a teacher and a lawyer die and go to heaven.
When they get there they are stopped by St. Peter, who then says, “Sorry, heaven’s crowding up, so you need to answer a question correctly, or else you can’t get in.”
He looks at the teacher, and asks her: “What was the name of the famous ocean-liner that sank after hitting an iceberg?”
“Oh, that’s easy,” the teacher replied, “the Titanic.” So St. Peter let her into heaven.
Next he turned to the petty thief. “How many people died on that ship?” St. Peter asked. “Oooh, that’s tough, but I saw the movie, and it was 1,500.” St. Peter stepped away and the thief walked into heaven.
Finally, St. Peter turned to the lawyer.
He simply said to him: “Name them.”
C’mere Pig
What do you get when you cross a lawyer and a pig?
Nothing. There are some things even a pig won’t do!
The Old Lady!
One day a guy walks into a bar and sees this jar of money, so he goes up to the bartender and asked him what it was for he says well where having a contest. You see that guy over there you have to tap him on the shoulder and knock him out in one punch. The guy says I can do that. Then he says next you have to go in that cage over there and there is a dog in there he has all the rabies in the world you have to pull out three of his teeth.He says I can do that. Then the bartender says next you have to FUCK that old lady over there, the man syas no I won’t do that. He has a couple of beers then puts his money in the jar and then taps the guy on the shoulder and knocks him out in one punch. hen goes in the cage and comes out 3 minutes later and says where is the old lyady that needs her teeth pulled.
Sexist Joke 4 Men
Two buddies are bull-shiting over a few beers when one of them says something that would be considered a Freudian slip. He also recalls his the last slip he had where he asked the gorgeous big breasted travel agent for two “Pickets to Titsburgh”.His buddy says, yeah I know what you mean, last week while at breakfast with my wife, I meant to say, “honey please pass the milk”. But what came out of my mouth was, “You Fucking Bitch, you ruined my Life”.
Una mujer de California llega
Una mujer de California llega a M�xico; a los pocos d�as le manda un telegrama a su esposo:
“Suplico enviarme papeles de divorcio. Encontr� compa�ero ideal que re�ne las caracter�sticas del Ford Fiesta 2001”.
El esposo, extra�ado, acude a la agencia de veh�culos m�s cercana para observar de cerca las particularidades del Ford Fiesta 2001. El vendedor le explica:
“Tiene mayor empuje; el eje es m�s largo; la lubricaci�n es constante y tiene un sistema de seguridad que permite que se pare cuando sea, donde sea y como sea”.
Con esa descripci�n, el desafortunado marido pudo comprender los deseos de su esposa y lo �nico que le qued� fue buscar una nueva compa�era de vida.
A las pocas semanas el hombre le contesta a la ‘ex’ envi�ndole un paquete y un recado:
“Te env�o papeles de divorcio. Encontr� compa�era que re�ne las caracter�sticas de la camioneta Jeep 2001”.
La mujer, un tanto confundida, va a la agencia de veh�culos e indaga acerca de las caracter�sticas de esa camioneta. El vendedor le informa:
“Es m�s resistente; tiene mayor compresi�n; no se sobrecalienta; dura m�s sin aflojarse; es m�s c�moda en su interior; no ruge cuando se le mete la palanca; su escape es m�s silencioso; no le papalotea el carburador; no bota aceite por el diferencial y, por si fuera poco, trabaja con las dos tracciones…”
Cow
What do you call a cow laying on the ground
Ground beef