Q. What is the definition of a woman?
A. A life support system for a pussy.
Author: admin
Fifteen?
A man is strolling past an insane asylum when he hears a loud chanting.
“Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!” goes the noise from within the mental hospital�s wards.
The man�s curiosity gets the better of him and he searches for a hole in the security fence.
He finds a small crack, leans forward and peers in.
Immediately, someone jabs him in the eye.
As he reels back in agony, the chanting continues: “Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Nerdz
This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door saying ”Nerds Not Allowed — Enter At Your Own Risk!” He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him. ”You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?” ”I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I’m hauling.” ”Okay, truck drivers are not nerds,” he says and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver is totally shocked. ”Why did you do that?” ”Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don’t even need a license.” The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers.They are all engineers, accountants, and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can’t let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. ”What’s wrong? I thought nerds were in season,” says the truck driver. ”Well, sure,” says the patrolman. ”But you can’t bait ’em.”
Cocoa Puffs
What do you call a swimming pool full of black people? Cocoa Puffs.
MacGregor had a toothache and went to Dr….
MacGregor had a toothache and went to Dr. Friedman.
“What do you charge for extracting a tooth?” asked the Scotsman.
“Fifty dollars.” replied the dentist.
“Fifty dollars for only twenty seconds’ work?” exclaimed MacGregor.
“Well,” replied the dentist, “if you want, I could extract it very slowly.”
Ode to Spell Checkers
I have a spelling checker
I disk covered four my PC.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot see.
Eye ran this poem threw it.
Your sure real glad two no.
Its very polished in its weigh,
My checker tolled me sew.
A checker is a blessing.
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when aye rime.
Each frays comes posed up on my screen
Eye trussed too bee a joule.
The checker pours o’er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.
Bee fore wee rote with checkers
Hour spelling was inn deck line,
Butt now when wee dew have a laps,
Wee are not maid too wine.
And now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
There are know faults in awl this peace,
Of nun eye am a wear.
To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud,
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaws are knot aloud.
That’s why eye brake in two averse
Cuz Eye dew want too please.
Sow glad eye yam that aye did bye
This soft wear four pea seas.
Gas station
a man goes to a gas station and says weres your petral tanks the guy replies we dont do tha well chek my engine sorry we dont do that well what kind of garage are you an IRA garage well gona blow up my tyres.
Lightbulb
Q. What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?
A. You can unscrew a lightbulb.
Best Things Ever Said
~Sex is the most fun you can have without smiling.
~Sex is nobody’s business except for the three people involved.
~Your chances of getting hit by lighting go up if you stand under a tree,
shake your fist at the sky, and say, “Storms suck!”
~If homosexuality were normal God would have created Adam and Bruce.
~Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
~France is a country where the money falls apart and you can’t tear the
toilet paper.
~Defeat is worse than death because you have to live with defeat.
~Groundhog Day has been observed only once in Los Angeles because when the
groundhog came out of its hole, it was killed by a mud slide.
~I hate people who keep dogs. They are the cowards that are afraid to bite
people themselves.
~Early to rise and early to bed makes a man healthy, wealthy and dead.
Pride
There were three men on an airplane. It was an African man, Mexican man, and a
Filipino man.
The African man began making conversation by telling the other two men that
his country had a lot of pride. The Mexican man said his country had a lot of
pride things too.
And then the Filipino man said his country had a lot of pride things too:
fried chicken, fried shrimp, fried squid, and fried fish!!
Flintman
There was a man from flint
Who had such a big dick it was bent
To save alot of trouble
He stuck it in double
Instead of coming he went
My Dad’s a Lawyer
Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.
“My name is Billy. What’s yours?” asked the first boy.
“Tommy,” replied the second.
“My Daddy’s an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?” asked Billy.
Tommy replied, “My Daddy’s a lawyer.”
“Honest?” asked Billy.
“No, just the regular kind”, replied Tommy.