Author: admin

T-shirts for women

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T-Shirt Sayings for Women Who Take No Crap

I’m busy. You’re ugly. Have a nice day.

Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.

Remember my name – you’ll be screaming it later.

Of course I don’t look busy … I did it right the first time.

Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?

I’m multi-talented: I can talk and tick you off at the same time.

Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.

Don’t tick me off! I’m running out of places to hide the bodies.

You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP!

Guys have feelings too. But like … who cares?

I don’t believe in miracles. I rely on them.

Next mood swing: six minutes.

I hate everybody and you’re next.

Please don’t make me kill you.

And your point is … ?

I used to be a schizophrenic, but we’re OK now.

All stressed out and no one to choke.

I’m one of those bad things that happen to good people.

How can I miss you if you won’t go away?

Sorry if I looked interested. I’m not.

Murphy’s Technology Laws

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Murphy’s Technology Law #1: You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.

Murphy’s Technology Law #2: Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.

Murphy’s Technology Law #3: Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.

Murphy’s Technology Law #4: If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.

Murphy’s Technology Law #5: An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he/she knows absolutely everything about nothing.

Murphy’s Technology Law #6: Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe, and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it, and he’ll have to touch to be sure.

Murphy’s Technology Law #7: All great discoveries are made by mistake.

Murphy’s Technology Law #8: Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.

Murphy’s Technology Law #9: All’s well that ends . . . period.

Murphy’s Technology Law #10: A meeting is an event at which minutes are kept and hours are lost.

Murphy’s Technology Law #11: The first myth of management is that it exists.

Murphy’s Technology Law #12: A failure will not appear until a unit has passed final inspection.

Murphy’s Technology Law #13: New systems generate new problems.

Murphy’s Technology Law #14: To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.

Murphy’s Technology Law #15: We don’t know one-millionth of one percent about anything.

Murphy’s Technology Law #16: Any given program, when running, is obsolete.

Murphy’s Technology Law #17: A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make.

Redneck quickies 8

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You might be a redneck if…

You go to the family reunion to pick up women.

Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave a bingo game because of her language.

You can’t tell what color your car is because of the dirt.

You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since “Smokey and the Bandit” was snubbed for best picture.

None of your shirts cover your stomach.

Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.

The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.

You consider “Outdoor Life” deep reading.

You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.

You use the term `over yonder’ more than once a month.

San Pedro llama a un

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San Pedro llama a un �ngel y le dice:

Esta ma�ana tengo que ir a hacer un par de tr�mites a una nube, as� que te dejo cuidando las puertas del Cielo.

El �ngel, aterrado, le dice que no tiene idea de a qui�n tiene que dejar pasar o no, pero San Pedro lo tranquiliza:

“Mira, por hoy vamos a simplificar. Aqu� tienes una Biblia y un fajo de billetes de cien d�lares. Dale a elegir a los que lleguen: si cogen la Biblia les dejas pasar, y si cogen un billete los mandas al Infierno. Y aqu� tienes mi n�mero de m�vil por si hay alg�n problema”.

San Pedro se va, y pasa la ma�ana en sus cosas, hasta que suena el tel�fono. Es el �ngel:

“Mire, San Pedro, hasta ahora todo iba bien, pero acaba de llegar un t�o que cuando le di a elegir me dijo: ‘�Puedo ver un poco?’ Se puso a hojear la Biblia, y cada tanto dec�a ‘�Hum, qu� interesante!’, y cog�a un billete de cien y marcaba la p�gina; y as� hasta quedarse con la Biblia y todos los billetes. �Qu� tengo que hacer?”

“D�jalo pasar, hijo, que �se es del Opus…”

Women Speak

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What Woman Say vs. What Women Really MeanCAN’T WE JUST BE FRIENDS? … really means, “There is no way I’m going to let any part of your body touch any part of mine, again.I JUST NEED SOME SPACE. … really means, “without you in it.”DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?… really means, “We haven’t had a fight in a while.”NO, PIZZA’S FINE…. really means, “you cheap slob!”I JUST DON’T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW. … really means, “I just don’t want YOU as a boyfriend now.I DON’T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO? … really means, “I can’t believe you have nothing planned!”COME HERE. … really means, “My puppy does this, too.”I LIKE YOU, BUT… really means, “I don’t like you.”OF COURSE I LOVE YOU…. really means, “just not in that way.”YOU NEVER LISTEN. … really means, “You never listen.WE’RE MOVING TOO QUICKLY. … really means, “I’m not going to stay over until I find out if this guy at the gym has a girlfriend.I’LL BE READY IN A MINUTE…. really means, “I’m ready, but I’m going to make you wait because I know you will.”OH, NO, I’LL PAY FOR MYSELF. … really means, “I’m just being nice; there’s no way I’m going Dutch.”I’M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS. …. really means, “We’re gonna get sloppy and make fun of you and your friends.

The Top 16 Events in the 2004 Political Olympics

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16> Greco-Roman Waffling15> Approval-Ratings Diving14> Military Record Gymnastics13> Poll Faulting12> Swift Boat Jousting11> Synchronized Spinning10> Dodgeball (with Chris Matthews) 9> 4 x 527 Candidate-to-Hatchetman Relay 8> TV Ad Cheap-Shot Put 7> Heavyweight Intern Clean-and-Jerk 6> Two-Man Skull Bashing 5> High-Speed Backpedaling 4> Florida Spazathon 3> Iraquetball 2> 50-State Prevaricating Marathon 1> Undecided Peoplechase [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]

Six Chicken McNuggets

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Recently I went to McDonald’s, I saw on there menu that you
could have an order of 6, 9, or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked
for half a dozen nuggets. “We don’t have half a dozen nuggets,”
said the teenager at the counter. “You don’t?” I replied. “We
only sell six, nine, or twelve,” was the reply. “So I can’t
order half a dozen nuggets, but I can order six?” “That’s
right.” So I shook my head and ordered six Chicken McNuggets.

Go Now!

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The Pastor approaches his pulpit one Sunday and said, “Before we get started
today I want you to know that there are rumors running rampant-I’ve heard that
there are many of you out there been a Hen�s and a She�s out of wedlock-if you
been then get up and get out of my church right now!”
Some couples got up and left.
Then he said, “Some of you been a Hen�s and Hen�s-I want you to get up and get
out of my church right now!”
Some guys got up and left.
He says, “Some of you ladies been a she�s and she�s-leave my church right
now!” Some women left.
Old Brother Brown in the back got up and was leaving.
Pastor asked, “Where you going’ Brother Brown?”
Brother Brown replied, “I know sooner or later you’ll be getting’ to men�s and
a men�s and I’m just getting�s head start……”

Dictionary

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a Koala bear was bored and had nothing to do, so he decided to pick up a hooker, after he was done with her, he told her U can leave now, the hooker picked up a dictionary and said the definition of hooker “gets paid for sex”. the Koala bear picked up a dictionary and said the definition of Koala bear “eats bush and leaves”

Letter to Mom

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A mother enters her daughter’s bedroom and sees a letter over the bed. With the worst premonition, she reads it with trembling hands:

Dear Mom,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m telling you thatI have eloped with my new boyfriend.

I’ll admit I guess I was attracted to him for all the wrong reasons, with all his piercing, tattoos, and his big motorcycle.

I know what we have together is true love, real passion and he is so nice to me.

But not only that Mom, I’m pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods.

He wants to have many more children with me and that’s one of my dreams.

I’ve learned that marijuana doesn’t hurt anyone and we’ll be growing it for us and his friends, who are providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasies we may want.

In the meantime, we’ll pray for the scientists to find the AIDS cure, for Ahmed to get better, he deserves it.

Don’t worry Mom, I’m 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Just please try to be happy for me.

Some day we’ll visit so you can get to know your grandchildren, I promise.

Your daughter, Judith

PS: Mom, none of the above is true. I’m at the neighbor’s house. I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than the report card that’s in my desk drawer…
I love you!

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing

Funny Conversations

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BOY : Since we met, I can’t eat or drink…
GIRL : Why not ??
BOY : I’m broke.

BOY : May I hold your hand??
GIRL : No thanks, it isn’t heavy.

GIRL : Who was that girl I saw you kissing last night??
BOY : What time was it??

GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me…

GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what’s your phone number??

GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever..
BOY : Don’t you ever want to improve??

BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??

SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY : I did once. He’d forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.

Man : You remind me of the sea.
Woman : Because I’m wild, romantic and exciting?
Man : NO, because you make me sick.

Wife : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out
of the other.
Husband : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.

Mary : John says I’m pretty. Andy says I’m ugly. What do u think, Peter?
Peter : A bit of both. I think you’re pretty ugly.

Jimmy : Mom, can I have two piece of cake?
Mom : Certainly. Take this piece and cut it in two.

Sam : I hate to see a girl standing in a bus when I comfortable seated.
Lily : So what do you do?
Sam : I close my eyes.

Teacher : Have you given the goldfish fresh water?
Pupil : No, Sir. They haven’t finished the water I gave them last week.

Mom : Why are you wiping the floor with that cake?
Son : Well, it’s a sponge cake, isn’t it?

It was Christmas and the judge was in a benevolent mood as he questioned the prisoner. “What are you charged with?” he asked.
“Doing my Christmas shopping early,” replied the defendant.
“That’s no offense,” replied the judge. “How early were you doing this shopping?”
“Before the store opened,” countered the prisoner.