Knock KnockWho’s there?Peru!Peru who?Peru your point!
Author: admin
Man’s sex life
It seems that when God was making the world, he called man over and bestowed upon him twenty years of normal sex life. Man was horrified. “Only twenty years of normal sex life?” but the Lord was very adamant that was all man could have.Then the Lord called the monkey and gave him twenty years. “But I don’t need twenty years”, he protested, “Ten is plenty for me.” Man spoke up eagerly. “Can I have the other ten?” The monkey graciously agreed.Then the Lord called the lion and gave him twenty years, and the lion, like the monkey, wanted only ten. Again the man spoke up, “Can I have the other ten?” The lion said of course he could.Then came the donkey and he was given twenty years – but like the others, ten was sufficient – and again man pleaded, “Can I have the other ten?”This explains why man has twenty years of normal sex life, plus ten years of monkeying around, ten years of lion about it, and ten years of making an ass of himself.
Real Subtitles from Hong Kong Movies
Real Subtitles from Hong Kong Movies
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1. I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.
2. You with your thick face have hurt my instep.
3. Gun wounds again?
4. Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.
5. A normal person wouldn’t steal pituitaries.
6. Damn, I’ll burn you into a BBQ chicken!
7. Take my advice, or I’ll spank you without pants.
8. Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?
9. Quiet or I’ll blow your throat up.
10. You always use violence. I should’ve ordered glutinous rice chicken.
11. I’ll fire aimlessly if you don’t come out!
12. You daring lousy guy.
13. Beat him out of recognizable shape!
14. I have been scared sh*tless too much lately.
15. I got knife scars more than the number of your leg’s hair!
16. Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.
17. The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?
18. How can you use my intestines as a gift?
19. This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum. I am
sure you will not mind that I remove your manhoods and leave them
out on the dessert flour for your aunts to eat.
20. Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short
rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your gynecologist for a
thorough extermination.
21. Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up
together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate
feets on some ass of the giant lizard person.
Un joven se sienta en
Un joven se sienta en la barra de un bar. El camarero le pregunta:
“�Qu� se va a servir?”
“Quiero seis tequilas”.
“��Seis?! �Est� celebrando algo?”
“S�, la primera vez que hago sexo oral”.
“Bueno, en ese caso deje que le invite el s�ptimo para darle la enhorabuena”.
“No se ofenda, pero si con seis no se me quita este sabor, no me lo quitar� con nada”.
Half to the church, half to college
McKean, a North Dakota rancher, got rich even though he didn’t have an
education. Despite his success, he stayed unsophisticated and prudish.
On his deathbed, he said to Father Dempsey, “I’m leavin’ half my fortune to
the Church and the other half to the state college.”
“It’s the devil’s work!” cried the priest. “That college takes decent boys and
girls and makes them matriculate together. They even have the same curriculum!”
McKean cancelled the bequest to the college.
Psychiatric outing
One night in the small bar, the bartender is lamenting the fact that business is so quiet on Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays.
As he continues talking to his regulars a stranger, dressed in a tweed jacket and wearing sunglasses walks over and says, “I’m sorry, but I couldn’t help overhearing your conversation. I’m a doctor at Psychiatric hospital down the road.
I’m trying to integrate some of the more sane patients into the community. Why don’t I bring some of my patients along, say, next Tuesday. You’ll have some customers and my patients will have a night out.”
Well, the bartender isn’t sure, but the thought of more paying customers on a quiet night appeals to him. So he agrees.
The following Tuesday, the man in the tweed jacket and sunglasses appears with about ten people. He told the bartender, “Give them whatever they want, put it on a tab and I’ll settle up at closing time.”
The bartender has a great time selling loads of drinks and encouraging the patients to eat plenty of peanuts.
The patients have a great time, getting drunk, but they did behave themselves. At closing time the bartender added up the bill and came up to over $250.
The man in the tweed jacket and sunglasses begins to organize the patients, so that they can go back to the hospital.
The bartender approaches the man in the tweed jacket and says, “It comes to $250.”
The man in the tweed jacket and sunglasses smiles and says, “That’s fine. Do you happen to have change for a dustbin lid?”
Mystery Writer
Q: How can you tell if a blonde writes mysteries?
A: She has a checkbook.
Haiku Error Messages
Some winners of the Salon http://www.salon1999.com/ Haiku Error Messages contest:Three things are certain: Death, taxes, and lost data. Guess which has occurred. – – – – – – – – – – – -Printer not ready. Could be a fatal error. Have a pen handy? – – – – – – – – – – – -A file that big? It might be very useful. But now it is gone. – – – – – – – – – – – -Errors have occurred. We won’t tell you where or why. Lazy programmers. – – – – – – – – – – – -Chaos reigns within. Reflect, repent, and reboot. Order shall return. – – – – – – – – – – – -Login incorrect. Only perfect spellers may enter this system. – – – – – – – – – – – -This site has been moved. We’d tell you where, but then we’d have to delete you. – – – – – – – – – – – -wind catches lily scatt’ring petals to the wind: segmentation fault – – – – – – – – – – – -ABORTED effort: Close all that you have. You ask way too much. – – – – – – – – – – – -First snow, then silence. This thousand dollar screen dies so beautifully. – – – – – – – – – – – -With searching comes loss and the presence of absence: ‘My Novel’ not found. – – – – – – – – – – – -The Tao that is seen Is not the true Tao, until You bring fresh toner. – – – – – – – – – – – -The Web site you seek cannot be located but endless others exist – – – – – – – – – – – -Stay the patient course Of little worth is your ire The network is down – – – – – – – – – – – -There is a chasm of carbon and silicon the software can’t bridge – – – – – – – – – – – -Yesterday it worked Today it is not working Windows is like that – – – – – – – – – – – -To have no errors Would be life without meaning No struggle, no joy – – – – – – – – – – – -You step in the stream, but the water has moved on. This page is not here. – – – – – – – – – – – -Out of memory. We wish to hold the whole sky, But we never will. – – – – – – – – – – – -Having been erased, The document you’re seeking Must now be retyped. – – – – – – – – – – – -The ten thousand things How long do any persist? Netscape, too, has gone. – – – – – – – – – – – -Serious error. All shortcuts have disappeared. Screen. Mind. Both are blank
Dumb Blonde GUY!
There were three guys working on the 50th floor of a
building. One was Mexican, one was Irish, and the other was a
blonde. Well one day they were sitting eating lunch, dangling
their feet doing nothing much.
The Mexican guy opens up his lunchbox and he takes out a
taco. He exclaims “My wife always packs me tacos for lunch!
taco’s Taco’s TACO’S!!! I am sick of tacos!!! Can’t she pack me
something different?!?! If she gives me a taco one more time I
am going to jump off this building!!!”
The Irishman looks at him strangely, but doesn’t say
anything. Expecting something yummy for lunch, there in his
lunch box is Creamed Corn and Hash. Overpowered by the
Mexican’s words, he says “Every single day for the past 10 years
my wife has given me this every single day for lunch! I hate
Creamed Corn and Hash!!! I’m with you, Mexican, if I get one
more lunch of Creamed Corn and Hash, I will jump off this
building right with you!”
All the while the blonde is just sitting there eating his
sandwhich. Feeling left out, he says “I get a sandwhich every
single day too! I hate it too!! I am with you both! Tomorrow if
we all get the same lunch, we are jumping off this building!!”
The next day, they are all working patiently, just waiting
to see what they got for lunch. The day seemed to go on
forever, but finally lunch came. The Mexican guy opens up his
lunch. He finds a taco!! He gives a sigh and jumps off the
building.
The Irishman is very scared. He does not want to jump off,
but he has to. So he cautiosly opens up his lunch. And what do
you know? He has creamed corn and hash! He says good-bye to the
blonde man and jumps off screaming.
The blonde, being lonely, opens up his lunch and he finds a
sandwhich. He just shakes his head and jumps.
At the funeral, the wives of all three men are standing
around mourning together. The Mexican’s wife says “If only I
didn’t give him taco’s everyday, he may have still been alive
today”
The Irishman’s wife shakes her head in agreement, saying
“I take full responsibility in my husbands death”
They both look over at the blonde man’s wife who is not
crying and ask her why she is not mourning. She replies “Don’t
blame me, he made his own lunch!”
You’re single
Abe is a new arrival at a retirement community, and is passing the morning sunning himself on a bench near the garden.
Becky, “a blonde”, is out for her morning constitutional, spies Abe, and says “Do you mind?”
“Not at all.” Abe says, so Becky sits down on the opposite end of his bench.
“So, you’re new here.” says Becky.
“Yes” Abe nods.
“So, where are you from?” asks Becky.
“Washington” Abe answers.
“The state or the capitol?” asks Becky.
“The state.” replies Abe.
“So how old are you? asks Becky.
“I’ll be 52 in October.”. Abe replies.
“What did you do in Washington?” asks Becky.
“I was in prison.” Abe says.
“Really!” says Becky, “what did you do?”
“My wife was always asking stupid questions, so I chopped her up and put her down the garbage disposal.” he says.
“Sooo,” purrs Becky, “you’re single?”
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by ���rt�� and dolly04
A Hunting We Will Go
A guy is getting ready to hunt when his wife asks if she can go
“No way. We would be getting up early and you never know what the weather is like. I just don’t think you could handle it.”
“Please”, his wife begs, “you never do anything with me.”
“Fine”, he sats, “I’ll see you in the morning.”
The next morning the guy wakes his wife. “it’s four in the morning.” she complains.
“That’s what time we go”, he says, “now move it.”
The wife gets out of bed and sees snow all over the ground and refuses to go.
“Fine”, says the husband, “for making me pack double the gear and being a bitch you better suck my dick or let me fuck you in the ass.”
The women abruply gets on her knees. A few seconds later she pulls her head away.
“oh, your dick taste like shit.”
“I know”, says the husband, “the dog didn’t want to go either.”
More Monica Jokes!
Q: What’s the difference between Monica Lewinsky and the rest of us?
A: In order for us to get some dick in the White House, we had to go out and vote.
Q: How will history remember Bill Clinton?
A: The President after Bush.
Q: What’s the difference between Bill Clinton and his dog Buddy?
A: One tries to hump the leg of every woman in the White House, the other is a chocolate Lab.
Q: What does Clinton say to interns as they leave his office?
A: “Don’t hit your head on the desk.”
Q: Did you hear about the Bill Clinton sale at clothing stores on President’s day?
A: All pants half off.
Q: What do Monica Lewinsky and the Buffalo Bills have in common?
A: They both blew the big one several times.
Q: What was the first thing Monica saw in government?
A: The Executive Branch.
Q: What do Monica Lewinsky and soda pop machines have in common?
A: They both have slots which say “Insert Bill” here.”