One day, a man had an accident at work, which resulted in him getting his eye gouged out. He was rushed to hospital, and, after awaking from an emergency operation, was told by the doctor that he’d been given a glass eye. The man looked in the mirror to see the result, and was shocked to see that, whereas his original eye colour was blue, his new glass eye was brown. The man was outraged. ”I can’t walk around like this!!””Sir,” the doctor said, “there is a severe shortage on blue eyes. We had to give you a brown one. If somehow you can get hold of a blue eye, and bring it here to the hospital, we will happily fit it for you.” A few weeks later, the man was driving home from work late one night during a big storm. Suddenly, the car in front of him lost control and skidded off the road before finally hitting a tree. The man screeched to a halt, and ran down the embankment to see if he could help. He found the driver of the car sprawled out over the wreckage, dead as a doornail…with a blue glass eye! As it was so late at night and during such a big storm, no one was about. So the man proceeded to get a screwdriver and removed one of the deceased man’s blue eyes, replacing it with his brown glass eye. He raced down to the local hospital to have the replacement blue eye fitted. A few days later, the man was driving along the same stretch of road when he saw the police examining the crash scene and towing the car wreck away. Concerned to find out if the police were on to him, the man decided to go over to try and see if the police had any leads. ”Excuse me, sir,” said the policeman.”Do you know anything about this at all?””No, constable”, said the man.”Well, we can’t figure this out. Somehow, this bloke managed to drive 40 miles with two glass eyes!”
Author: admin
Work Thoughts
Things You’d Love to Say at Work, But Can’t…
1. I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of shit.
2. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to
pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate
yourself in public.
5. I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to
worship me.
6. I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
7. I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message…
8. I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a word you’re
saying.
10. Ahhh…I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again…
11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t give a damn.
14. I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about
you.
16. Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique
point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an
artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely
coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.
21. It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn
off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely
ceremonial.
23. And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be…?
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33. Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted
paychecks
Urine Resample
A young woman was in the hospital, recovering from major surgery. She hated being stuck in the tiny little room all day and to make matters worse, the daily routine was starting to get to her. Every morning, for example, the nurse would bring her breakfast (which always consisted of an egg, piece of toast, and glass of apple juice). She would then return a little bit later to empty the urine bottle. And so it continued…
Finally, one morning, she decided to have a little fun. She ate the eggs and the toast, but went to the bathroom where she cleaned the urine bottle out, then poured the apple juice into it. When the nurse returned later that morning, he took a look at the bottle and a frown came over his face.
“Obviously, you enjoyed your breakfast, but something must be wrong because this looks a little cloudy,” he said, pointing to the urine bottle.
“Oh, really?” she replied, picking up the bottle in question and putting it to her lips. “In that case, we’d better run it through again…”
British Left Waffles on Falkland
British Left Waffles on Falkland islands Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms Eye Drops off Shelf Teacher Strikes Idle Kids Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Riddle: IQ and Football
What has eight arms and an I.Q. of 60?
Four guys watching a football game.
Funny
why cant polar bears eat penguins?
because they cant get the wrappers off!
I know somewere inside of me there is a sober…
I know somewere inside of me there is a sober man trying to get out.
A six pack usually shuts him up.
Three bachelors
Three bachelors were kidding Lou, the married man among them.
“You’ve been hitched five years now, Lou, how come you have no children?” asked one of them. Then trying to make a bad pun he added, “is your wife UNBEARABLE?”
“Or,” said another guy, “is she INCONCEIVABLE?”
“Maybe she’s IMPREGNABLE” joked the third man.
“No, boys you’re all wrong,” lamented Lou. “My wife is INSURMOUNTABLE and INSCRUTABLE!”
Overpopulation
Two country doctors out in the hills of West Virginia were discussing the population explosion in the world.
One physician says, “Why, Bubba, thiseyer crazy birth thang isa gettin’ so bad that perty soon, they ain’t gonna be room for ever’body! There’sa gonna be standin’ room only on this here planet!”
The other doctor replied, “Heck, that sure oughta slow ’em down a bit!”
Q: How many Oregonians
Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: Six. One to screw in the lightbulb and five to fend off all those Californians trying to share the experience.
En una clase mixta el
En una clase mixta el maestro pregunta a sus alumnos qu� quieren hacer de mayores:
“Dime, Roberto.”
“Ingeniero, se�or. �Y t�, Carlos?”
“Fontanero.”
“�Clara, y t�?”
“Yo quiero ser mam�. Muy bien, Clara, �y t�, Jaimito?”
“Yo… �yo quiero ayudar a Clara a que sea mam�!”
Un d�a se acerca una
Un d�a se acerca una joven al confesionario y dice:
“Padre, confi�some porque he pecado”.
“A ver hija, �qu� te ha pasado?”
“Padre, ayer me he acostado con el cura de la parroquia vecina”.
“Muy mal hecho, hija, muy mal, porque t� perteneces a �sta”.