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Horsie ride

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Little Johnny is passing his parents’ bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water.

Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in ‘the act’.

Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims “Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?”

Daddy, relieved that Johnny’s not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees.

Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town.

Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping.

Johnny cries out “Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

Blonde painter

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A blonde decides to show her husband that despite what everyone says, blondes really are smart.

While her husband is at work, she decides that she is going to paint the living room in their house. So the next day as soon as he leaves, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home after work and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a parka and a mink. He asks her what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the room.

He says that he was impressed at the good job she had done, but what’s with her wearing the two coats? She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said, “FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS!”

Sex & Weight

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Sex is the best way to lose weight. Look how many calories you can burn:

TAKING OFF THE CLOTHES

With her agreement…………………………12 cal

Without her agreement……………………..187 cal

TAKING OFF THE BRA

With both hands…………………………….8 cal

With one hand……………………………..12 cal

With one hand being slapped…………..37 cal

With the mouth…………………………….85 cal

PUTTING ON THE CONDOM

With erection………………………………..6 cal

Without erection…………………………315 cal

PRELIMINARIES

Trying to find the clitoris………………….8 cal

Trying to find G spot……………………..92 cal

Without caring at all……………………….0 cal

WHEN DOING IT

Holding her up…………………………….12 cal

Just on the floor……………………………8 cal

POSITIONS

daddy-mummy……………………………12 cal

69 laying…………………………………….8 cal

69 standing up…………………………..112 cal

Trolley……………………………………..216 cal

Italian chandelier………………………..912 cal

HAVING AN ORGASM

Real…………………………………….112 cal

Fake…………………………………….315 cal

POST ORGASM

Staying in bed………………………………..18 cal

Jumping off the bed………………………….36 cal

Explaining why she jumped off the bed…816 cal

GETTING THE SECOND ERECTION

Between 16 and 19 years of age……..12 cal

from 20 to 29……………………………..36 cal

from 30 to 39…………………………….108 cal

from 40 to 49…………………………….324 cal

from 50 to 59…………………………….972 cal

over 60…………………………………..2916 cal

PUTTING ON THE CLOTHES

Quietly……………………………………….32 cal

Being in a hurry…………………………….98 cal

With her husband opening the door…1218 cal

Reindeer fact

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Did you know…

While both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, according to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid December.

Female reindeer retain their antlers until after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa’s reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen had to be a female.

We should’ve known. Only women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing

Foreigners learn about Americans from Baywatch

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1. American men and women spend 15 percent of their days running in slow motion along the beach.

2. Americans almost grown an average of two times each hour.

3. Despite the habit of breathing water, CPR always works and no one actually dies, except from cancer.

4. People in the U.S. look thoughtfully at the ocean for an average of 15 seconds after being told anything of any importance.

5. Americans never worry about getting enough to eat, but fat people are unreliable and sometimes evil.

6. Most American women have abnormally large breasts that are worshipped via close-ups for an average of two minutes and thirteen seconds per hour.

7. When swimming in California, you are more likely to be attacked by jewel thieves or taken hostage by terrorists than you are to drown.

8. Most activity that takes place off the beach occurs in montages and lasts no longer than two minutes.

9. Although Americans, especially lifeguards, complain that they are poor, they all have expensive sports cars and luxurious homes.

10. Motorboats, unlike cars, will not talk back to David Hasselhoff.

Judgment

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The prostitute’s lawyer addressed the court first, “Your Honor, my client,
this lady here, is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot surrounded by
a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the
defendant for a specific length of time for the sum of $500.00. The defendant
obtained exclusive possession of the property, using it extensively for the
purpose for which it was rented. However, upon evacuating the premises, he paid
only one-half of the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive since it is
restricted and exclusive property and we ask that judgment be granted for
plaintiff and against defendant in the amount of $250.00.
The defendant’s lawyer, thrown back by what he had just heard, pondered
the opening remarks for a moment and stood to present his off-the-cuff version
of the case, “Your Honor, my client agrees that the young lady has a fine piece
of property, and that he rented such property for a period of time, and that he
even derived a degree of pleasure from the transaction. However, my client found
a well on the property upon which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and
erected a pump. All equipment belonging to my client and all labor being
performed by him. We allege that these improvements to the property were
sufficient to affect an offset of the unpaid portion of rent and further allege
that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the fair market rental value
of such property. We, therefore, ask that judgment not be granted for plaintiff
and that the defendant be awarded his attorney’s fees and costs incurred in the
defense of this frivolous action.”
The prostitute’s lawyer replied, “If it pleases the court your Honor, my
client agrees that the defendant did find a well on the property, and that he
made the improvements to the property as alleged. However, had the defendant not
known the well existed; he would have never rented the property. Furthermore,
upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the
shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged his
equipment through the well-manicured shrubbery, but also left the well with a
hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making it easily accessible
to small children, thereby creating a possible danger to the health and general
welfare of the public. We, therefore, ask that judgment be granted as requested
in the complaint.
Judgment for the plaintiff in the amount of $250.00!

What does your dad do?

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Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day. ‘My name is Billy. What’s yours?’ asked the first boy. ‘Tommy,’ replied the second. ‘My Daddy’s an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?’ asked Billy. Tommy replied, ‘My Daddy’s a lawyer.’ ‘Honest?’ asked Billy. ‘No, just the regular kind’, replied Tommy.

Adam and Eve

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The Lord decided it was time to make a companion for Adam. He summoned St. Peter and told him of His decision. He told St. Peter that he wanted to make a being who was similar to man, yet was different, and could offer him comfort, companionship and pleasure. The Lord said He would call this being woman. So St. Peter went about creating this being, which was similar to man yet was different in ways that would be appealing and could provide physical pleasure to man. When St. Peter had finished creating this being who could now be called woman he summoned The Lord. ‘Ah, St. Peter, once again you have done an excellent job’, said The Lord’Thank You, O Great One, I live but to serve.’ replied St. Peter. ‘I am now ready to provide the brain, nerve endings and senses to this…. … woman. I require your assistance on this matter Lord.’ ‘You shall make her brain, slightly smaller, yet more intuitive, more feeling, more compassionate, and more adaptable than man’s,’ said God.’The nerve endings, said St. Peter. ‘How many will I put in her hands?”How many did we put in Adam?’, asked The Lord. ‘Two hundred, O Mighty One’, replied St. Peter.’Then we shall do the same for this woman,’ said The Lord. ‘And how many nerve endings shall we put in her feet?”How many did we put in Adam?’, asked The Lord. ‘Seventy five, O Mighty One’, replied St. Peter.’Ah yes, these beings are constantly on their feet so they benefit from having less nerve endings there, do the same for woman’, said He.’How many nerve endings should we put in woman’s genitals’, inquired St. Peter. ‘How many did we put in Adam?’, asked The Lord.’Four hundred and twenty, O Mighty One’, replied St. Peter.’Of course, we did want Adam to have a means of receiving extra pleasure in his life, didn’t we? Do the same for woman’, said The Lord. ‘Oh Yes, Great Lord’, said St. Peter.’No, wait.’ said The Lord. ‘Let’s give her ten thousand, I want her to scream my name EVERY Time!’