What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!
Author: admin
Equal at work
What do you call a woman who works as hard as a man?
Lazy!
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
Q: How many alt.atheism
Q: How many alt.atheism readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?A: Two. One to screw the bulb, one to prove that it exists anyway.
Hermaphrodite Baby
A woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes
in, and he says, “I have to tell you something about your baby.”
The woman sits up in bed and says, “What’s wrong with my baby,
Doctor? What’s wrong???”
The doctor says, “Well, now, nothing’s wrong, exactly, but your
baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite.”
The woman says, “A hermaphrodite…. What’s that???”
The doctor says, “Well, it means your baby has the…er…
features…of a male and a female.”
The woman turns pale. She says,
“Oh no! You mean it has breasts…AND a brain?”
Q: How many surgeons
Q: How many surgeons does it take to change a light bulb?A: Three. They’d also like to remove the socket as you aren’t using it now.
The Birds and the Bees
A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 4-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event.
The man thought, “Great…he’s 4 and I’m gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun – I’ll just let him ask, and I’ll answer.”
After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, “Well son, do you have any questions?”
“Just one.” gasped the still wide-eyed lad. “How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?”
Q: How many graduate
Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done.
Q: What’s the difference between a JAP and…
Q: What’s the difference between a JAP and a bowl of Jell-o?
A: Jell-o wiggles when you eat it.
A few lil’ insults to remember.
You’re momma so fat, she be sellin’ shade!
You’re momma so ugly, she walked down the street and got arrested for indecent exposure!
You’re momma so old, her s*#t has wrinkles!
You’re momma so stupid, she gave birth to you and asked the doctor if you were hers!
You’re momma so poor, her idea of big spendin’ is buyin’ a gumball!
Human Statue
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. “Hurry!” she said, “Stand in the corner.” She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. “Don’t move until I tell you to,” she whispered. “Just pretend you’re a statue.” “What’s this, honey?” the husband inquired as he entered the room. “Oh, it’s just a statue,” she replied nonchalantly. “The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too.” No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.”Here,” he said to the ‘statue’, “eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water.”
Words to improve your vocabulary
Arachnoleptic fit (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider webBeelzebug (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast outCashtration (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite periodCaterpallor (n.) The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you’re eatingDecaflon (n.) The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for youForeploy (n.) Any misrepresentation or outright lie about yourself that leads to sexGrantartica (n.) The cold, isolated place where artist or scientists dwell without fundingIntaxication (n.) Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start withKinstirpation (n.) A painful inability to remove relatives who come to visitLullabuoy (n.) An idea that keeps floating into your head and prevents you from drifting off to sleep
Getting a date as a lawyer
There was a loser who couldn’t get a date. He went to a bar and asked this one guy how to get a date.The guy said, “It’s simple. I just say, I’m a lawyer.”So, the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out. After she said no, he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning. She said, “Oh! You’re a lawyer?”He said, “Why yes I am!” so they went to his place. When they were in bed making love, he started to laugh to himself.When she asked what was so funny, he answered, “Well, I’ve only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I’m already screwing someone!”