$1000 instant lotto

Little Johnny and his dad went shopping at the grocery store. Walking down an aisle, Johnny asked his dad if he could have a box of Lucky Charms.

His dad said,” Well, Johnny, can you touch your asshole with your dick?”

Johnny said, “No!!”

Johnny’s dad said, “Well, there’s your answer.”

Later, Johnny asked if he could have Spagettios.

His dad, again, said, “Can you touch your asshole with your dick?”

Johnny said,”No!!”

His dad said, “Well, there’s your answer.”

At the end of the shopping trip, Johnny’s dad felt bad about how he had talked to Johnny, so he bought him an instant lottery ticket.

Johnny scratched the ticket and found that he won $1,000!!!

His dad said,”Hey, Johnny, you gonna share the money with your old man?”

Johnny asked,”Dad, can you touch your asshole with your dick?”

Johnny’s dad said,”As a matter of fact, I can!”

Johnny said,”GOOD, GO FUCK YOURSELF!!”

Cinder-Block

A blonde had 3 children, the oldest walks up to her and asks “momma why is my name floating flower?” and the blonde replies “well when you were a baby a flower floated on your head.” “thanks mom” then the middle child comes up and say whyd you name me flower feather and she replied because when you were born a beautiful feather floated on your head. the kid thanked her and left. then the blonde hears “mwahugugfah”*in mental voice(no fense any1)* then the blonde replies “shut up cinder block”

The Scots, English and Welsh Wishes

There are three guys walking together along the Welsh/English border…a Welshman, a Scot, and an Englishman. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out, ‘I will give you each one wish, that’s three wishes.’ To this, the Scot says ‘I am a sheep herder. My dad’s a sheep herder, his dad was a sheep herder, and my son will be one too. I want my country to be full of lovely sheep farms’… ‘FOOM!’ all the land in Scotland was full of an infinite supply of sheep farms. The Englishman was amazed. He said ‘I want a wall around England to keep those damned Scots and Welsh out’… ‘FOOM!!’ there was a wall around England. The Welshman says ‘Tell me more about this wall.’ The genie says ‘Well, its about 200 feet high, 100 feet thick, it goes all around England, and nothing can get in or out.’ After a moment of consideration, the Welshman says ‘Fill it with water.’

Treating mom

A couple was going out for the evening. They had gotten ready, all dolled up,
cat put out, etc. The taxi arrived, and as the couple walked out the door, the
cat shot back in. They didn’t want the cat shut in the house, so the wife went
out to the taxi while the husband went upstairs to chase the cat out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explained to the
taxi driver, “He’s just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.”

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. “Sorry I took so long,” he
said. “Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a
coat hanger to get her to come out!”

En un cuartel de la

En un cuartel de la milicia, hab�a un soldado raso que era muy buena gente, ayudaba a todo el mundo en sus tareas, ten�a muy buen sentido del humor, era muy colaborador, y adem�s era muy estudioso. Lo cierto es que al hombre todo el mundo lo quer�a.

Un d�a mandan un telegrama al cuartel d�nde dice que la mam� de este soldado hab�a muerto, pero nadie quer�a decirle tan mala noticia.

El capit�n que es qui�n recibe los mensajes manda al comandante y le dice:

“�Comandante! tiene la dura tarea de decirle a Gonz�lez que su mam� ha muerto.”

El comandante sale afligido y le dice a otro y ese otro le dice a otro y as� hasta que se encuentran con un cabo que era m�s malo que el odio, que dice:

“�Dame aca! yo soy quien se lo va decir.”

Dirigi�ndose a la tropa.

“�Quiero a todos los rasos aqu� en fila!”

Y los rasos se colocan.

“�Que den un paso adelante los que tengan a su mam� viva!… �Para d�nde vas t�, Gonz�lez?”

Vaseline survey

A market researcher was called at a house and his knock was answered by a young woman with three small children running around her. He asked her if she minded replying to his questions and when she agreed, he asked her if she knew his company, Cheeseborough-Ponds. When she said no, he mentioned that among their many products was Vaseline and she certainly knew of that product. When asked if she used it, the answered was “Yes, we use it when we have sexual intercourse.” The interviewer was a little surprised. He said, “Everyone uses our product and they always say they use it for the child’s bicycle chain, or the gate hinge or some other purpose; but I know that most people really use it for sexual intercourse, they just don’t like to say so. Since you’ve been so frank, could you tell me how you use it?””We put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out!”

Redneck quickies 4

You might be a redneck if…

Fewer than half of your cars run.

You’ve ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.

The taillight covers of your car are made of tape.

Your car has never had a full tank of gas.

Any of your kids were conceived in a car wash.

Your momma has ever been involved in a cuss fight with the principal.

You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

You’ve ever bathed with flea and tick soap.

Your good deed for the month was hiding your brother for a few days.

Your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four relatives to figure out how to fix it.

Second Opinion

A Doctor and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast. The Doctor, clearly miffed, blurts to his wife, “You aren’t so good in bed either!” and stormed off to work.

By midmorning, he decided he’d better make amends and phoned home.

After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answers the phone. “What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?”

“I was in bed.”

“What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?”

“Getting a second opinion.”

Clinton and Nixon?

Similarities between Nixon and Clinton

Nixon: Watergate
Clinton: Waterbed

Nixon: His biggest fear–the Cold War
Clinton: His biggest fear–a Cold Sore

Nixon: Worried about carpet bombs
Clinton: Worried about carpet burns

Nixon: Couldn’t stop Kissinger
Clinton: Couldn’t stop kissing her

Nixon: His nickname was Tricky Dick
Clinton: Same

Nixon: Ex-President
Clinton: Sex-President