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Las tres formas de hacer el amor dentro de casa:
1) Por toda la casa – T�pico de reci�n casados, hacen el sexo en la cocina, en el ba�o, en la sala, etc.
2) En la rec�mara – T�pico de matrimonios que han estado juntos alg�n tiempo, hacen el sexo solamente en la rec�mara.
3) En los pasillos – T�pico de matrimonios que han convivido por mucho tiempo. Normalmente se encuentran en los pasillos y se dicen uno al otro: “�J�dete!”
Q: What does Teddy Kennedy have that Bill Clinton wishes *he* did?
A: A dead girlfriend.
Father Murphy was ministering to a man on his deathbed.
“Renounce Satan!” yelled Father Sullivan.
“No!,” said the dying man.
“I say, renounce the devil and his works!”
“No way!,” the man repeats.
“And why, in the name of all that is holy, not?” asks Father Murphy.
“Because,” said the dying man…
“I want to wait until I see where I’m heading before I start pissing anyone off!”
Memo to: The members of the Kansas Board of Education
From: God
Re: Your decision to eliminate the teaching of evolution as science.
Thank you for your support. Much obliged.
Now, go forth and multiply. Beget many children. And yea, your
children shall beget children. And their children shall beget
children and their children’s children after them. And in time the
genes that have made you such pinheads will be eliminated through
natural selection. Because that is how it works.
Listen, I love all my creatures equally, and gave each his own special
qualities to help him on Earth. The horse I gave great strength. The
antelope I gave great grace and speed. The dung beetle I gave great
stupidity, so he doesn’t realize he is a dung beetle. Man I gave a
brain.
Use it, okay?
I admit I am not perfect. I’ve made errors. (Armpit hair–what was I
thinking?) But do you Kansans seriously believe that I dropped half-a-
billion-year-old trilobite skeletons all over my great green Earth by
mistake? What, I had a few lying around some previous creation in the
Andromeda galaxy, and they fell through a hole in my pocket? You
were supposed to find them. And once you found them, you were supposed
to draw the appropriate, intelligent conclusions.
That’s what I made you for: To think.
The folks who wrote the Bible were smart and good people. Mostly, they
got it right. But there were glitches. Imprecision�s. For one thing,
they said that Adam and Eve begat Cain and Abel, and then Cain begat
Enoch. How was that supposed to have happened? They left out Tiffany
entirely! Well, they also were a little off on certain elements of
timing and sequence. So what? You guys were supposed to figure it all
out for yourselves, anyway. When you stumble over the truth, you are
not supposed to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and proceed on as
though nothing had happened. If you find a dinosaur’s toe, you’re not
supposed to look for reasons to call it a croissant. You’re not big,
drooling idiots. For that, I made dogs. Why do you think there are no
fossilized human toes dating from a hundred million years ago? Think
about it.
It’s okay if you think. In fact, I prefer it. That’s why I like
Charlie Darwin. He was always a thinker. Still is. He and I chat
frequently. I know a lot of people figure that if man evolved from
other organisms, it means I don’t exist. I have to admit this is a
reasonable assumption and a valid line of thought. I am in favor of
thought. I encourage you to pursue this concept with an open mind, and
see where it leads you. That’s all I have to say right now, except
that I’m really cheesed off at laugh tracks on sitcoms, and the NRA,
and people who make simple declarative sentences sound like questions?
Oh, wait. There’s one more thing.
Did you read in the newspapers yesterday how scientists in Australia
dug up some rocks and found fossilized remains of life dating back
further than ever before? Primitive, multicolor animals on Earth
nearly 3 billion years ago, when the planet was nothing but roiling
muck and ice and fire. And inside those cells was . . . DNA.
Incredibly complex strands of chemicals, laced together in a scheme so
sophisticated no one yet understands exactly how it works. I wonder
who could have thought of something like that, back then.
Just something to gnaw on.
Although Cupid got all the girls hot,
a great lover himself he was not.
They would say, “Sorry, sport,
but your arrow’s too short–
What we want is what Hercules’ got.”
—————
Euphemism is all very well,
but if I really am going to hell,
I’d rather it be
for lechery,
not for “loving the ladies too well.”
————-
Juno’s measure of fury was full,
but Zeus had a trick he could pull.
He said, “Surely, my dear,
whatever you hear
from Europa is all cock and bull.”
—————-
Oh a pussy’s a timorous beast,
needing petting and patience at least,
but she’ll alter completely,
if handled quite sweetly,
and sit up and roar when she’s greased.
there was this blonde sientiest that worked for nasa, one day she came to work and everyone she worked with had died their hair blonde just to see if she would notice, she worked her regular day, did her work and started to leave, she had to go out the building and the security guard that just came to work in a shift change had dark brown hair, she started to go through the security gate and she saw the security guard and said you must me new, the guard said no mam i work here 5 days a week, she argued with the guy and said no,this is a blondes only company, every one here is now blonde, they finally realized that we run the world and all went blonde so you need to find a new job. as she left she said blonde power.
An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple, who had been sleeping in the bedroom.
As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, ‘Honey, this guy hasn’t seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it.’
‘Dear,’ the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, ‘I’m so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a really nice arse.’
Monica’s nickname for bill: “Sir Blow-alot”
Two attorneys have planned to meet for lunch, but one of them shows up 30 minutes late.The one who’s been waiting asks his partner: “What kept you?””I ran over a Coke bottle and got a flat tire.””A Coke bottle in the road? Didn’t you see it?””No, the kid had it under his coat.”
How do you agravate a blonde?
Put her in a circle room and tell her to find the corner!
A blind man went to a lumber yard for a job. The boss didn’t want to just tell him no, so he told him that if he could pass a test, he’d hire him. He had one of his employees take him out back to identify some lumber. He brought the man to a pile of pine paneling, the man walked around the pile and sniffed, correctly identifying it as pine paneling.The employee thought, “How did he do that?” Next he took him to a pile of 2×4’s. These he also correctly identified after sniffing around a bit. Now they were all amazed. They decided it was time to trick him. They brought out the receptionist and laid her buck naked on her back. The blind man walked around and sniffed.Obviously puzzled he walked around and sniffed and walked around and sniffed some more.Scratching his head, he told them to flip it over. They did so and the sniffing continued. Suddenly he started laughing and said “You think you’ve got me, don’t you? Well I know what that is. That’s the shit house door off of a tuna boat!
This lady approaches a priest and tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.”
“What do they say?”, the priest asked.
“They only know how to say, ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?’.”
“That’s terrible!”, the priest exclaimed. “I do have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught to pray and read the Bible, then my parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship.”
“Thank you.” said the lady.
So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest’s house. The priest’s two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady put her female talking parrots in with the male talking parrots and the female parrots said, “Hi, we’re prostitutes! Do you want to have some fun?”
One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and screams, “Put your Bible away Frank, our prayers have been answered!”