Why do so few men end up in heaven?
They never stop to ask for directions.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Author: admin
U-Boat
A couple was touring a shipyard area in a coastal city of Italy when they saw a strange looking craft. They stopped and asked a worker, “Sir, is that a U-boat?
“No,” he replied, shesa belonga to da goverment.”
Una chica va a confesarse.
Una chica va a confesarse. “Pues ver�, me acuso de que… bueno… es que mi novio es un hijo de puta y el otro d�a…”
El cura la interrumpe y dice: “�Pero chica ! �Como llamas hijo de puta a tu novio! �Que os ha pasado?”
“Pues es que el otro d�a me cogi� la mano.”
El cura la coge la mano y la dice: “Pero mira, yo tambi�n te cojo la mano y no soy ning�n hijo de puta.”
“Si, bueno… pero es que mi novio despu�s me toc� las tetas.”
El cura la toca las tetas y la dice: “Mira, yo te estoy tocando las tetas pero no soy un hijo de puta.”
“S�, pero es que mi novio adem�s me hizo el amor.”
El cura se la tira y luego la dice: “Pues mira, yo tambi�n te he hecho el amor y no soy ning�n hijo de puta.”
“S�, pero es que mi novio tiene el SIDA.”
“!!!Que hijo de puta!!!”
Three Chickens
There’s three chickens a really smart one, a kind of smart one,
and a dumb one we’re talking really dumb. The smart one yells
“Cockadoodledo.” The kind of smart one yells “Cockadoo.” The
dumb one yells “Any cock will do.”
ER
Here are some highlights of ER admissions to Chicago General over the past year:
– A 28-year old male was brought into the ER after an attempted suicide. The man had swallowed several nitroglycerin pills and a fifth of vodka. When asked about the bruises about his head and chest he said that they were from him ramming himself into the wall in an attempt to make the nitroglycerin explode.
– A woman with shortness on breath and who weighted approximately 500 lbs was dragged into the ER on a tarp by six firemen. While trying to undress the lady, an asthma inhaler fell out of one of the folds under her arm. After an X-ray showed a round mass on the left side of her chest her massive left breast was lifted to find a shiny new dime. And last, but not least– during a pelvic exam a TV remote control was discovered in one of the folds of her crotch. She became known as “The Human Couch”.
– The most nonemergent ER visit: A male adolescent came in at 2 a.m. with a complaint of belly button lint.
– A 92-year old woman had a full cardiac arrest at home and was rushed to the hospital. After 30 minutes of unsuccessful resuscitation attempts the old lady was pronounced dead. The doctor went to tell the lady’s 78-year old daughter that her mother didn’t make it. “Didn’t make it? Where could they be? She left in the ambulance forty-five minutes ago!”
– A 15-year old boy was laying on a stretcher with his mother sitting next to him. The boy was coming down from “crank” (methamphetamine) that he had injected into his veins with needles he had been sharing with his friends. Concerned about this the doctor asked the boy if there was anything he might have been doing that put him at risk for AIDS. The boy thought for a while then said questioningly “You mean like having sex with our dog?”
– A 19-year old female was asked why she was in the ER. She said that she and her boyfriend were having sex and the condom came off and she wasn’t able to retrieve it with her fingers. She went to the bathroom and “gagged myself to vomit but couldn’t vomit it up either.”
Obey the speed limit
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer see’s a car puttering along at 22 MPH.He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!”So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back, wide eyed and white as ghosts.The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?””Ma’am,” the officer replies, “You weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.””Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly twenty-two miles an hour!” the old woman says a bit proudly.The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that “22” was the route number, not the speed limit.A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.”But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask… Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time,” the officer asks.”Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 142.”
Hypochondria is the one disease
Hypochondria is the one disease I have not got.
The parrot
A JAMAICAN WALKS INTO THE DOCTORS WITH A PARROT ON HIS HEAD,THE DOCTOR SAYS CAN I HELP YOU AND THE PARROT SAYS CAN YOU GET THIS BLACKHEAD OFF MY FOOT.
I wouldn’t
I wouldn’t be caught dead with a necrophiliac. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now. I won’t rise to the occasion, but I’ll slide over to it. Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it. Where there’s a will, I want to be in it. Okay, who put a “stop payment” on my reality check? Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs. We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
Golden Night Drinkin
A man went out drinking with his friends and came home the next morning to find his wife waiting for him. He apologized for worrying her but proceeded to tell her that he had been in the most elegant bar in the world! “Everything was gold.. the carpets, the glasses, the cutlery, the curtains and even the urinal. Here… I have a book of matches in my pocket. Phone if you don’t believe me.”
The incredulous wife did just that and asked the manager, “Is everything in your establishment really gold?”
“Yes,” he replied, “everything is gold colored.”
“Even the urinal?” she queried.
The manager put his hand over the phone and said to his bartender, “This is the wife of that guy who relieved himself in the tuba last night.”
Un vieja solterona llama a
Un vieja solterona llama a la oficina de un abogado y le dice a la recepcionista que quiere hablar con un abogado acerca de preparar un testamento. La recepcionista le sugiere hacer una cita para que acuda a la oficina a ver al abogado. Compungida, la mujer explica:
“Tiene que entender, se�orita, que yo he vivido sola casi toda mi vida; raramente le veo la cara a alguien y no me gusta salir de mi casa. �Hay alguna posibilidad que el abogado venga ac�?”
La chica de la recepci�n habla con el abogado y �ste acepta entrevistarse en la casa de la solterona. Cuando el abogado llega a la casa de la mujer, su primer pregunta fue:
“�Cu�les son sus propiedades y c�mo desea distribuirlos en el testamento?”
“Aparte de los muebles y los artefactos el�ctricos que usted ve aqu�, tengo una cuenta de ahorros de US$ 50,000”.
“�Y qu� piensa hacer con el dinero?”, le cuestiona el joven abogado.
“Bueno, como ya les expliqu�, yo he vivido una vida muy recluida. La gente del barrio no saben ni qui�n soy yo. Me gustar�a apartar 45 mil para el funeral”.
“Con un funeral as� de grande de seguro que hasta en las noticias la van a dar a conocer. Pero, d�game, que piensa hacer con los otros US$ 5,000?”
“Pues como nunca he sido casada y nunca me he acostado con un hombre. Yo quiero usar el resto del dinero para hacer arreglos con un hombre para que se acueste conmigo. �Usted cree que me pueda conseguir a alguien?”
Esa noche, cuando el abogado le estuvo contando a su esposa la petici�n tan rara que hab�a hecho su nueva clienta, la esposa le insinu� lo mucho que podr�an hacer con los US$ 5,000 extras. Despu�s de convencerlo, acuerdan que �l iba a ganarse ese dinero, no sin antes advertirle:
“Te voy a llevar a la casa de la solterona ma�ana tempranito, y te voy a esperar a que termines”.
La ma�ana siguiente, la mujer lo llev� a la casa de la solterona y lo esper�. Pasaron tres horas y como el esposo no sal�a, la mujer, desesperada, comenz� a tocar la bocina del carro. El esposo se asoma por la ventana y le grita:
“Ven� a recogerme ma�ana; ya la convenc� de que la alcald�a la entierre en una fosa com�n”.
En plena clase, a la
En plena clase, a la maestra se le cae el gis al momento de escribir en el pizarr�n. Al momento de agacharse a recogerlo, todos los alumnos miran y se r�en. Amoscada, la profesora se incorpora y reprocha:
“�Hasta d�nde viste, Juanito?”
“Hasta el tobillo, maestra”.
“Dos d�as de suspensi�n”, informa con acritud. “Y t�, Mario, �hasta d�nde viste?”
“Hasta la rodilla, se�orita”.
“Dos semanas de suspensi�n”, declara con enfado. “�Y Pepito?”
“�Ay, maestra, yo vi hasta el a�o que viene!”