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A newlywed bride and groom had been busy at “it” for three days straight.
The groom arose early and was reading the paper, thinking it was time to do something else. When his bride woke up, he said, “Honey would you like to see Oliver Twist?”
His bride replied, “You show me one more trick with that thing and I’m going home to mother!”
Little Johnny came home one day and told his dad he had a tough
day in math. “What happend?” asked his dad. “The teacher got mad
at me.” Little Johnny grumbled.
“What for?” his dad asked. “She asked me what 2 x 3was. I told
her 6.” “Well, that’s right.” Said the dad. “I know.” Said
Little Johnny.
“But then she asked me what 3 x 2 was.” “Christ! It’s the same
fucking thing!” Cried the father. “I know! That’s exactly what I
told her,” huffed Little Johnny.
Directions to your house include “turn off the paved road�.
El ‘marido’ regresa de un largo viaje muy deseoso de tener relaciones con su compa�ero, pero al llegar se encuentra con la sorpresa de que no puede porque su compa�ero andaba en sus ‘d�as’. El tipo enojado le reclama:
“�Otra vez con diarrea?”
Manolo le dice a Venancio:
“�Qu� grande este Henry Ford: amas� fortunas vendiendo autos!”
Su amigo le contesta:
“M�s grande fue su hermano Roque, que se hizo rico vendiendo quesos.
Dos delincuentes juveniles fueron presentados ante el juez, por posesi�n de drogas. El juez les dijo que los dejar�a en libertad si ayudaban a convencer a otros adolescentes de lo malo que eran las drogas. Los dos estuvieron de acuerdo y una semana despu�s regresaron con el juez a explicar lo que hab�an hecho.
El primero dijo: “Bueno, yo s�lo dibuj� dos c�rculos en el pizarr�n, una grande y uno peque�o. Entonces les expliqu� a todos que el c�rculo grande representaba al cerebro antes de usar drogas y el peque�o despu�s de usarlas.”
El juez estaba bastante satisfecho, pero entonces el segundo muchacho dijo:
“Eso no es nada. Mi presentaci�n fue mucho mejor, y con el mismo dibujo. Yo s�lo les dije a todos que el c�rculo peque�o era su culo antes de ir a prisi�n, y el grande es como les quedar�a despu�s de ir a prisi�n.”
These are actual events that took place in our bizarre world. Enjoy! Custom officials in Peru became suspicious of a man and asked him to open a suitcase he had checked on a flight to Prague. Inside, they found 17 monkeys, 10 turtles, five dwarf crocodiles, two snakes and a lizard.
A Pensacola, Florida woman called police and indignantly complained that the two rocks of crack she’d bought were fake and, in fact, tasted just like baking soda. A helpful officer tested the drugs and determined it was real crack-so the woman was arrested for possession. The assistant to the police chief said, ” I guess stranger things have happened, but I personally have never seen them.”
A Buenos Aires police officer was hanging out with his girlfriend when a man on horseback approached and asked for a match. “I’m sorry, but I don’t have one,” said the officer. The guy on horseback must have really wanted a cigarette because he took out a gun and shot the officer in the chest.
A man armed with a beer bottle abducted a cat and demanded a Tickle Me Elmo Doll as ransom. The suspect picked up the cat from the front lawn and banged at the front door ofthe house. A woman opened the door and was shocked to see her cat being held hostage. “I had never seen this man,” the cat owner later said, “and I told him I don’t have his doll.” The man then took the cat to his car and yelled: “If you want your cat back, gimme Elmo.” The abductor and the cat are still missing.
Cops in Allentown, PA discovered that a man who was arrested at the bus station with 280 small bags of heroin in his luggage had chewed the skin off of seven of his fingertips after being jailed. A police sergeant noted that, “this is certainly a strong indication that somebody somewhere is looking for him.”
What do you do if an elephant comes in your window?
Swim!
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Here’s a way to spice up your office. Pick two or three colleagues and agree
to play the Office Game which awards points as follows:
ONE POINT
Run one lap around the office at top speed. Walk sideways to the photocopier.
Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
When they’re not looking, pour most of someone’s fresh cup of coffee into your
mug leaving them with an inch of brew.
Ignore the first five people who say ‘good morning’ to you.
Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say “Just
called to say I can’t talk right now. Bye.”
To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and
grimace.
While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors
open.
THREE-POINTS
Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask “Did you get all that, I
don’t want to have to repeat it.” – Double points if you do this to a manager.
Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle.
Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
FIVE POINTS
At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude
with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch
into it yourself).
Walk into a very busy person’s office and while they watch you with growing
irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as ‘Bob’.
Announce to everyone in a meeting that you “really have to go do number two”.
After every sentence, say ‘mon’ in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in, “the
report’s on your desk, mon”. Keep this up for one hour.
While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.
In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter,
“Shut up, all of you just shut up!”
In a colleague’s diary, write in 10 am: “See how I look in tights”.
Carry your laptop over to your colleague and ask “You wanna trade?”
Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: “Do you hear
that?” “What?” “Never mind, it’s gone now”
Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, “I can’t talk about
it”
Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc.) during a very
important conference call.
Tuck one pant leg into your sock and when queried, answer, “not now” and walk
away.
One day a guy was walking down a street when all of the sudden
he got mugged. The gang that mugged him took everything even
his clothes. So he just sat down in the middle of the sidewalk
in all of his despair. Then the hottest chick he has ever seen
drives up in a ferrari and asks him if he would like a ride? Of
course he says yes so he walks over to the car and opens the
door once she sees that he absoloutely no clothes on she slams
the door shut and statrs to drive off. Once at ten mph she
notices something looks to her side and see’s that guy there
running right next to her so she speeds up to 20 he is still
there so up to 30 still there. This goes on till she gets to 60
mph. When she stops the car she asks “dang how can you run that
fast?” to which he replies “you could run that fast too if yuo
had your dick stuck in the door!”
At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth” even when you don’t know anything.
The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mother at the front door he says, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.”
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.”
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.”
The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms and says, “Then come give your FATHER a big hug!”