The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of someone he can blame it on.
Author: admin
Bush and Polly
Why doesn’t george w. bush eat parrots?A little thing called cannibalism.
Official Diagnosis
The man told his doctor that he wasn’t able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, “Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me.”
“Well, in plain English,” the doctor replied, “you’re just lazy.”
“Okay,” said the man. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”
Clinton’s Back!
Knock Knock……….
Who’s there?
Monica……..
Monica Who?
Very good Mr. President just like we practiced! Now lets go to
that Press Meeting.
Tali-ban
there is a deodorant called (tali) ban. because YOU are a
stinking terrorist!
it is Osama strength, and comes in a new goat scent. made for
camels, but fit for an asshole.
Punchlines With Absolutely No Context
�No, no, no!� said the penguin, �I suffer from Seasonal
Affective Disorder!�
�Surprise! Surprise! That�s not my ear canal either!�
Oh no! The leak is coming from the Global Positioning
Satellite System again!
�Mommy Mommy,� Little Johnny replied, �is that why the
souffl� is burnt?�
�Tokyo?� Said the nun, �You fool, I said take the hoe!�
And then my dad farted and it smelled and I said to my
father you farted and it smelled.
And slowly, the sheep turned to each other and glared
silently.
�Whew!� said the blonde, �I thought you meant the vacuum-
insulated sealable container with the heat reflective inner
surface!�
�No wait, you don�t understand,� said the fat man, �Pop
Tarts are a substitute for my mother�s love!�
As they opened the door they realized they were terribly
mistaken. The dog was only taking a nap.
�Yeah,� said the Scottsman, �but at least I don�t have a
scented hand soap named after ME!�
As she spoke he whirled the egg beater around and
yelled �EGG BEATER!�
�Isotope?� He replied, �That�s no isotope!�
El que r�e al �ltimo,
El que r�e al �ltimo, piensa m�s lento.
Todo el mundo tiene memoria fotogr�fica. Algunos no tienen rollo.
Un d�a sin luz solar es como… bueno, la noche.
El cambio es inevitable, siempre que no estemos hablando de una m�quina de refrescos.
Me perd� en mis pensamientos. Era territorio desconocido para m�.
Lo he visto todo, lo he hecho todo, no puedo recordar casi nada.
Aquellos que viven por la espada son disparados por los que no.
Me siento diagonalmente parqueado en un universo paralelo.
�l no est� muerto: est� electroencefalogr�ficamente retrasado.
Me pregunto qu� tan profundo ser�a el oc�ano sin esponjas.
Toca la bocina si amas la paz y tranquilidad.
A pesar del costo de la vida, �has notado como permanece tan popular?
Nada es a prueba de tontos para un tonto suficientemente talentoso.
Es dif�cil entender como un cementerio sube los precios por enterrar y culpa al costo de la vida.
La regla 50-50-90: Todo el mundo que tiene un 50 por ciento de probabilidades de conseguir algo tiene un 90 por ciento de no conseguirlo.
Se dice que si alineas todos los carros en el mundo, uno detr�s de otro, siempre aparecer� alguien suficientemente est�pido para tratar de rebasar.
No puedes tenerlo todo. �D�nde lo pondr�as?
La �ltima encuesta muestra que 3 de cada 4 personas compone el 75% de la poblaci�n mundial.
Las cosas que llegan a aquellos que esperan deben ser las que dejaron aquellos que llegaron primero.
Una multa es un impuesto por hacer lo incorrecto. Un impuesto es una multa por hacer lo correcto.
Se descubri� recientemente que los investigadores causan c�ncer en las ratas.
Todo el mundo miente, pero no importa, ya que nadie escucha.
Yo comenc� con nada y todav�a me queda la mayor�a.
La luz viaja m�s r�pido que el sonido. Por esta raz�n algunas personas aparentan ser brillantes hasta que las oyes hablar.
Long and Pink
“Today in class”, said Mrs. Johnson the kindergarten teacher.
“Were going to play a guessing game”.
“Ok here we go, its a fruit, its yellow, and tastes good”.
Little Susie raised her hand. “its a lemon!” “No I’m sorry its a
banana but I’m glad to se your thinking”
“Next one, its red, a fruit, grows on trees “. “Its a ball, “No
its a apple but I’m glad to see your thinking”.
Little Johnny stands up and says “I got one, ok it long and
hard, has a pink tip and is in my pocket.” “JOHNNY!” “That’s
inappropriate.”
“It’s a pencil but I’m glad to see your thinking.”
I’m Moving Out!
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.
He says,”What are you doing?”
She answers, “I’m moving to Las Vegas. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free!”
Later that night on her way out the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he’s going, he replies…
“I’m going to Vegas too. I want to see you live on $800 a year!”
Parrot
A man suspects his wife is having an affair, so he goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. Not having much money he chooses a male parrot with one leg.
He takes the bird home and ties its penis to the perch in the bird cage to allow it to stand.
“When I go to work you keep an eye on my wife and tell me what happens” the man told his parrot.
When the man returns from work later that day, he asks the parrot if
anything happened when he was out.
“Well” said the parrot, “the milkman came to the door”.
“Then?” demanded the man.
“Your wife went to the door.”
“Then??”
“She let him in.”
“Then what?”
“They started making out in the living room.”
“Then what?” cried the exasperated man.
“Then I got a hard-on and fell off the perch!”
Submitted by Admin
Edited by Curtis
Now, Be Nice
Two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a New York
City
subway when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change.
Frank
adamantly rejects the man in disgust. Matt, on the other hand,
whips
out his wallet, pulls out a couple of dollar bills and gladly
hands
them over to the beggar with a smile.
The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the other
passengers.
Frank is outraged by his friend’s act of generosity. “What on
earth
did you do that for?” shouts Frank. “You know he’s only going
to use
it on drugs or booze!!!”
Matt replies, “What…and we weren’t?”
Q. What has seventy-five balls
Q. What has seventy-five balls and screws old ladies?
A. Bingo!