Author: admin

The Ten Commandments of Email

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  • Thou shalt include a clear and specific subject line.
  • Thou shalt edit any quoted text down to the minimum thou needest.
  • Thou shalt read thine own message thrice before thou sendest it.
  • Thou shalt ponder how thy recipient might react to thy message.
  • Thou shalt check thy spelling and thy grammar.
  • Thou shalt not curse, flame, spam or USE ALL CAPS.
  • Thou shalt not forward any chain letter
  • Thou shalt not use e-mail for any illegal or unethical purpose.
  • Thou shald not pely on the privacy of e-mail, eqpecially from work.
  • When in doubt, save thy message overnight and reread it in the light of the dawn.
  • That which thou findest hateful to receive, sendest thou not unto others.

Simple questions

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A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks was having trouble with one of her students.

The teacher asked, “Harry what is your problem?” Harry answered, “I’m too
smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third -grade and I’m smarter than
she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!”

Ms Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal’s office. While Harry
waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the
situation was.

The principal told Ms Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed to
answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.

She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed

to take the test.

Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”

Harry: “9”.

Principal: “What is 6 x 6?”

Harry: “36”.

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should
know.

The principal looks at Ms Brooks and tells her, “I think Harry can go to the
third-grade.”

Ms Brooks says to the principal, “Let me ask him some questions?” The
principal and Harry both agree.

Ms Brooks asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?

“Harry, after a moment “Legs.”

Ms Brooks: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?”

Harry: “Pockets.”

Ms Brooks: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?”

Harry: “Pants”

Ms Brooks: What’s a start with a C and ends with a T is hairy, oval, and
delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?

Harry: Coconut

Ms Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?

The principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer,

Harry was taking charge.

Harry: Bubblegum

Ms Brooks: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog
do on three legs?

The principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.

Harry: Shake hands

Ms Brooks: Now I will ask some “Who am I” sort of questions, okay?

Harry: Yep.

Ms Brooks: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get
wet before you do.

Harry: Tent

Ms Brooks: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you’re bored. The best
man always has me first.

The Principal was looking restless and a bit tense.

Harry: Wedding Ring

Ms Brooks: I come in many sizes. When I’m not well, I drip. When you blow
me, you feel good.

Harry: Nose

Ms Brooks: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.

Harry: Arrow

Ms Brooks: What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means a lot of

heat and excitement?

Harry: Fire truck

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, “Put Harry in
the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself.”

Three Dogs at the Vet

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Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the veterinarian’s. One of
the dogs was hanging its head and sighing. The second dog turned to him
and asked “What are you in here for, buddy?” The dog looked depressed,
“I’m in big trouble”, he said, “My owner has a really nice sports car with
leather seats. I just love to go for rides in it. Well, the other day, he
took me for a ride and I was so excited, I pee’d on the nice leather seat.
Now he’s having me put to sleep.”

“I know how you feel”, said the second dog. “My owners have a beautiful,
expensive oriental rug. The other day they were late getting home from
work and I just couldn’t help myself…I shit all over their nice carpet
and ruined it. They’re having me put to sleep, too.”

Both dogs turned to the third dog in the waiting room. “So what are you
here for?” they asked. “Well,” said the third dog, “my owner likes to do
her housework in the nude. The other day, she was vacuuming and she knelt
down to vacuum under the sofa, and I just couldn’t help myself. I hopped
on her back and had the ride of my life!”

The other dogs nodded in sympathy, “So she’s having you put to sleep, too,
huh?” “No,” said the dog, “I’m having my nails clipped.”

Things You Don’t Want To Hear During Surgery

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You know how during surgery they give you anesthetic but you’re
not really unconsious, so you still hear what’s going on. Here
are some of those things you don’t want to hear.

“Uhh… I forgot which part came next.”

“Ok guys this is my last operation of the day. Then I got a date
with this hot chick!”

“I wish I had brought my glasses today.”

“Can someone turn off that pumping red thing? It’s irritating
me.”

(During a brain operation) “LOOK LOOK! HAHAHA! I can make his
leg twitch!”

“I have a sudden urge to act like Zorro.”

“What was I supposed to amputate again?”

“This is my first operation guys, don’t help me out!”

“Whaddya mean he wasn’t scheduled for a sex transplant?”

“I wish that damn repairman would fix the lights already!”

“I bet I could do two operations at once.”

“Oops, dropped my contact.”

“Hmm…I don’t think it was a good idea to eat while doing
this…”

“What no inusrance? Ahh well he can live like this.”