Yours Fun Portal !
Llegan varios ni�os a la casa de su amigo Panchito; tocan a la puerta y sale la mam� del ni�o:
“�Qu� se les ofrece?”
Al un�sono los peque�os responden:
“Se�ora, �podr�a Panchito salir a jugar b�isbol con nosotros?”
Enternecida, la madre les dice:
“Les agradezco mucho lo que hacen por mi hijo, ni�os, pero saben que no tiene ni brazos ni piernas �de qu� les puede servir en el juego?”
Y todos contestan:
“Por eso es que lo queremos de coj�n de tercera”.
Whats the difference between a pig and a fox?.
A 12-pack of beer!
A guy was walking around the office Christmas party belting down drink after drink. But every ten or fifteen minutes, he reached into his shirt pocket, pulled something out, took a look at it, then put it back in his pocket.
Finally, a friend came up to him and said, “George, I’ve been watching you all night, and I have to ask…what’s in your shirt pocket?”
“It’s a picture of my wife.”
“Why do you keep looking at it?”
“Because,” George replied, “When she finally starts looking good, it’s time to go home.”
MALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Wind down your car window
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt
6. Wind up window
7. Drive off.
FEMALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to cash machine
2. Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine
3. Re-start stalled engine
4. Wind down the window
5. Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate card
6. Locate make-up bag and check make-up in rear view mirror
7. Attempt to insert card into machine
8. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from car
9. Insert card
10. Re-insert card the right way up
11. Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page
12. Enter PIN
13. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN
14. Enter amount of cash required
15. Re-check make-up in rear view mirror
16. Retrieve cash and receipt
17. Empty handbag again to locate purse and put cash inside
18. Place receipt in back of cheque book
19. Re-check make-up again
20. Drive forward two metres
21. Reverse back to cash machine
22. Retrieve card
23. Re-empty handbag, locate card holder and place card into the slot provided
24. Re-check make-up
25. Re-start stalled engine and move off
26. Drive for 3 – 4 miles
27. Release hand brake
What is this dangling, this jangling, this cord
that’s hanging and dangling from this motherboard?
It fits in the phone jack, I plugged it, I tried!
I heard not a dialtone, no ringer, no bell,
but speedy quick dialing to Internet Hell.
They asked for my name, oh my! Who then am I?
So I made up a handle called “SuperStudGuy.”
I knew all the women would read it and swarm.
I polished my fingertips; best keyboard form.
I hunted for nudies and pictures of smut,
but found only swimsuits and one lovely butt.
The menus, the options, the choices, Oh my!
‘Till “IRC Client” detected my eye.
I lept to the keyboard like tigers to meat.
Excitement, delightment, enticement, it’s NEAT!
Alone in the chat room, oh dang it, oh darn!
Where are the people to spin me a yarn?
Then in through the exit, that digital door
came person, and people and threeple, and more!
Words went a’flying by, line after line.
The best I could read it was once every nine.
I piped in “Hello there” awaiting reply,
but no one acknowledged me, SuperStudGuy.
Ranting and raving and calling them names,
accused them of cliquery frickery games!
Then I was befriended by “Horny&Free,”
who taught me the lingo of Internet-ese.
In private, so private, I found why I’m here
while Horny&Free told me why I’m so dear.
The words drew us closer and closer, oh please!
And I could still type with ONE hand on the keys!
Then while I was wiping my monitor stand
Horny&Free told me she was a man.
So while I was sopping up chunks from the desk,
Incessant loud beeping aroused my unrest.
The insults were flying, and crashing, and burned!
And I was the brunt of the grunting, I learned!
They thrashed me and trashed me and flamed my good name
with nither a quiver of reason, for shame!
With digital torches ablazing they crushed,
SuperStudGuy stood the challenge and cussed.
A kind soul informed me a hotkey so great.
I thanked him, preparing to lay them to waste.
Configured my fingers on “Alt” and “F4.”
I’ll show you, you geekos! You snotbellied snits!
I’ll press this and send all your keyboards to fits!
You cross me? How dare you? It’s such a bad scene!
I pressed it and stared at the pretty blank screen.
I yanked on the phone cord and yelped a bad word.
These people! This keyboard! It’s silly absurd!
I dialed once again just to show they can’t win
but ran into “SexyOne” on my way in.
Maybe this Internet thing could be grand?
But this time, I’ll type using just my RIGHT hand.
why cant mexicans live on the moon?
there is no grass to cut
One night Jerry brought home a dozen red roses to his wife. “How lovely, Dear,” she said. “What’s the occasion?”
“I want to make love to you,” he said simply.
“Not tonight, Dear. I have a headache,” answered his wife.
The next night Jerry came home with a big box of chocolates and explained that he wanted to make love with her. “I’m awfully tired, Honey,” said his wife. “Not tonight.”
Every night for a week Jerry brought home something, but each time his wife’s answer was no. Finally he came home with six black kittens with little red bows around their necks and handed them to his wife.
“How adorable, Jerry!” she exclaimed. “But what are they for?”
The husband replied, “These are six little pallbearers for your dead pussy.”
If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
A drunk guy is walking down the street. He sees this nun, runs up and knocks her over. He says, “You don’t feel so tough now, do you, Batman!?”
The Pope visits Washington and President Bush takes him for a ride down the Potomac on the presidential yacht. They’re enjoying themselves when a gust of wind blows the Pope’s hat (zucchetto) off and out onto the water. The Secret Service begins to launch a boat but Bush waves them off saying, “Wait. I’ll take care of this.”
Bush steps off the yacht onto the surface of the water, walks out a ways and picks up the hat. Back on board, he hands the hat to the Pope amid stunned silence.
The next morning the Washington Post carries the story complete with photos under the heading: “BUSH CAN’T SWIM”.
A man walks out of a bar totally hammered, only to be greeted by a snobby woman. She takes one look at him.”You, sir, are drunk!” ”And you ma’am, are ugly. But when I wake up, I will be sober!”
There once was a brother and a sister, fraternal twins, who were approaching their high school graduation. It was getting near prom night and neither of them had a date for it. So one day, the girl approaches her brother and says “Hey, you got a date for the prom yet?”
He says “No, why? You got someone lined up for me?” “You might say that. Why don’t you take me to the prom?”
“Take you? You kidding? You’re my sister!” “Well, are you taking somebody else out?”
“You know I don’t have a date, Sis. ” “And neither do I. But we both want to go to the prom, don’t we?” Her brother nods. She continues, “So we should go with each other.”
The brother can’t see anything wrong with her reasoning, so he tells his sister that if neither of them has a date by Wednesday evening he will take her to the prom. Wednesday evening rolls around. Neither of the siblings has a date, so the brother tells his sister that he’ll take her to the prom on Friday.
At the prom, both of them have a good time. The brother is glad that his sister talked him into taking her. Then, while he’s standing at the punch bowl, his sister comes up to him again.
“Hey, brother, let’s dance. “
He looks around to make sure that nobody heard her. “Look, Sis, this is the Senior Prom, okay? I’m not going to dance with my own sister at the prom, okay?”
“Don’t be so shy. Look, Jimmy Elder is dancing with his cousin. So why can’t you dance with your sister?”
“Oh . . . all right. “
So they dance, a slow number. The rest of the prom passes by and after a while it’s over and time to go. Both of them have had a good time.
In the car, with the brother at the wheel, the sister looks over at him and says, “Let’s not go straight home.”
He gives her a curious look and says, “What are we going to do instead?”
“Oh, I don’t know. Just drive around.”
He agrees, and after they have driven around a while, out in the country, she looks over at him again and says “Want to find some place to park?”
“Hell,” he says, “are you crazy? You’re my sister, I’m not going parking with you!”
“Who said anything about ‘going parking’? Let’s just pull over somewhere and talk for a while, okay? It’s been a busy year for both of us– how long has it been since we’ve had a chance to talk to each other?”
So she finally talks her brother into pulling the car over on a secluded back road, and after a few minutes of idle talk, she looks over at him again.
“Hey . . . ” she says.
“What?”
“Why don’t you kiss me?”
“You’ve been suggesting a lot of weird things lately, you know that? I’m not going to kiss you, you’re my sister! “And he reached for the ignition switch to start the car.
She reached out and took his hand. “I know I’m your sister. You’ve mentioned that a lot lately. And you’re my brother. And don’t we love each other? Why shouldn’t we kiss if we feel like it?” She kissed him on the cheek and he kissed her back. After a few minutes of kissing, she whispered in his ear, “Come on. Let’s do it.”
“Do what,” said her brother, but he had a good idea of what his sister had in mind.
“You know what,” his sister replied.
“I can’t do that with you, you’re my. . . ” His voice trailed off.
While he was on top of her, his sister murmured, “You know, you’re a lot lighter than Dad.”
“I know,” said her brother. “Mom told me.”