Hold your tounge and say” Pass the spoons.”
Hold your tounge and say” Sally sells seashells by the seashore.”
Author: admin
Y2K Potential POSITIVE side effect
Re: Vacation Pay Date: January 5, 2000Dear Valued Employee:Our records indicate that you have not used any vacation time over the past 102 year(s). As I’m sure you are aware, employees are granted 3 weeks of paid leave per year or pay in lieu of time off. One additional week is granted for every 5 years of service. Please either take 9,430 days off work or notify our office and your next pay cheque will reflect payment of $8,277,432.22 which will include all pay and interest for the past 1,224 months. Sincerely,Automated Payroll Processing
Un muchacho un poco lento,
Un muchacho un poco lento, encuentra la mujer de su vida, se enamora y decide contraer matrimonio con la susodicha.
El padre del muchacho al saber la decision de su hijo, siente un poco de l�stima por el, ya que con su problema iba a echar todo a perder la noche de bodas. pensando en como ayudarlo, decide hospedarse en la habitaci�n siguiente de la que se hospedar�a su hijo en aquella noche tan especial para el muchacho, y as� poder gritarle desde el otro lado qu� hacer en caso de alg�n problema.
Bueno, llega la noche tan esperada y todo se hace como ten�an planeado. Pero el joven que no era lento para otras cosas se las arregl� solo perfectamente.
Despu�s del acto al joven le dan ganas de ir al ba�o a orinar. De regreso no se percat� de que hab�an dejado una vacinica llena de mierda al lado de la cama y como todo estaba tan oscuro, meti� hasta las rodillas en el caquero aquel, con gran enojo el joven grita �MALDITA SEA ME EMBARRE DE MIERDA!
El padre, que estaba esperando con ansias poder ayudar a su hijo, le grita desde la otra habitaci�n:
“�DALE VUELTA MI HIJO, DALE VUELTA!”
Key Chain Quotes
– I need more money, power, and less SHIT from you people.
– We’ll get along fine as soon as you realize I’m God.
– Discourage inbreeding; ban country music.
– Life is short. Don’t be a dick.
– Yoo hoo!! Here I am, at the bottom of your purse!
– Starlight Starbright where the hell is Mr. Right
– To some its a six-pack, to me it’s a support Group
– I majored in liberal arts, would you like fries w/that.
– I majored in philosophy, would you like fries w/that.
– I want my man to have a VCR: Very Cute Rear
– I have PMS and a gun. Did you have a problem with that!?!
– I’m 17. Give me your credit cards, give me your keys and get
out of my way.
– I haven’t found Mr Right but I have found Mr Cheap, Mr Sleazy
and Mr Wrong
– You’re just jealous cause the voices talk to me.
– It’s Miss Bitch to you.
– How do you keep an idiot amused? Turn over. . . (on both sides
of keychain)
– I suffer from PMS… Putting up with Men’s Shit
– If you’re rich, I’m single.
– Men suffer from PMS too… Pretending to be Macho Studs
– If you shower in your clothes, it shows you’re crazy. If you
shower nude, it show’s your nuts!!!
– I’m immature, unorganized, irresponsible, lazy, and LOUD…
but I’m FUN.
– If you don’t like my driving, then get off the sidewalk!
– If it has tires or testicles, it’s gonna piss you off. – or –
If it has tires or tits, it’s gonna piss you off.
– Behind every great man is a great woman, and behind every
great woman is some guy staring at her ass!
– Bury me upside down so the world can kiss my ass
– Birthdays only come once a year… aren’t you glad you’re not
a birthday?
– To some it’s half empty, To some it’s half full. To me it’s
time for a beer run!
– (Written in really tiny writing) Nosy little fucker, aren’t
you?
– (This is a visual gag. It’s a condom inside plastic with the
caption) “In case of emergency, break glass.” (What’s really
funny is in tiny writing underneath) “Not recommended for use”
– I am so broke, I can’t even pay attention.
– I am not a BITCH… I am *the* BITCH.
– I was put on this planet to make your life miserable.
– I’m in touch with my inner bitch.
– I am trying to graduate college with a 4.0 (blood alcohol
level).
– I do what the voices in my head tell me. Looking for Mr. Right
*crossed out* Mr. Wonderful *crossed out* Mr. Coffee!
– Heartbreaker, looking for next victim.
– In God we trust. All others we monitor.
– Not all women are annoying… some are dead.
– The nuns made me dress this way.
– You! Out of the gene pool!
– You must be this tall to ride this ride.
– Moody Bitch; seeking a caring, and understanding guy to dump
on.
B.I.T.C.H. = Beautiful Individual That Can Handle anything!
Bill Clinton and the Pope
Bill Clinton and the Pope both died on the
same day.
Due to a minor clerical error, the Pope went to Hell, while
Clinton went to Heaven. When the Pope arrived in Hell, everyone realized
the mistake. Due to an issue with the union, they couldn’t
swap the two until the next day, and the Pope had to spend the night in
Hell, while Clinton spent the night in Heaven.
The next day the paperwork got straighted out. On his way up to
Heaven, the Pope ran into Clinton. Clinton asked the Pope “How was your
night in Hell?”
“Very educational.” responded the Pope. “I’ve learned a lot from the
experience, but now I’m glad I’m going to heaven. I’ve been waiting all my
life to meet the Virgin Mary.”
“Sorry,” said Clinton, “You should have been there yesterday”
Adam Gets Two Organs
One day God came to Adam to pass on some news. “I’ve got some good news and some bad news”, God said.
Adam looked at God and said, “Well, give me the good news first.
“Smiling, God explained, “I’ve got two new organs for you.
One is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and have intelligent conversations with Eve.
The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children.
Adam, very excited, exclaimed, “These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?
“God looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, “The bad news is that when I created you, I only gave you enough blood to operate these organs one at a time.”
End Of The World
END OF THE WORLD NOTIFICATION:
When the end of the world arrives, how will the media report it?
————-
USA Today:
WE’RE DEAD
The Wall Street Journal:
DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS
National Enquirer:
O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN
Playboy:
GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE
Microsoft Systems Journal:
APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE
Victoria’s Secret Catalog:
OUR FINAL SALE
Sports Illustrated:
GAME OVER
Wired:
THE LAST NEW THING
Rolling Stone:
THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR
Readers Digest:
‘BYE
Discover Magazine:
HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW
THE COSMOS?
TV Guide:
DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR!
Lady’s Home Journal:
LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGEMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW “ARMAGEDDON” DIET!
America Online:
SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.
Inc. magazine:
TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE
Microsoft’s Web Site:
IF YOU DIDN’T EXPERIENCE THE RAPTURE, DOWNLOAD SOFTWARE PATCH RAPT777.EXE.
Sun:
ARMAGEDDON TOLERANT SOFTWARE NOW AVAILABLE!
Declan the Crab
Declan the humble crab and Kate the Lobster Princess were madly, deeply and passionately in Love. For months they enjoyed an idyllic relationship until one day Kate scuttled over to Declan in tears.
“We can’t see each other anymore….” she sobbed.
“Why?” gasped Declan.
“Daddy says crabs are too common,” she wailed. “He claims you, a mere crab, and a poor one at that, are the lowest class of crustacean… and that no daughter of his will marry someone who can only walk sideways.”
Declan was shattered, and scuttled sidewards away into the darkness and to drink himself into a filthy state of aquatic oblivion. That night, the great Lobster Ball was taking place. Lobsters came from far and wide, dancing and merry making, but the lobster Princess refused to join in, choosing instead to sit by her father’s side, inconsolable.
Suddenly the doors burst open, and Declan the crab strode in. The Lobsters all stopped their dancing, the Princess gasped and the King Lobster rose from his throne. Slowly, painstakingly, Declan the crab made his way across the floor…and all could see that he was walking not sideways, but FORWARDS, one claw after another!
Step by step he made his approach towards the throne, until he finally looked King Lobster in the eye. There was a deadly hush. Finally, the crab spoke…………..
“Fuck, I’m pissed.”
Dick Face
One day a kid was walking down the street and was getting all of these funny looks.He waent to his girlfriends house and her mom ansered the door.She screamed and said that he wasn’t aloud to see her any more.When he went home more people were starring and laughing.As he walked to his room his mother said that he had to go to the doctor. He didn’t know what she meant. When they got there the nurse got them in right away. As they were waiting for the doctor he glanced in the mirror.”Oh shit my nose looks like my dick but bigger!” The Doctor came in and said that his body was making up for not being big in the pants.
Get cold
Question: What a husband should do if he sees his wife with a stranger and
they both are naked?
Answer: A good husband should cover his wife at once, not to let her get
cold.
Post Election Toast
The Election Is Over, The Results Are Known.
The Will Of The People Has Been Clearly Shown.
So Lets All Get Together And Let Bitterness Pass,
I’ll Hug Your Elephant, And You Can Kiss My ASS!!!!!
Scary Girlfriend
My girlfriend is weird.
Just the other day, she asked me, “If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?”
I thought about a moment and answered, “No.”
There was a pause, and then she said, “Okay, forget it then.”